Stolen boyhood

[i-m-Bri]

I've been trying to express the weird nightmarish state I grew up in. I was a boy who wanted to be a boy, but didn’t believe he was. I couldn't let anyone know what I wanted because I believed they would laugh and mock me. I was terrified they'd find out that I wanted to think of myself as a boy. But at the same time, I really was a boy and my male body gave away my secret.

Right after the assault I stood up with everyone looking at me. I didn't run and hide. My natural defense was to pretend it didn't happen. I pretended that I wasn't crushed with so humiliation. All that shame drowned me and I just pretended to breath. and somehow that toxic numbing stole my boyhood.

I think what I need to say is it really hurt and how fucking confusing it was. I see how much of my life was altered, how much I avoided just to stay under the radar. And I still do it today. Not as much, I've made huge changes. But I second guess myself and worry if I claimed to much by asserting my equality with other men, cause I sure as hell don't feel equal. My self hate says I'm just a tolerated guest. That's the voice I have to fight with.

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Bri

Today, my daughter who is a date rape survivor, posted on Facebook "Nobody knows how disgusting I feel after what he did to me." I gave her a big hug and told her she was not disgusting and in fact was a beautiful and wonderful young woman.

I would say the same to you. You were a real boy. You wanted to be one and you were, just like now you are a real man. You are more than a tolerated guest, you are a welcome addition to any circle of friends.

My therapist talks about self-hatred as being loyal to dysfunction and I think he is right. Like you I frequently think bad thoughts about myself. I know those thoughts are wrong and are dysfunctional, but sometimes I don't FEEL that.

What was done to us confused us and hurt us immeasurably. But we can be better than what was done to us. We can be more than survivors, we can be proud men. I wish you the very best.

Mike

 

[Elad1]

BDD - I'm sorry you're feeling pain, it is good to express this, it is very healing. Yes your boyhood was robbed and there is grief in your words, yet the little BDD is still in you. Let him know he counts, he is wanted and he can still be loved. Please be kind to yourself let him know you are there to let him shine the boy he always was meant to be.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Sorry for not replying sooner. This whole subject got me writing and looking and writing more. I’ve been seeing just how powerfully just one instance affected my ability to form my own identity. When I say the assault bent my life, what I really mean is it deflected me from who I really was.

I’ve posted a bunch on my blog in the last few days. Most central to this is Null