Still struggling

[hanginon]

I thank you all for your responses to my original post, and appreciate the immediacy of the messages that got posted.

My "ex" and I met, finally, last Tuesday, to say goodbye for now after much begging on my part. I couldn't let go fully until I was able to see him again and to cry with him about where we've been together and what my addiction to sex and my incestuous past has done to bring us to this point. I was able to breathe easy once we were together and it felt good to spend some time mourning the loss that we both feel together.

My problem now is that I feel in limbo still with the relationship. Mark, my "ex", and I met online - after a mutual friend told us that we needed to talk about our interests (sexual) since he tought we'd be compatible. Four years and many therapy sessions later (individual and couples) we are apart. It breaks my heart that it took his leaving to wake me up to the severity of my problems and now that I have been "woken up" - he's not there to help me get through this.

I have read many posts on a bulletin board like this one for partners of Sex Addicts/Incest Survivors (why are they synonymous?) - and I know that the Co-dependent nature of being involved with SA/IS is very hurtful and difficult to deal with - but why, at the time I most need to be loved and supported, was my "ex" able to walk away?

I do know that my "ex" has many issues he, too, has to work through. He is the child of a recovered alcoholic mother and a father who left when he was 5 years old. He has issues with being codependent and trying to fix everyone else's problems without focusing on his own need to heal and grow.

Since one of the symptoms of our dysfunctional relationship was/is cybersex, I have not, since our split up, spent time looking for sex online (I tend to binge). I have spent more time "binging" on material about SA and incest survival. But, I have seen my ex online and found an ad of his on a sex site right before we broke up - which exacerbated our breakup because I got angry that he was preaching to me not to be a cyberslut and yet he was there?

We don't live together (he moved back to his mom's after our initial split up two years ago) and we've been "dating" after a 9-month separation until January of this year. We had a good thing going the second round, until I began to get impatient and frustrated with his living situation since he always said we wouldn't live together again until he could live alone and experience life on his own as a gay man. You see, he only came out recently at the age of 33 and has never had the chance to live openly on his own.

There's so much to talk about here but I don't want to overwhelm the message board with details. I am now coping with the idea that we are apart and not talking or seeing each other (no more tears - I cried for 7-days nonstop). I want to heal, to get to a better place with all of this, but I do feel that Mark won't be there when I get there...any thoughts on how to reconcile this dilemma?

Ironically, I met another incest survivor through my job - he too is gay, my age (40), suffered similar (more severe) incest, and is a very nice guy to talk to. He knows where I am in terms of recovery, yet he is "coming on" to me which makes me feel uncomfortable for any number of reasons - but mostly because I am not attracted to him! I appreciate the perspectives and experience he provides, but I don't think he is seriously in recovery and that is what I need right now!

At any rate, I know this message is all over the map but I hope you can help me with continued support and understanding messages!

Thank you all,
john

 

[blaidd]

John,

Wanting to respond and to acknowledge your post, but not sure what words to say...

I do feel for what you have been going through in terms of the relationship with your partner.

More than anything, as I write this, I am thinking of how I relate to the experience of ending a relationship when one's issues have very much played a role. I realise that you are in the midst of grieving and that is very understandable when you've shared so much of yourself with someone you've been close to.

I've been there, I know how heartbreaking it is, and I would never want to diminish or under-estimate how much it hurts right now. The ending of a relationship is hard on anyone, but I do think it's compounded when you have SA issues, because there is a lot of fear and insecurity involved.

When my previous relationsip finished, I was a shattered mess. I was convinced that it was my fault, and because I loved my partner so much, at the time, I felt a huge hole in my heart. I'd invested so much of myself in the relationship that I couldn't see beyond it.

I felt I was so screwed up I could never face being with someone again, as if anyone would want me, cause my then partner certainly didn't cope.

It took me 18 months to let go, a long time, probably because I still had contact with my ex. He kept saying he wanted to try again, and it was a very drawn out process, because I wanted him back too. It never happened, and I came to realise that it was totally dysfunctional to carry on communication with him, and that neither of us was benefiting from it. As much as it hurt, I made the decision to cut ties and it was probably one of the most liberating things I've ever done.

I'm telling you this because I now realise that continuing the dysfunctional relationship was not healthy for me or my then partner. Sometimes you can sort through issues with the person you love and it's worth trying to and is important to give it a go. But there is also the fact that some relationships are just so messy that it's better to walk away.

In doing so, walking away that is, new doors and opportunities open up. I now have a new man in my life, something I never imagined would happen again while I was going through the grieving process with my previous partner. While there are still issues, I am finding myself managing them far differently from my previous relationship. The dynamics are just so different. I think with each new relationship in your life you continue to grow and learn.

So to answer your question: "I want to heal, to get to a better place with all of this, but I do feel that Mark won't be there when I get there...any thoughts on how to reconcile this dilemma?".

I'd say this to you... If you aren't ready to let go, then keep communicating with Mark it's quite possible that you can overcome the difficulties you both face. Be gentle and kind to yourself and continue to work through the process of healing. However, if you and him can not reconcile and you both continue to hurt then moving on may be the best solution. You are a good and worthwhile person and despite all the hurt and pain of what you've been through, in the end, someone will walk in to your life and see the "beautiful" person that you are. Mark may not be there, and right now that hurts, but the possibilities are endless, something that gets lost when we are going through such hard times. It will happen, just give yourself time, because it does make a world of difference...

hugs and regards,

blaidd