Still Embarrassed

Thank you for your comment. Not sure it’s strength or fear that has kept me away.
Its definitely courage. Cutting ties is tough even when abuse is involved. For example many women won't leave an abusive husband. You got your chance and took it. Its a sad story though. As some will say "don't let the bastards get you down".
 

Robert1000

Registrant
Hey RL,

You're in the right place. Humiliation and embarrassment are tools of the abusers, and I think also survival mechanisms for ourselves. We think that if we're bad, that explains why bad things happened to us. The truth is that the people who did this to us did it for their own reasons, and because they could. That's as simple as it sounds: They could. The sexual assault that happened to me happened before puberty. I didn't know what orgasms were. I wasn't old enough to masturbate for another two years, believe me when I say I still had plenty of shame and self-blame.

One thing that I recognize in your retelling is the idea that someone objectified you. That sad young woman got something from you with her power over you. She gained her power by objectifying you, and with classic abusers' manipulation. The abuser who hurt me said the same thing. He said it was my fault. He also said it was what people did. I didn't know what to do with the feelings I had, all I knew was it was wrong. It hurt. I didn't like it.

To me, therapy is the key. EMDR helped. A LOT. So much of my abuse was seemingly stored in my body in different places. I could get triggered so easily, and basically be out of control. I did things but didn't understand why, often when I desperately DIDN'T want to do them. I would be, in my mind, begging myself not to do something even as I did it.

Also, medication. Anti-anxiety medication was huge. I take sertraline daily, which is an enormous blessing. I also have clonozapam for occasions when anxiety is just out of control. It basically knocks me out, which is exactly what I need at times.

I've learned how to have healthier high boundaries in some areas of my life, and to lower barriers having to do with honoring my feelings and communicating about myself and my life in other parts of my life.

Don't get me wrong. My work is far from done. But I am in a better place in my life.

Good luck, and God bless you. This is an organization of people who would never choose to be here. And yet we are here, and we are good to each other. I hope you find peace and happiness, and I hope it keeps getting better.

Bob
 

RL13000

Registrant
Hey RL,

You're in the right place. Humiliation and embarrassment are tools of the abusers, and I think also survival mechanisms for ourselves. We think that if we're bad, that explains why bad things happened to us. The truth is that the people who did this to us did it for their own reasons, and because they could. That's as simple as it sounds: They could. The sexual assault that happened to me happened before puberty. I didn't know what orgasms were. I wasn't old enough to masturbate for another two years, believe me when I say I still had plenty of shame and self-blame.

One thing that I recognize in your retelling is the idea that someone objectified you. That sad young woman got something from you with her power over you. She gained her power by objectifying you, and with classic abusers' manipulation. The abuser who hurt me said the same thing. He said it was my fault. He also said it was what people did. I didn't know what to do with the feelings I had, all I knew was it was wrong. It hurt. I didn't like it.

To me, therapy is the key. EMDR helped. A LOT. So much of my abuse was seemingly stored in my body in different places. I could get triggered so easily, and basically be out of control. I did things but didn't understand why, often when I desperately DIDN'T want to do them. I would be, in my mind, begging myself not to do something even as I did it.

Also, medication. Anti-anxiety medication was huge. I take sertraline daily, which is an enormous blessing. I also have clonozapam for occasions when anxiety is just out of control. It basically knocks me out, which is exactly what I need at times.

I've learned how to have healthier high boundaries in some areas of my life, and to lower barriers having to do with honoring my feelings and communicating about myself and my life in other parts of my life.

Don't get me wrong. My work is far from done. But I am in a better place in my life.

Good luck, and God bless you. This is an organization of people who would never choose to be here. And yet we are here, and we are good to each other. I hope you find peace and happiness, and I hope it keeps getting better.

Bob
Thank you Bob! You have articulated my feelings so well. It sounds like you are recovering! Well done and it gives me hope at least.
 
(and celibate)

She and her mom were involved and eventually brought my mom into it.

RL13000 as we are both celibate how do you deal with friends who want to know why you are not dating? This is a nightmare question for me. I could just say anything but after X years of saying the same thing I feel like everyone knows I'm lying they just don't know why. I dread that question and it really fills me with humiliation when I have to answer no matter what I say. I'm also curious if I may ask, you said her mom and your mom were brought in to it. Do you mean you were abused by all three? I feel a bit of an outsider in that so many guys on here have been married or were overly sexually active while I went the opposite direction. I know some guys have become celibate but that's not the same. If I may use this metaphor, its like when you tell an ex drunk that you never drank and the drunk tells you they understand because they don't drink anymore. I feel less of a man sexually and its depressing and frustrating.
 

RL13000

Registrant
RL13000 as we are both celibate how do you deal with friends who want to know why you are not dating? This is a nightmare question for me. I could just say anything but after X years of saying the same thing I feel like everyone knows I'm lying they just don't know why. I dread that question and it really fills me with humiliation when I have to answer no matter what I say. I'm also curious if I may ask, you said her mom and your mom were brought in to it. Do you mean you were abused by all three? I feel a bit of an outsider in that so many guys on here have been married or were overly sexually active while I went the opposite direction. I know some guys have become celibate but that's not the same. If I may use this metaphor, its like when you tell an ex drunk that you never drank and the drunk tells you they understand because they don't drink anymore. I feel less of a man sexually and its depressing and frustrating.

Hello Random,

It is such a challenge when I am asked about dating. I have one close
friend who is recently engaged to be married and he is forever trying to
set me up with someone. He is a kind soul and he means well but he has no
idea how uncomfortable it makes me. I just repeat my mantra that I am not
ready to meet anyone at this time. I believe he is starting to get
suspicious that 'something' is up with me but he is too polite to ask.

I recently left a warehouse job where the guys were always going out and
dragging me along. For a lot of these guys, the object of every saturday
night was to 'get laid'. I'd sit in the back and nurse a club soda. Mostly
they'd let me be but sometimes they would ride me about being so quiet. A
few obnoxious ones would question my manhood and such. I've learned to
ignore these attacks but that doesn't mean I'm immune to the pain.

I left that job and have been working in the accounting department of a
cosmetic company. The great thing about this job is that 90% of my
co-workers are female. Since I am quiet and polite, I am rarely questioned
about going out and meeting anyone. But its a double edged sword as on
occasion a woman will ask me to lunch. I will go so long as its not one on
one, lest anyone get the wrong idea.

The actual physical abuse was from the girl Lisa who came to live with my
mom and I. She along with her mother Claire moved in with us. I consider
the abuse from all 3 because my mom knew about it and did not stop it. I
later found out that she not only knew, but condoned it. I heard her
talking to Claire on more than one occasion that I 'deserved' what was
happening to me. I also know that she and Claire watched it on
several occasions. I blame Claire because I am confident that she taught
Lisa how to abuse me. Lisa told me that Claire taught her about
masturbation and insisted she do it daily from an inappropriate young age
of 6 or 7 years old. I know that makes Lisa a victim too but I've never
been able to accept seeing her that way. Yes, she was taught but the entire
time I was with her, she knew exactly what she was doing and the effect it
was having on me. She seemed to enjoy it very much.

I am very much an outsider, yes. I don't have an answer for any of it. I
feel weak and ashamed. I do know that talking about it here helps. I can
almost imagine talking to someone in person, someone who understands and
who would love me and be patient with me and help me overcome my fears of
sexual activity. Almost.

RL
 
I am very much an outsider, yes. I don't have an answer for any of it. I
feel weak and ashamed. I do know that talking about it here helps. I can
almost imagine talking to someone in person, someone who understands and
who would love me and be patient with me and help me overcome my fears of
sexual activity. Almost.
I'm glad to hear at least the two women did not also directly abuse you but yea they certainly drove it. What a messed up relationship that mom and daughter had that she would teach her daughter that stuff. At my job I worked with a few guys who hit puberty in the early 70s. All they talk about is all the free love they got starting in early high school and beyond. I hit puberty post abuse and with the start of the AIDs outbreak. Have sex and die. Throw in gay feelings on top of it, a total shit storm. I had one friend who would sometimes make fun of me in front of random women when we were out. He would tell them I'm going to be priest (referring to my never dating). I should have said at least I'm not fucking hookers (he was). But I didn't do that. Our friendship did not last. He did serve one useful purpose. When I decided to tell my guy friends that I thought I was gay I told him first because I knew he would tell everyone, which he did. Made my job simpler. Funny some of my friends told me that they were mad at him for telling everyone but I told them not to worry that was my intention. I wanted him to tell everyone. A few times female coworkers have tried setting me up but they didn't ask first. We would meet out as a group and then one of them would tell me she was trying to set me up with the woman sitting next to me who I had never met before. That's like the worst thing for me. It causes major anxiety and fear and I have not control of the situation. Suddenly my fun night out turned into a nightmare. I'm 55 and you sound a lot younger so hopefully you can work thru these issues a lot sooner than I did. Well my issues are no where near fixed. I have thought about how great it would be to find a woman who would be understanding but honestly can you really drop a bomb like abuse and fear of intimacy on a woman (or guy) when you've only just met? I'm a germaphobe and even so I wish prostitution were legal here and I had access to expensive ladies. That might at least let me get started. When you are paying it doesn't matter to them if you are a train wreck. I've even thought about going to Amsterdam but honestly just don't know anything about their red light district or how it works. I've looked online but just don't feel comfortable with the idea flying so far and not knowing what's going to happen. Ok that's enough for now. take care.
 

RL13000

Registrant
I'm glad to hear at least the two women did not also directly abuse you but yea they certainly drove it. What a messed up relationship that mom and daughter had that she would teach her daughter that stuff. At my job I worked with a few guys who hit puberty in the early 70s. All they talk about is all the free love they got starting in early high school and beyond. I hit puberty post abuse and with the start of the AIDs outbreak. Have sex and die. Throw in gay feelings on top of it, a total shit storm. I had one friend who would sometimes make fun of me in front of random women when we were out. He would tell them I'm going to be priest (referring to my never dating). I should have said at least I'm not fucking hookers (he was). But I didn't do that. Our friendship did not last. He did serve one useful purpose. When I decided to tell my guy friends that I thought I was gay I told him first because I knew he would tell everyone, which he did. Made my job simpler. Funny some of my friends told me that they were mad at him for telling everyone but I told them not to worry that was my intention. I wanted him to tell everyone. A few times female coworkers have tried setting me up but they didn't ask first. We would meet out as a group and then one of them would tell me she was trying to set me up with the woman sitting next to me who I had never met before. That's like the worst thing for me. It causes major anxiety and fear and I have not control of the situation. Suddenly my fun night out turned into a nightmare. I'm 55 and you sound a lot younger so hopefully you can work thru these issues a lot sooner than I did. Well my issues are no where near fixed. I have thought about how great it would be to find a woman who would be understanding but honestly can you really drop a bomb like abuse and fear of intimacy on a woman (or guy) when you've only just met? I'm a germaphobe and even so I wish prostitution were legal here and I had access to expensive ladies. That might at least let me get started. When you are paying it doesn't matter to them if you are a train wreck. I've even thought about going to Amsterdam but honestly just don't know anything about their red light district or how it works. I've looked online but just don't feel comfortable with the idea flying so far and not knowing what's going to happen. Ok that's enough for now. take care.
You’re a brave man Random dealing with all of this. I didn’t realize your abuse started pre puberty. Mine did as well but only by weeks. I think it only added to my shame and confusion. It was several weeks AFTER before I even started to think it was wrong. I just thought it was something I didn’t want. Ugh!

Yes, I’m younger. 25 here.

I want to thank you for talking about the anxiety of being with a woman. I have at times been with a woman and felt real attraction and it just terrifies me. I am immediately triggered to my abuse. like I literally lose the ability to even speak with her. It’s so embarrassing and I’ve made her feel so uncomfortable which I feel awful about. To me, b ing with a woman sexually is not even a thought. I want to be able to talk with a woman I like! Just talk.
I have considered paying as well. My problem is my sexual fantasies mirror my abuse. So I’m both aroused and frightened at the same time. I’ve thought of exploring it (shockingly or maybe not so shockingly there are women in nyc who will abuse you for money). But I cannot imagine myself actually doing that.

i am glad we’ve connected. This is the most progress I’ve made I think since I first left home! So than you for that!
RL
 
I didn’t realize your abuse started pre puberty. Mine did as well but only by weeks. I think it only added to my shame and confusion.

i am glad we’ve connected. This is the most progress I’ve made I think since I first left home! So than you for that!
RL
My abuse started when I was about 4. It went on for some period of time perhaps a 2 years not really sure. It was my older brother. Trigger warning: he would make me play games where I would be forced to kiss his genitals and ass. When we would fight (which was often) he would go in my room and force me to watch as he pissed all over my only pillow. I can still feel the feelings of shame, fear, and humiliation that I felt back then as it happened.

Its nice to talk with someone who is in the same boat as me regarding celibacy etc. Of the many bad memories of trying to date this one takes the cake: In college I was invited to a sorority dance. I didn't know the girl but her roommate was in all my classes (we were both physics majors). I said yes not realizing that she asked me because she was attracted to me. My self-esteem was so low I never considered that she might like me. I figured her friend said I'd be fun. We rode with another couple to the dance. On the way home we were in the backseat. Out of the blue she took my hand and started massaging it. It caught me completely off guard. I literally broke down inside. I was filled with fear and anxiety. I just wanted to jump out of the car. I'm cringing right now thinking about this moment. Its truly a horrible memory for me. I could not understand why. Every other guy I knew would be excited that their date wanted to hookup. I just wanted to die. I feel bad for her. I dropped her off at her room and ran. She had no idea what happened. Hell I didn't understand what just happened. But that's dating in a nutshell for me. I don't have a problem being friends with women/men but throw in potential intimacy I'm find myself running for the door. I'm also very good at sabotaging myself when it comes to trying to date. I can find a thousand reasons to not ask someone out etc. I can never think of a good reason to ask them out. Other than my therapist this is the only place I can talk about it. Feel free to chat with me. As I said its nice to have someone who is suffering the same after effects of the trauma.
 
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RL13000 I wanted to add a bit of advice. So I started coming to terms with my abuse around 26. I started therapy but did not stick with it because I moved out of state. I failed to realize just how messed up I was. I just kept figuring I would just meet that someone and things would work out. But year after year of things not changing I ended up where I am now. I did do therapy a number of times of the years but for some reason I didn't come to fully understand all the damage that had been done to me until this past year. For example the story I told in my previous post about the date, I never connected that with m abuse. I just thought I was well a loser. I never realized I had a total fear of intimacy because of the abuse. Now I do. So I wanted to say don't think you will just work it out on your own. You could end up getting stuck in the endless cycle I have been in. Now I'm in my 50s an feel my life has been wasted and lost. It really haunts me.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
RL13000 Thanks for telling your story, You are brave, you have come to the right place. Read the stories, talk to the people here. You do need a therapist and I sure you find the right one to talk to . in the mean time talk to us. Once you comfortable with us you be able to talk better with a therapist. make sure you read the story "The baby Sitter" Its one of many abuses that happened to me but the only one where a female abused me when I was 9 repeatedly. I not sure where in the US you live but some of us are trying to get together an in person group start in the northeast NY/CT boarder. If not close that's ok I am always willing to talk in a chat room or are many of us. Welcome to the group.
 

RL13000

Registrant
My abuse started when I was about 4. It went on for some period of time perhaps a 2 years not really sure. It was my older brother. Trigger warning: he would make me play games where I would be forced to kiss his genitals and ass. When we would fight (which was often) he would go in my room and force me to watch as he pissed all over my only pillow. I can still feel the feelings of shame, fear, and humiliation that I felt back then as it happened.

Its nice to talk with someone who is in the same boat as me regarding celibacy etc. Of the many bad memories of trying to date this one takes the cake: In college I was invited to a sorority dance. I didn't know the girl but her roommate was in all my classes (we were both physics majors). I said yes not realizing that she asked me because she was attracted to me. My self-esteem was so low I never considered that she might like me. I figured her friend said I'd be fun. We rode with another couple to the dance. On the way home we were in the backseat. Out of the blue she took my hand and started massaging it. It caught me completely off guard. I literally broke down inside. I was filled with fear and anxiety. I just wanted to jump out of the car. I'm cringing right now thinking about this moment. Its truly a horrible memory for me. I could not understand why. Every other guy I knew would be excited that their date wanted to hookup. I just wanted to die. I feel bad for her. I dropped her off at her room and ran. She had no idea what happened. Hell I didn't understand what just happened. But that's dating in a nutshell for me. I don't have a problem being friends with women/men but throw in potential intimacy I'm find myself running for the door. I'm also very good at sabotaging myself when it comes to trying to date. I can find a thousand reasons to not ask someone out etc. I can never think of a good reason to ask them out. Other than my therapist this is the only place I can talk about it. Feel free to chat with me. As I said its nice to have someone who is suffering the same after effects of the trauma.
Hello Random,

thank you for sharing. I am so sorry about your brother. What an awful thing. May I ask, did you have a relationship with him as you got older? Is he in your life?

My step sister has been reaching out to me. I’ve ignored her so far as I have my mother. They both seem to want me in their lives and I don’t know why or what I should do about it.

your story of dating sounded so familiar. I am almost exactly the same. Friendships are fine. Intimacy is terrifying. I had such a similar experience that you described. Last summer, my friend and his gf invited me to the beach with his gf’s younger sister. She was maybe 2 years younger than us so 22 at the time. She was gorgeous and any guy would love to be in a date with her. At the beach, several guys way better looking than me tried flirting with her and she politely told them she was with someone. Many looked over at me and snickered. I was embarrassed but also pretty proud that this girl was being so kind to me when she clearly had better options.

I just assumed she was being polite. I never imagined she was attracted to me. Like you, I never imagine I could be desired by anyone! Anyway, on the way home, we are in the back seat and she puts her hand on my leg, my upper thigh. I still don’t know if it was a sexual move or she just put her hand there to be comfortable. Unfortunately, she was sitting close and her hand felt nice and I became aroused. I was immediately triggered to my abuse. I shifted and rocked and basically had a fit in the car. My friend pulled over and I jumped out and vomited on the side of the road. Needless to say that was enough to end any possible connection. I cried that night. I had an opportunity with a beautiful woman and could not even make it to a kiss!

That was almost a year ago and I haven’t really gone through that day in a while. Thank you for letting me share.

RL
 
Thank you for sharing so honestly about your experience. Yes, these reactions are all rooted in the trauma and as RN notes, these issues won't resolve themselves on their own. I know... I've been married and divorced four times... always hoping that with the right woman my problems with intimacy would go away... they didn't! Please find a good therapist, one well trained in working with sexual trauma who can help you unpack these memories and find release. All we've ever wanted to do is feel safe and feel connected with the people in our lives. That didn't happen for us when we were young... we were used and felt shamed by it all. We're trying to find the way back to connection and safety. Those things have to be priorities in our lives and sadly, we're often beginning from scratch because both of those things were lost to us through the trauma. We can tell the truth here and will be supported. We all know about this pain. That can be the support we need to begin making changes in our lives. Working with a therapist gives us the opportunity to feel safety and connection first hand. From there we can begin to experiment with it in the rest of our lives... always mindful that spending time with those with whom we don't feel safe, is a mistake. You're doing important work here... we all are. This is what our healing journey looks like at the moment. I'm glad you found us and took the initiative to share your experience RL.
 
May I ask, did you have a relationship with him as you got older? Is he in your life?

My step sister has been reaching out to me. I’ve ignored her so far as I have my mother. They both seem to want me in their lives and I don’t know why or what I should do about it.
Yes I still have a relationship with him. We went to the same high school and college but we had separate friends for the most part which is expected when there is a 2 year age gap. Once the abuse stopped things just normalized. I didn't realize I was being abused so it did not cause a rift early on. I knew when the abuse was happening I didn't want it and I felt horrible but was not old enough to think further. We now live across the country from each other so I only see him 2x a year. We never speak by phone but do occasionally share emails. I have 4 siblings and since we all get together for holidays I'm really never alone with him. There is a barrier there but I don't know if it just me or if its both of us. I think its less of an issue for me because we were so young. He didn't know what he was doing. If he had been a teenager that would be a different story.
Wow sorry about your bad date. Yikes. God if my date had put her hand on my thigh I think I would have actually had a heart attack. Just grabbing my hand was bad enough. It sucks because women want you to be assertive but its so difficult for us to be comfortable enough to do it. They have no idea how much we are struggling to just be present. Its painful to look back at all the missed opportunity's caused by my fear of intimacy. That's why I want to encourage you to really deal with it now. It won't get better on its own. I learned that the hard way.

Post college I had another unexpected encounter. I was working for a small electronics company. The owner hired a friend to audit the books. One evening i was working late and I thought I was the only one still in the office. She came into my office and asked to talk. So went out into the common area to sit. She then literally just grabbed my crotch and was trying to hook up. There was no warning, no indication prior to this. I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I froze and was filled with total panic. I couldn't speak to tell her no. I couldn't move. fortunately she got the idea that I was not enjoying myself and backed off. Being the bosses friend I was not going to say anything. At the time I didn't understand my reaction. I couldn't figure what was wrong with me.

Regarding you mom and step sisters those are good topics for your therapist. Being an outsider I think its best to avoid your step sister. She might want to just talk and hangout or she might try something sexual with you. There is no way to know. I have read enough stories of victims who some years later went back to talk with their abusers only to have the abuser tell them that they had come back for more abuse and then attack them. Maybe after 10 years of therapy you might be able to handle it. I can't imagine any good would come of it at this point. Mom is a trickier. Is she still dating your step sister's mom? If she is I don't see how that would work out in a good way for you. That's three against one. You clearly have a lot of pain and issues you need to address before you put yourself into such a stressful and possible dangerous situation. For me I know my brother is not going to do anything to me. He hasn't since early grade school. Your abusers are a different story. Sorry you are in such a shitty situation.
 

RL13000

Registrant
I believe you are right. I don’t see anything good coming from meeting with my step sister. I’m worried that I feel compelled to respond to her though. I find that I still follow her in social media and I get angry at myself for doing so.

May mom is still with my step sister’s mom. I know much less about her as she does not share much of her life online. I’m still angry with her. I don’t think anything good would come from a meeting. But even with that, she is the only family I have.

Your interaction with the auditor could have come right out of a nightmare I have regularly. I’m very glad that she stopped at some point But I’m sorry you had to go through that.

A physical attack is something I fear greatly all the time.

I’ll definitely consider your words. As always, your thoughts and candor are extremely helpful.

RL
 
I don’t see anything good coming from meeting with my step sister. I’m worried that I feel compelled to respond to her though. I find that I still follow her in social media and I get angry at myself for doing so.
RL13000 I hope things are good with you. I'm visiting family right now which is both fun and very stressful too. Does your step sister call you or just ping you online? Online is much easier to ignore at least for me. Social media is a double edge sword for sure. Its worse when you see the abuser being happy. Anyhow hope you had a great 4th.
 

RL13000

Registrant
RL13000 I hope things are good with you. I'm visiting family right now which is both fun and very stressful too. Does your step sister call you or just ping you online? Online is much easier to ignore at least for me. Social media is a double edge sword for sure. Its worse when you see the abuser being happy. Anyhow hope you had a great 4th.
Hi Random, I’m doing ok. Hope you are managing with the family visit.
Lisa has been texting me only. There have been several texts. I responded to a couple with very basic non specific responses. I know she will continue to text me until I give her a more complete response. I have thought of blocking her but I don’t want to be afraid of her even though I am if that makes any sense.
I do follow her in social and it bothers me a great deal. I don’t know why I do it because it upsets me to see how well she is doing. I followed her all through college and since. She graduated recently from a top school and is working in the city. She posts photos of herself either out with friends or in the gym. She has a bf that seems serious but who knows. You can’t really know anything in social. It does upset me to think she has a happy life and healthy relationships. That she is thriving while I am a mess is very depressing. Does she even understand what she did to me? Does she care? This is what I long to ask her.
 
Remember RL that comparing your insides to someone else's outsides is never a useful thing to do. The only way to heal from the horror of trauma is through self-compassion AND self-care. Following a woman who contributed to your suffering is never going to support you in doing either. Letting her go might help you on your healing journey. This is what we're all here to do.
 
I do follow her in social and it bothers me a great deal.
Honestly your best bet is to stop following her. It is not helping you. In the future you can always re-follow her again if the need comes up. As visitor said, don't judge by how she looks on the outside. She also had some messed up upbringing and god knows what haunts her. If you ask people who know me they would say I'm a happy go lucky guy who loves adventure. None would say that I suffer from constant depression and anxiety. If I ever take the suicide path I know people will be shocked because I come off as such a happy person. I'm a good actor.
 

RL13000

Registrant
Honestly your best bet is to stop following her. It is not helping you. In the future you can always re-follow her again if the need comes up. As visitor said, don't judge by how she looks on the outside. She also had some messed up upbringing and god knows what haunts her. If you ask people who know me they would say I'm a happy go lucky guy who loves adventure. None would say that I suffer from constant depression and anxiety. If I ever take the suicide path I know people will be shocked because I come off as such a happy person. I'm a good actor.
Good advice and don’t even talk about a s… path. You are too strong and good Random. Know that you have helped me tremendously!
 
Know that you have helped me tremendously!
Glad to know I'm helping. My hope is that you have a much speedier recovery than I did. At 25 you have plenty of time to get your personal life back on track. I wasted a lot of time...years. A place like this would have helped me a lot. Its helping me now. I got to admit when you wrote "s...path" it took me about 10 mins to realize what you were talking about. LOL. I can be slow at times. Of course its not a funny topic (S) but its been such a part of my life that I have to talk about it.
 
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