still just a kid i guess

still just a kid i guess
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
why is it that some part of me just won't grow up ? god i'm such a screw up ! i met a girl at work ,yes me shadow and a girl!!she is very nice and she asked if she could come to my house last night , of course i said yes ,but i was scared bigtime ,wondering what to say and do . so she shows up and we got a little drunk and high ,her idea ,well she says she don't want to drive can she spend the night . like a ten year old i told her she could have my bed and i would take the couch ,but that's not what she had in mind ,ok now i'm freaking out ,my first time with a girl!!! she leaned over me and tried to kiss me ,that's when things turned to shit ,i just freaked ,kissing is one of my biggest triggers,my abuser would hold my head like a vice and force me to kiss him ,made me wanna puke !so she is leaning across my body felt like i was trapped again she got almost to my mouth and i pushed her off ,i couldn't catch my breath ,i could feel my abuser mashing his mouth over mine ,only god knows why i didn't pop her one ,she got real pissed and asked what the hell is wrong with me ,i didn't say anything and she said you know adam you are a nice guy ,but your just to strange ,and stormed out the door .why am i such a f ck up !!i didn';t expect her to want sex hell we just met .i liked her a lot but i fu ked it up ,now i'm sure she thinks i'm gay or just crazy .i had a chance to do something normal and blew it !!why did i miss out on all the things a guy learns when he is growing up ,i acted like a ten year old .why did it take all my time just to survive ,i don't know how to act with a girl . i mean what 21 year old wouldn't want to have sex? sorry normal 21 year old ,god she must think i'm an idiot .man i just suck at everything !! my question is should i try to explain it to her ? if she will ever speak to me again .i don't want her to think it was her fault . how can i be grown up enough to survive on the streets and in foster care ,but not know shit about things like normal boy girl stuff ? this could have been my chance to have a normal relationship ,but i guess normal is not what i am .any advice would really help ,it took all my courage just to have her come over ,i thought finally i'm doing something good for myself ,moving forward ,yeah i embarresed the hell out of her and acted like a scared little boy ,god this sucks ,how many other ways did that bastard screw me up ? didn't go to work today i'm afraid i would see her ,or that she told everyone what happened . should i talk to her or just give up ? thought i was gonna be a man finally ,guess i'll never be anything but a scared kid who can't grow up . thanks adam
 
Adam,

I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I have to say it doesn't surprise me one bit.

You did not "fuck up" Adam. An unexpected situation arose and you were badly triggered by it. There is no shame at all in that - in similar circumstances that probably would have happened to any of us. As you are a survivor, your response to what happened was entirely normal.

You might want to speak to her and assure her that you like her and enjoy her company, but for various reasons you have to take things slower than what she seems to have had in mind. On the other hand, you might want to be cautious about telling her the whole story. Unless you really trust her you can't be sure how she will react or what she will do with the information. It is up to you who you tell, but once you tell someone then the information is no longer yours alone.

You talk about being a scared kid. I guess in a way that's right. Little Adam freaked out at the thought it was all going to start again, and I don't blame him at all.

But take it easy on yourself bro. You are not a fuck up, abnormal, lacking in manhood, a screw up, or whatever. You were just not ready for this, and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with being this way your first time with a girl, and unfortunately this time it didn't work out. But don't judge yourself; that will only make things worse.

Things will get better, but perhaps it would be a good idea for you to slow down a bit. Also, speak to your T about this and I am sure you will get some good advice.

Much love,
Larry
 
thanks larry,i wish my whole damn life would just slow down a little feels like a runaway train sometimes ,i wanted so bad to just be a normal guy for one night .just look what that asshole did to me !!i'll never be able to fix all the things he screwed up in me .i though i could just tell her that some things in my life have made me kinda scared ,but not really give details .unless she wants to know .i want so bad to tell someone here you know ,i mean someone who is here where i am but like you said who knows what she will think or who she might tell
 
Adam,

You ARE a normal guy, but one who is recovering from a terribly abnormal crime and doing a very good job! You WILL recover.

It would be a great thing if you have a "real flesh and blood" confidant, yes. But there again, move slowly and try not to do everything at once. This has to be someone you really know and trust.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam
we got a little drunk and high ,her idea ,
Click to expand...
I think the high may have effected you when it came to her advances. It was hard for you to process your feeling under that state of mind.

Try to meet with her in the park or some where that you can talk. If she likes you I am sure she will listen. You don.t have to give her any details but let her know you are dealing with childhood trauma. Let her know that you really have to go slow but want t her to be part of you life. Best Luck Tom
 
Adam someday I know it doesn't feel like it now YOU WILL fix all the things that happened to you and YOU WILL have a normal( as normal as they can be) relationship with a woman because YOU WANT it to happen. If she really really likes you for the right reasons she will understand. I've had similar experiences but mine didn't happen untill much later in life. I have avoided women at work who were interested in me cause it meant facing my pain.And yes there were rumours that I wasn't attracted to women and it hurt me very much . I would also avoid a full disclosure to her too. right now she feels dejected only time will tell if she will understand. I wish I was better at this so I could offer you better advice but after I read this post from you I was reminded of my own experiences.who knows maybe she will surprise us all and approach you about what happened miracles happen every day. PJ !
 
Hey Adam,

be easy on yourself.

If you could find courage, ask to see her again, or talk on the phone, write her a note, but one way or the other think about disclosure to her.

She has probably been with other guys who just cannot wait to have sex, a normal thing that you should possess, and you do deep down, it is just triggering in the process.

I know disclosure can be tricky, especially if you work with her, that is up to you, and how much you can trust her.

You could think of saying that you had problems in childhood which causes you issues of trust.
Ask her to keep on being at least a friend, and someone to talk to.

You would maybe have had better advice in family forums.

Looking back from my point of view, I would tell a girl now, but not then, as I had no support in life, you do, with this place.

I bet this incident made you feel like you fell down a deep black hole, I did, many times, and always blamed myself.

I hope it works out,

ste
 
Adam,

Wow, that must have been pretty bad for you to have to go through, but there is one thing to remember, you are not a fuck up.

Probably one of the best things you can do right now is to turn this whole disaster of a situation around and make a learning experience out of it. Ask your self questions such as:

1. How did I get into this situation.
2. What would I like to do differently to make things go better?
3. If a girl wants to kiss, how will I react? Here, it might be a good idea to play through the situation in your mind to see how it makes you feel.
4. What are my limits or boundaries going to be?

I'm sure there's more but this is a start and you know much better than I do what other things you might to add.

Hang in there my friend because you are worth it!

Darrel
 
Boy this sounds too all familiar to me.
All I want to say is that, once you have been thru an experience of forced sex. You are liable to go thru similar experiences repeatedly where you would ge opportunities to say no. That night you just did that.Though after being triggered off.
You were not yet comfortable to have sex with her, though wanted to act 'normal' with her. Which is say yes yes each time a girl offers sex.

So all that triggered off your body, and this would happen till you learn to respect your body and say no, when you want to, because now you can. No matter how odd it might seems. Even if if she throws a tantrum, just because she feels rejected or that she couldn't control you, so be it.
If she is really worth it, or if she really values you, she would approach you once again, and if it was only for sex, as it seems to me right now, drop it, good you reacted that way, your trigger in a way saved you.

My learning came when I realised that I CAN say no, and still not loose my respect. If she doesn't like it, too bad.

Learn to act pricey, not because you should, because you would have sex with someone who would deserve your love.

If she cant wait till you are confortable with her, then she is not worth the wait, because you are worthy to have sex with someone when it is an expression of your love, not when it is used for momentary lust, that too after getting drunk.

Her 'idea' didn't work so she stormed out, good for her, she would learn to respect you. If you are not comfortable yet to initiate intimacy, so be it, ask her to take it easy or slow, or say That it is the way YOU want.
These are all oportunities for you to take back the charge over your body, so be aware.

Sex without respect can be controlling, just as love. Once you learn to respect yourself, others will have to follow.

Because any time sex is 'forced' on you, you'd have similar reactions. Learn to respect your pace, it will never betray you.

The idea of meeting in a park or a coffee shop is a good idea till you feel completely at ease to let go.

As I see it now, that after abuse I am empowered in way, I can never have sex just for the heck of it, I can only have sex when it out of love. And my body knows it.
 
Go easy on yourself, Adam. One thing you said recently in a post that rang a bell for me was "Why is it that I can feel so much for you, but can't feel for myself." Those weren't your excact words (It was to Darrel.), but that was the gist of it. Sometimes I think that's one of the biggest questions we have. I can feel so strongly for someone else here about something that they are struggling with, and understand the struggle so well, and then get so mad at myself when the same thing happens to me. It just doesn't make sense.

You talk about yourself as being a fuck up and a screw up and ask why you can't be normal. With the things you have been through, Adam, I think any other reaction than the one you had would have been the abnormal reaction. It is amazing to me that you survived your childhood. Please don't get down on yourself for any problems you may have as a result of what you have been through. Easy for me to say...I wasn't there to feel the embarrassment your felt in this situation.

I'm so big on not being ashamed of what has happened to us, and not feeling like we have to hide something that wasn't our fault and that we had nothing to do with. And then something like this comes along, and I have absolutely no advice. If I were you, I wouldn't know what to do.

The other guys who have responded to your post have had really good and well-grounded ideas, but the final action has to be yours. But whatever your choice, please don't ever, ever be ashamed of who you are. You are an amazing survivor of an incredibly horrible childhood, and, not only did you survive, you got through it with your humanity and your kindness and your caring still intact. That is even more amazing. No matter what you do in life from here on out, Adam, you will never be a fuck up or a screw up....you've come to far for that. You've fought and won too many battles for that. I just can't stand by and let you say anything negative about someone that I have such incredible respect for. I just can't. Bobby
 
Bobby,
You are right there, when ever in frustration I say, God my life is so f**ked up, or you are so f*ked up! I immediately sense a feeling of anger rising within me. As if my innner self is angry with me, for disrespecting it. After all that it has gone thru to bring me to this point, he would expect some amount of gratitude and respect from me. You are right. I am worthy of respect from myself. Then only world will respect me.
 
How about this slant on what happened, and yes, it has happened to me on many occasions, so much so that I gave up even thinking of sex with a girl.

To a normal full blooded male, most of them would jump at sex with a girl, not that you are not normal or full blooded.

The girl expected you to jump at the chance too, and could not even think of why you passed her up.

A lot of guys can just drop their boundaries and have sex just like that, some cannot through shyness or whatever.

Our trouble is the triggers that revolve around sex, and the memories embedded into us.

Touch therapy can be good, if you are ready for it, but hope it works out,

ste
 
I echo what has been said. Sounds like you may still be able to salvage the situation. As said before she's probably feeling rejected. Call her and tell her you like her and was caught off guard in that situation since you weren't expecting anything to happen between you two. Let her know that you aren't like other guys and that you're a bit more traditional and like to take the physical side of relationships slowly. Offer to make her dinner or create a picnic senario (some grocery stores sell picnic packages for us guys to use).

As for your comfort zone ... I definitely do not like to be touched in certain ways or be in certian positions/situations. I usually approach any physical situation (i.e even holding hands) in a more assertive approach. If you don't like her being on top of you ... position yourself or approach it so you are on top or simply in a more cofort zone type of position.

Another food for thought ... if she has been abused herself (1 out of 3 women are estimated to have been sexually abused) she may seek sex to numb her own pain. I dated a girl who couldn't get enough sex (cheated on me). She felt soooo rejected if I showed the slightest disinterest. What happened wasn't just about you and what's going on in your head as a result of the past. She is dealing with her on issues as well.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
hi guys,been wanting to update this post ,well she called and apologized to me for comming on too strong ,i have met with her twice and given her just enough info to let her understand why i reacted the way i did . she don'tseem to like who she is so she thought if she gave me sex right away i would like her ,but i like her without the sex ,isn't that better for both of us?she said all the guys she knows just want sex ,i told her i'm not like the guys she knows and she said that is why she called me back . funny the things i think i need to work on are the things she says got her interested in me ,i'm quiet ,shy i guess you would say and she said that she likes the fact that i'm not some macho asshole .she said i looked lonely to her and like i could use a friend ,she's right about that .she also said that she thought i was just some kid working there after school!till someone told her i am 21 ,there's that damn thing about people thinking i'm still a teenager again ,being small makes people misjudge my age bigtime.i am starting to trust her ,kinda scary but gotta trust somebody right ?she says she never met anyone like me and i'm sure she hasn't ,i just hope she won't run and hide when she gets to know me .i want to tell her everything but i don't think it is time for that yet ,but i do think she deserves to know what she is getting into with me .i don't think she has been abused but she don't seem to have a lot of self confidence ,so we have that in common .she seems amazed that i haven't had sex yet but thinks it is cool she is also 5 years older than me .but i don't mind that, i told her right now i need a good friend much more than i need sex.she says i'm just so different from other guys ,and wants to know why .i told her i had some real bad experiences growing up and it gives me a different look on the world .i asked her to help me ,she asked how ,and i told her i don't know yet but being my friend is a good start .i think this is something good happening ,but i wonn't set my expectations too high ,if i do tell her she might just turn and run ,you just never know . for now i have found a friend ,and it's a girl!! big step for me .thanks for all the advice on this post ,it kept me from just blurting out my story and freaking her completly . adam
 
Adam,

I think you are handling this SO well!!! The problem is that people very often don't know how to respond to survivors or figure out what is helpful and what is not. It's a good idea to just ease her gradually into your world and see how things go.

As I guess you are seeing, a relationship with a woman isn't just about sex. Perhaps as you become closer to her that will come, and if it does I know it will be a wonderful experience for you. But just set your own pace. You don't owe a THING to the macho bullshit expectations of "real men" that bombard us every day. It is a good sign that she is prepared to relate to you as a good man, and not just as a potential sex partner.

Much love,
Larry
 
adam, you have instigated an incredible list of supportive posts. also , your most recent seems very positive.
relationships with others come and go. your relationship with your self is forever.
i appreciated bobby's post that he couldn't stand by while your inner voice was so verbally abusive.
i hope in your therepy you are working with ways to give that voice less power. for me, the voice never disappeared, but i have learned ways over a lifetime (i'm 57) to mitigate it. good luck. bob
 
I can definitely relate to this. I ended up with a girl last summer, and it got sexual and I was so full of anxiety and I felt sick, but I didn't have the power to stop it. We didn't go all the way, but it went a LOT further than I wanted it to. I was afraid she wouldn't like me if I wouldn't be sexual with her, so I just kept going and going until finally she tired of it. This girl had a severe trauma history, too, and she dissociated during the event, so she was out of control, too.

Anyway, I think it is a great thing that you were able to stop the process that night, and look what came of it! You've made a friend! I've been lurking around here, reading posts and such, and I can identify with a lot of what you write. I definitely don't fit the stereotype of the sex-hungry twenty year old... far from it, sex scares the crap out of me and I feel like no girl will like me because I won't want to have sex.

Sounds like she's definitely willing to give you a chance. Just remember, take it slow, and easy does it, no reason to rush into telling her your whole life story, some people just can't handle the truth of what we've been through, but I totally understand wanting to pour your heart out and be accepted. I usually can't keep my mouth shut about how "messed up" I am because it's become my identity. Good luck with all of this, it looks like things are going smoothly.
 
Adam,

I find it difficult to believe you are the same young man that came here just a little over 2 months ago. I know these last few weeks have been so full of messed up stuff, but you've done so well. It's amazing the progress you've made during that time.

I agree with the others. Now that you're beginning to form relationships with people in the real world, just take it easy and slowly. And most of all, try not to hurt another person. Be gentle with their hearts the way you'd like them to be gentle with yours.

I'm happy for you, Bro.

Lots of love,

John
 
This is old school and becoming more unacceptable by the minute, but I'd wait till after the wedding to have sex if I were you. Believe me it'll save you much heartache if the relationship doesn't work out. You won't feel guilty for being with someone elses wife either, if she marries some other guy. Sex is for your family life Adam, not for sport. Sounds like a gem has rolled your way. Don't dishonor her or you. D.
 
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