Still Trying

[MJCS]

I'm 70 years old now. I've spent a lot of money on therapy and medications. Both have helped tremendously, but I still have bouts of anger, depression, anxiety, and hallucinations. The meds have some bad side effects, but the alternative is worse. I can't go back to the way it was before. My parents have been dead for many years, but I still get anxious when I think of them. There was a time when I seriously thought of killing both of them for making my life a living hell. Fortunately, with hospitalization and support from my wife and family, I was able to forgive them and try to move on. The strange thing is I don't have such anger toward the man that raped me when I was 9. There are still triggers that affect me deeply. A few days ago I watched the "Leaving Neverland" documentary and Oprah's show afterward. It was tough to get through all of that, but I'm glad I did. I feel pretty good today.
In addition, I would like to say a few things about the Catholic Church; I've heard people try to defend the crisis of abuse toward children. I frequently hear the excuse "Don't blame everyone in the Church for the actions of a few". IT'S NOT THE ACTIONS OF THE FEW. IT'S THE ACTIONS OF MANY! The Church is a huge cult filled with disgusting, abusive people that lead double lives. The wealth of the Church cannot possibly be estimated. As a small example, go visit the Vatican Museum. No one knows the value of their world wide real estate portfolio. They defend the good they do with their charities. Fine, but it's not commensurate with the wealth of the church.
Those people were extremely abusive to my siblings and me when we were children.
I hope with all the information that is coming out that someday the Church will be bankrupted. Justice needs to be done for all of us that suffered.

 

[KMCINVA]

You are right--the individual is responsible and the institution only becomes responsible once it engages in cover-up and denial. Sadly, too many of the church members engage in the belief the survivor is responsible, it is not true. Why--blind faith and sadly as experts have told me ignorance-ignorance is pervasive. It comes from closing the mind to the truth and one doctor said their fear of realizing who they are and the truth of what they lived. Everyone has some level of abuse in their lives. I clearly remember witnessing an horrific attack of a child because the child was dating someone outside the "Catholic" faith. To this day they deny the abuse. This same family had a priest friend who has been named in a few suits as a perp, their response he was made to become a priest--plain and simple he is a sexual predator even if his mother made him become a priest. His name has come up recently in articles and when I first mentioned it several years ago I was full of s**t. The same response to the adult child being abused by the parents. Once you accept abuse, you cannot accept the abuse of someone else as real. I lived it and lived among abuse which they do not see as abuse. Doctors, survivor, T's, legal professionals say it is abuse but they will never admit what it does to a survivor. My father's family were rough and tumble. They talk of my grandfather's abuse, we all accept it and do not deny it. I realize they are the best of the best, they accepted my abuse versus those that denied the abuse of their family members. Time for them to think of truth and who they are. Do not be hard on yourself.

I let people who pushed me to ending life because of their actions. Never a word of acceptance it was wrong. I was spat on, locked in a room as an adult and they say this is normal. You cannot get caught in the trap I allowed myself to be caught in. The Catholic Church, family guilt and denial create a world of pain and hurt. It nearly forced me to take my life.

At the same time, the diocese knows of my abuse and the people I have encountered accept the abuse as real and acknowledge my pain. Would it not be great if those who as you say are part of the cult--step back and admit the truth. I believe too many have bought in and they will continue to perpetuate the Church's and other institutional as well as their familial abuses until they acknowledge and accept. I hold little hope and instead I have found people and an environment that accepts truth. People I hang with today, know their past, accept their pasts and accept the past of others. The Church and many within the church are too blinded and cannot face their moral and ethical conscience.

It took me years to get where I am and no one will bring me back to their control, their denials--they are liars or have convinced themselves of "alternative truths" and will live with their lies as they slowly eat away at their heart and soul. As a survivor I lied to myself for decades, these lies ate at my heart, soul and mind and made me accept the negative actions of others is what I deserved. Today I accept my thinking was wrong. My syncope, dissociation, self loathing caused pain to others, which I accept and I am sorry for this pain and hurt. As someone asked were my actions the result of their actions that pushed me to a world of syncope, dissociation, and self loathing. I will not argue--because it is like which came first, the chicken or the egg. I will not live with their lies and denials because they nearly killed me. I nearly lost a friend last week who has been struggling, a survivor, and this experience made me realize we buy into the lies of the abuser, the institution and families. No more for me.

Sorry to ramble. I understand your words and believe you are finding the footing to move forward. Good for you because only you can heal. Healing with love and support is far easier than trying to heal in a less than loving environment, it rather impedes healing. Keep us posted.

Kevin

 

[MJCS]

Thank you, Kevin. Your words help tremendously.
Michael