Stop the world I want to think

[tbkkfile]

Looking back at my life, I'd never really been here during it, I'd existed day to day, I wasn't the person I wanted to be or thought that I'd be when I was young. 56 never had a career, drifted from job to job, most of the time spent inside this wall I'd built around myself, never letting people in, never joining in, never enjoying life, too much alcohol numbing each day, the list goes on.

A year ago I told my wife, found a T and thought I was on the right road, but there was something wrong, in a word it was being honest with myself, you see this wall that I had built hid my problems even from myself, I guess it was less painful that way, if I didn't admit to anything then there was no problem, I couldn't do one without the other.

So with the help of my wife and T I've been slowly changing, I'm trying to learn how to live without the protection of my wall, I'm trying to communicate with people we meet when we are out and I've tried to be a better person. Two or three times I've actually managed to break down the wall, I've lived in reality and you know what it's a wonderful feeling being in the here and now but that's only two or three times over a whole year the rest of the time I just can't seem to get there.

If I could stop the world I could find a nice quite corner, relax and let the walls down

 

[Publius]

Cities learn from their foes, not their friends, the lesson of building high walls. Unfortunately for us the same walls that seem to protect us when we're younger and understandably unable to deal with the abuse ourselves (most often because we have no support) become barriers during our adulthood. One problem though: we don't know that! Imagine having had a limp your whole life such that you've made all the necessary adjustments to be able to walk but one day you're told you can and need to learn how to walk without the limp. Excuse me? You're asking me to abandon the only way of walking I've ever known. It's one of the most insidious aspects of CSA that the child, through no fault of his/her own, is not only instilled with the guilt/shame of their abuser but is (usually) forced to adopt maladaptive mental/behavioral habits in order to survive the trauma. And so we carry these habits, often unconsciously, into adulthood. What really saddens me is when those same mental/behavioral habits lead to other serious struggles (addiction, violence, sexual compulsion, etc.) that are certainly "bad" at face value but falsely reinforce the notion within survivors that they are inherently bad themselves (responsible for the guilt/shame of their abuse). Nope. And right there is why we need to be here for each other to remind one another of the truth as you have today tbkkfile. The more we speak the stronger we get and the stronger we get the more we can do for ourselves, each other, and the cause of eliminating CSA.

Reading what you wrote about your own struggles and how you are facing them is not only impressive but inspirational to me personally as I too struggle with letting people in, fear of intimacy, among other things. I also built a wall. It's kept too many people out and the best version of myself in for too long. You're right. It starts with being honest with ourselves. And oh how the truth will see us free : ) I just wish it wasn't so hard! : P

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi Publius

Thanks for your post it's really appreciated.

Being honest with ourselves is brutal, it has meant facing the reality of what I'd hidden behind these walls for a very long time, but in truth it was the only way that I could see to start healing.

It went against everything that I'd done all of my life for protection, I'd have to lay everything bare, open my inner being and break the dam, guilt shame loathing flooded in, flashbacks, triggering, it was and is a very dark time.

At first I felt like I'd turned myself inside out exposing this writhing mass of disease that had been hidden and was shouting at the world - look at this nasty little worthless piece of crap, see what he brought on himself, don't pity him he deserved everything, scrape him off of the bottom of your shoe, pretty much everything that I'd believed myself to be. However for the people that mattered I was still David, they now understood why, it wasn't my fault, I wasn't to blame.

Publius I don't know what your personal circumstances are but certainly to the people here, it wasn't your fault, you're not to blame. like you my best version was locked away, but he's not now, he's still hiding but occasionally he manages to look out and see the world as it should be.

Wishing you peace and healing

David

 

[don64]

Hi David,

Sending you love and support.

Don