Still Embarrassed

Brian76

Registrant
Males in society hear about women abusing boys and think that kid is lucky he is getting sex at such an age. They have no clue about the damage being done. I still find myself thinking this way when I read about an adult female who has sex with a minor. But I have to correct myself and remember this is going to really mess that kid up. I can't help but think at least with a female abuser you are not left dealing with issues of homosexuality. Am I gay or was it the abuse? I doubt I'll ever know what my true sexual orientation is.
I sometimes struggle with my sexuality. I love women and everything about them but I occasionally think what it would be like with a man who isn't a rapist. I am married so I guess I will never know... Thanks for sharing!
 
I sometimes struggle with my sexuality. I love women and everything about them but I occasionally think what it would be like with a man who isn't a rapist. I am married so I guess I will never know... Thanks for sharing!
Since you are married best bet is to stick with that and not mess things up by exploring the other side of things. Its great that you were able to find a woman you love and get married.
 

Brian76

Registrant
Since you are married best bet is to stick with that and not mess things up by exploring the other side of things. Its great that you were able to find a woman you love and get married.
Thank you. You are correct. My acting out has gotten me into hot water in the past. The question will always remain I suppose. What a complicated life we live as survivors.. .
 
My acting out made it impossible for me to actually be present for an intimate relationship... hence four marriages ended in divorce. What you describe Brian is rooted in the trauma you experienced. Our sexuality is badly bent by trauma and coming to peace will happen only when we recognize those urges as a perpetuation of the trauma. There is nothing there that does anything but keep us caught. If we want to be free we have to do the hard work of healing. The alternative is a life of confusion and turmoil which can possibly lead to our being alone.

Sadly, I didn't come to healing until I was an old man... so I am alone and asexual. At least I'm no longer confused about any of it and the last thing in the world i want is to walk down that bleak road again. That I still have a dear relationship with my fourth wife, who knows everything about my acting out behavior is a blessing... and that relationship exists ONLY because of the healing work we're both doing. Perhaps if we were twenty years younger we might re-explore an intimate relationship but that is not in the cards right now. What we have is precious.
 

Brian76

Registrant
My acting out made it impossible for me to actually be present for an intimate relationship... hence four marriages ended in divorce. What you describe Brian is rooted in the trauma you experienced. Our sexuality is badly bent by trauma and coming to peace will happen only when we recognize those urges as a perpetuation of the trauma. There is nothing there that does anything but keep us caught. If we want to be free we have to do the hard work of healing. The alternative is a life of confusion and turmoil which can possibly lead to our being alone.

Sadly, I didn't come to healing until I was an old man... so I am alone and asexual. At least I'm no longer confused about any of it and the last thing in the world i want is to walk down that bleak road again. That I still have a dear relationship with my fourth wife, who knows everything about my acting out behavior is a blessing... and that relationship exists ONLY because of the healing work we're both doing. Perhaps if we were twenty years younger we might re-explore an intimate relationship but that is not in the cards right now. What we have is precious.
Thank you again for your counsel. It's never too late to find love. I hope you have happiness. Your advice is invaluable, brother.
 

eagle79

Registrant
Hello to all. Amazing site and the courage shown here! I’d like to tell some of my story. It may trigger especially if you’ve had female abuse and parental abuse.

I am a survivor and still struggle daily. My abuse began when I was 11. My abuser was female and she lived with me. She and her mom moved in with my mom and I soon after my parents divorce.

she was kind and smart and funny and pretty. I was shy and introverted and when this girl paid attention to me I was enraptured.

I did not even know it had started. She would wrestle me and rub against me until I was hard. She seemed to like this so I didn’t try and stop it. She then went from rubbing to touching and masturbsting me. I knew so little about sex. The conflicting part was how good it felt physically and how much it hurt mentally. Does everyone suffer that dynamic?

when I began to orgasm, I asked her to stop but she told me if I didn’t want it, it would not have happened. She was very physical and assertive and kept doing it. I did not even understand I was being abused until much later.

I could not stop her. She’d come into my room when ever she wanted and I’d be unable to stop her. Physically and mentally unable. I still don’t know if one dictated the other.

I was too embarrassed to tell my mom but after many months I knew I had too. But sadly, my mom knew!! She’d seen us. And she never stopped it.

that was when I understood it was abuse. The worst kind of betrayal.

I stayed at home less and less. Sleeping at friends house or out in our yard in a tent. Anything to avoid it.

sadly, it did not end until I went to college. I have never gone back home and never will.

my humiliation though, is still with me.

I 100% understand what it was like for you. I was an 11 year old student from a Christian School who knew nothing about sex or even what a condom was. I honestly felt like I should have known more or known better, but after reading your story I can see that everything about me was normal. My abuser was only with me that one day, but other abusers would take her place. I was always unable to stop anything, it was something that I couldn't mentally do. UGH!! Sorry my man.
 

Samson360

Registrant
Hello to all. Amazing site and the courage shown here! I’d like to tell some of my story. It may trigger especially if you’ve had female abuse and parental abuse.

I am a survivor and still struggle daily. My abuse began when I was 11. My abuser was female and she lived with me. She and her mom moved in with my mom and I soon after my parents divorce.

she was kind and smart and funny and pretty. I was shy and introverted and when this girl paid attention to me I was enraptured.

I did not even know it had started. She would wrestle me and rub against me until I was hard. She seemed to like this so I didn’t try and stop it. She then went from rubbing to touching and masturbsting me. I knew so little about sex. The conflicting part was how good it felt physically and how much it hurt mentally. Does everyone suffer that dynamic?

when I began to orgasm, I asked her to stop but she told me if I didn’t want it, it would not have happened. She was very physical and assertive and kept doing it. I did not even understand I was being abused until much later.

I could not stop her. She’d come into my room when ever she wanted and I’d be unable to stop her. Physically and mentally unable. I still don’t know if one dictated the other.

I was too embarrassed to tell my mom but after many months I knew I had too. But sadly, my mom knew!! She’d seen us. And she never stopped it.

that was when I understood it was abuse. The worst kind of betrayal.

I stayed at home less and less. Sleeping at friends house or out in our yard in a tent. Anything to avoid it.

sadly, it did not end until I went to college. I have never gone back home and never will.

my humiliation though, is still with me.
Thanks for posting. I was 9 and he was 18. He totally gained my trust and I lowered my guard way to much. I knew nothing of sexual things and I don't think I had had my first erection. I enjoyed getting in the shower with him because I was curious of him naked as he was grown and I did look up to him as well. I showered with boys my own age so I felt sort of grown with my abuser. When he got me in bed with him and he coaxed me into getting naked as he was too, I felt like it was nothing wrong with that, even though I did feel somewhat that it was not right. He made me hold his penis and rub on it and it was very large and erect. But me at 9 did not get excited and had no erection. His abuse lasted 2 years. I did think it was my fault too and I never told anyone. Since I have come to terms with it with my therapist, I know it was not my fault in any way. Just like what was done to you was not your fault at all. Being 9 years old and you 11, we did not know enough about sex, we just wanted to make them happy or something. So please don't be hard on yourself and like me, try to let it go and leave it in the past. Be good to yourself my friend...
 

RL13000

Registrant
I 100% understand what it was like for you. I was an 11 year old student from a Christian School who knew nothing about sex or even what a condom was. I honestly felt like I should have known more or known better, but after reading your story I can see that everything about me was normal. My abuser was only with me that one day, but other abusers would take her place. I was always unable to stop anything, it was something that I couldn't mentally do. UGH!! Sorry my man.
Hello Quentin, thank you for understanding. It is so helpful knowing we are not alone, that another person my age (at the start) went through something similar, I feel less shame. I hope you are well and safely recovering.
 

NewGerasene

Registrant
I was abused by my mother (and older brother.)

One of the things that bothers me is the thought that she understood what was happening better than I did. Sure, it was MY body, but she knew more about erections than I did. She knew about sex, of course, and I didn't.

I feel like her taking advantage of this knowledge gap is as much of the abuse as anything else.
 

RL13000

Registrant
I was abused by my mother (and older brother.)

One of the things that bothers me is the thought that she understood what was happening better than I did. Sure, it was MY body, but she knew more about erections than I did. She knew about sex, of course, and I didn't.

I feel like her taking advantage of this knowledge gap is as much of the abuse as anything else.
I understand completely! My abuser used her knowledge and experience against me, convincing me that the abuse was ok and normal. Only because she had sexual experience and knowledge that I lacked. It made the humiliation worse.

You are strong and brave.
 
I was abused by my mother (and older brother.)

One of the things that bothers me is the thought that she understood what was happening better than I did. Sure, it was MY body, but she knew more about erections than I did. She knew about sex, of course, and I didn't.

I feel like her taking advantage of this knowledge gap is as much of the abuse as anything else.

One of the things that is critical to understanding all of this is the simple fact she IS and WAS your mother. We each have a relationship with our mother unlike any other relationship we will ever have in life. Developmentally, we rely on the relationship with our mother to feel secure in ourselves and safe in the world. This dynamic process begins at birth and continues for many years. I would hazard a guess that your mother's failings regarding the sexual abuse are not one time events. You'll never remember what it was like to be held by her, to be nursed by her, to have her change your diapers when you were an infant... but this is the same woman.

This topic is of great significance to me because after decades of trying to understand why I've struggled the way I have my whole life I've explored what that early relationship was life with my mother. That has involved study in early childhood development and trauma. In fact, this morning I was readying a scientific study on this subject and these words leaped off the page at me..

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition [18], a traumatic event involves threat to the physical integrity of oneself or another person. In human infancy, however, experienced threat is closely related to the caregiver’s affective signals and availability rather than to the actual degree of physical or survival threat inherent in the event itself. Equipped with limited behavioral and cognitive coping capacities, the infant cannot gauge the actual degree of threat. Instead, primary experiences of threat in infancy include the threat of separation from the caregiver and the threat of having little caregiver response to the infant’s signals of distress.

Thus, the relevant traumas of infancy most often result from the “hidden traumas” of caregiver unavailablity and interactive dysregulation. These hidden traumas are woven into the fabric of interaction between caregiver and infant and do not necessarily stand out as salient events to the observer. Physiologic evidence reviewed later reveals that these more subtle traumatic events during infancy engender physiologic consequences similar to threat events salient for older children and adults. Hidden traumas of infancy seem to contribute to the early hyper- or hyporegulation of stress responses mediated through the limbic hypothalamic-pituitary- adrenocortical (LHPA) axis.

There are some fancy words there but the key is understanding that we are vulnerable as infants and small children to "hidden traumas" when our mothers are not up to the task of attending to our very real human needs. The way I put it is that what my mother did to me in the crib set me up for a lifetime of suffering, including the sexual abuse that happened when I was from age 3 to 7. Your mother didn't protect you from your brother but she may have been responsible for other harms you don't remember or understand. But it sounds as though she was NOT a good mother to you.
 
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