Still feeling guilty

[Elad1]

I didn't go to a siblings memorial service for several reasons. The service was for a sibling who was a decade older than me and I didn't have much of a connection with him. When he was alive he wasn't always so nice to me, in my teen years there was hitting and anger directed at me, he called me faggot to hurt me. My other sibling was present at the service, who was my abuser. I feel I have come so far along in the healing process that had I gone I would have put myself in a position for a major set back in recovery. I still feel guilty for not going but frankly I don't owe these people anything even though they are my family, but I feel guilty.

Question, how can I continue to work on easing the feeling of guilt for not going? As a child I was always made to feel guilty, I even felt guilty for the anger I had like I was really petty and selfish. Looking back all I wanted was validatation for what I was feeling, I needed compassion, understanding and empathy. So eventually I stopped asking and I learned helplessness, this was a lasting legacy of the abuse from the narcissist sibling who is still living. I wrote in my journal yesterday and gained clarity, I am talking with someone later, and I am writing here on this site. I see this as part of a conscious effort of experiential practice to face the imbedded pathway feeling of guilt. I do feel like a warrior but at times I want to put down my sword and capitulate, this is one of those times. I tell myself guilt is a feeling of having done something wrong, but I didn't do anything wrong to justify feeling guilty. I am protecting my inner child from further abuse by having no contact with my sibling abuser. I feel sad, lonely and guilty. I am asking for help.

 

[ImNotTheOnlyOne]

Hi Elad1,

I also come from a family with abusers in it and I have a lot of guilt and shame around it. I got into a conflict with someone recently and did a decent job communication with them and they ended up acknowledging their own actions that had fed into the conflict. It was amazing, both in the sense that I connected with this person, and also in the sense that I recognized that in contrast, my own family members were completely unable to acknowledge their own part in our family dysfunction. I think my point is that a decent person will acknowledge their part, and if your family won't do that, then I agree with you that you don't owe them anything.

You're not alone.
-INTOO

 

[LoneWolfX]

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[Ceremony]

Hi Elad1, thanks for sharing your thinking. I find a lot of learned reactions visit me all my life. There are many here writing of the abuse, the betrayal, done by a family member or more. To me, that's an added complexity where so many have shared their family won't validate the mess.

Slowly over the years, my families dysfunction, which was neglect, has risen in my focus of therapy. I see how I lost vital steps of childhood, the attachment needed to be validated for being someone. It's a step that gives a child confidence to be, to explore, to open to learning and accepting change. These last were always forced onto me, and I hide more and more.

I see that as a reason I became a victim and why my trauma is complex. Knowing these things, for me, gives me a chance to see what others mean, and I connect with you. I feel more connected to those who understand me, than to those whose dysfunction created me. I think that seems obvious, but, hiding, the survival system that's inherent in me, was avoidance, placating and a deep need to have some kind of way to be good to others. I often did things for others, knowing it was not good for me, like missing an appointment, or class so that the other persons needs were met. I failed to take care of me, because I didn't care about me.

Well, I've only learned one thing so far that builds me. It's the metaphor of that bucket I keep writing about. The only thing that's had an impact toward filling it has been tapping. However, I have discovered how all the toxicity around me, blocks me from finding the few moments, just moments, I need to think good thoughts and tap. I find that extraordinary, my T might say "isn't that interesting"? Maybe there's some more to discover... like last week, I have blocked out compliments from being entertained. Just really looked at that this last week, and I've not cared about that before... but I see it's connection to self worth, to lost attachment as a baby, losing that vital attunement to a care giver whom comforted me. Then I could have had some sense of attachment to my core/birth family, where I had a safe base. Instead... as we know, when that safety is missing, we end up with complex problems.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Elad,

A few thoughts come to mind when I read your post.

First, I agree with others that you did nothing wrong by not going. However, if it still bothers you, then consider sending a sympathy card to the deceased's family or anyone else you feel like contacting. You could say something like "I regret not being able to make the service, but I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best."
Then, leave it at that. You acknowledged the passing to the right people, and have taken a socially appropriate step to publicly acknowledging the loss.

Second, I will be brutally honest about one of the ways in which I have been able to get rid of guilt, false or otherwise. And that is, give yourself permission at some point - when you are ready of course - to express anger at those who have hurt or abused you in the past. This sounds scary but it can be is very empowering. Once you own your anger (which is usually down there stuffed somewhere anyway - if you say it's not, I say you are kidding yourself), it has a way of really shifting perspective regarding who is the injured party here.

Just talking from experience here....I could give you examples if you PM me. Too long to detail here.

Regards,

Chris

 

[DavoSwim]

Elad,

I'm sorry you're feeling down, but in your writing, you show that you really do have a good understanding of what's happening. Guilt is the response of your conscience for having done something wrong. In most cases guilt is a good thing, for it shows that you have ethics, and you understand the difference between right and wrong. You have done nothing wrong. I can understand if you're feeling sad or a sense of loss, but those are different feelings, which have a different purpose.

Please keep telling yourself that you've done nothing wrong, and have no reason to feel guilty. If you don't quite believe it, then keep repeating that statement until you do believe it. In a sense, you have to fake it until you make it. You're strong, and you're a survivor. You can do this. I wish you the best.

Dave

 

[Elad1]

Thanks everyone,

@ IMTOO...You are so right and I will dedicate as long as it takes to amend this emotion I feel. I went to my T and had EMDR to process how I hear the voice (of the perpetrator who raped me) inside my head telling me to go, "you have to go, we are family," and my T suggested I keep repeating "why? Where were you when I was raped?" To Lonewolfx, yes this helps and thank you for putting a name to the emotion I feel,TOXIC. I keep reading about toxic shame, toxic people etc, but this is gives visibility to the root, the core of this mess. To Ceremony, as always your thoughtful writing has enlightened me and inspires me to continue examining. I love what you said, "I feel more connected to those who understand me, than those whose dysfunction created me," the journey will continue. To Chris, your suggestions offer additional insight for honoring the family. I did confront my abuser, you are so right, with help from my T I felt empowered for the FIRST time in my life. I am begining to see myself as a thriver by setting my boundaries and for honoring them for little Elad. Dave, I honor your reflection that I have a good understanding of what is happening, I know I'm working the solution and re-wiring or creating new pathways for acknowledging my emotions by placing them where they should be, appropriately.

Thanks so much brothers. I just want to write a few things about my progress to my healing. I no longer experience chronic depression like I had all my life, yes I do get depressed but It doesn't last, it's not chronic. Although I still dissociate, it is not as often and I am becoming aware of it. Although CPTSD is still with me, the symptoms are not so razor sharp anymore. What can be described as "Big Emotions" are not so big anymore but at times I do experience them. I am attaining emotional regulation and no one is allowed near the levers of my emotions, not even the Wizard Of Oz!! I continue to go to counseling, it's been two years with my current trauma therapist. Writing here and askingg for help and suggestions is telling me I am not isolating in my mess, it is telling me I'm on it! It takes work and yes it can be exhausting and sometimes I feel defeated but then I realize it's only for a battle, but I'm winning the war.

 

[manipulated]

Yes you are Elad1, yes you are winning the war! I see it in your posts. I hear it in the depths of your original post. You did reach out. You did seek support. You truly are winning the war!