Still Embarrassed

RL13000

Registrant
Hello to all. Amazing site and the courage shown here! I’d like to tell some of my story. It may trigger especially if you’ve had female abuse and parental abuse.

I am a survivor and still struggle daily. My abuse began when I was 11. My abuser was female and she lived with me. She and her mom moved in with my mom and I soon after my parents divorce.

she was kind and smart and funny and pretty. I was shy and introverted and when this girl paid attention to me I was enraptured.

I did not even know it had started. She would wrestle me and rub against me until I was hard. She seemed to like this so I didn’t try and stop it. She then went from rubbing to touching and masturbsting me. I knew so little about sex. The conflicting part was how good it felt physically and how much it hurt mentally. Does everyone suffer that dynamic?

when I began to orgasm, I asked her to stop but she told me if I didn’t want it, it would not have happened. She was very physical and assertive and kept doing it. I did not even understand I was being abused until much later.

I could not stop her. She’d come into my room when ever she wanted and I’d be unable to stop her. Physically and mentally unable. I still don’t know if one dictated the other.

I was too embarrassed to tell my mom but after many months I knew I had too. But sadly, my mom knew!! She’d seen us. And she never stopped it.

that was when I understood it was abuse. The worst kind of betrayal.

I stayed at home less and less. Sleeping at friends house or out in our yard in a tent. Anything to avoid it.

sadly, it did not end until I went to college. I have never gone back home and never will.

my humiliation though, is still with me.
 
hi RL 13000

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what you when through to need a place like this. When I first join here I thought sexual abuse happened by men being the perpetrators. Now I am starting to understand there are a lot of men and young boys abused by women. Thanks for having the courage to reach out it was a good move on your part. You are not a lone in this. It takes a lot to get past Child Sexual Abuse, not impossible.
 
Males in society hear about women abusing boys and think that kid is lucky he is getting sex at such an age. They have no clue about the damage being done. I still find myself thinking this way when I read about an adult female who has sex with a minor. But I have to correct myself and remember this is going to really mess that kid up. I can't help but think at least with a female abuser you are not left dealing with issues of homosexuality. Am I gay or was it the abuse? I doubt I'll ever know what my true sexual orientation is.
 

EQCR

Registrant
First off, it was not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Second, sex happens between two consenting people, that was not sex. As a male victim of an older female (in my case my mother) the confusion and sense of betrayal about feeling good and wanting it to stop did far more long lasting harm (for me) than other aspects. I wanted her to feel good so I went along with the other stuff but I didn't like feeling good about any of it. I don't know if everyone feels that (The conflicting part was how good it felt physically and how much it hurt mentally. Does everyone suffer that dynamic?) but I did. Your mother's response was a different form of abuse and I am sorry you have to deal with that issue as well. I understand all to much what it feels like to have your mother betray you. My path to recovery started with a few (aborted) attempts at therapy, followed by a 12 step group, a men's group and (finally) therapy (after I opened up about my trust issues). I hope you are getting help and I know this is a good place to find others who can understand.
 

Chale

Registrant
Hello to all. Amazing site and the courage shown here! I’d like to tell some of my story. It may trigger especially if you’ve had female abuse and parental abuse.

I am a survivor and still struggle daily. My abuse began when I was 11. My abuser was female and she lived with me. She and her mom moved in with my mom and I soon after my parents divorce.

she was kind and smart and funny and pretty. I was shy and introverted and when this girl paid attention to me I was enraptured.

I did not even know it had started. She would wrestle me and rub against me until I was hard. She seemed to like this so I didn’t try and stop it. She then went from rubbing to touching and masturbsting me. I knew so little about sex. The conflicting part was how good it felt physically and how much it hurt mentally. Does everyone suffer that dynamic?

when I began to orgasm, I asked her to stop but she told me if I didn’t want it, it would not have happened. She was very physical and assertive and kept doing it. I did not even understand I was being abused until much later.

I could not stop her. She’d come into my room when ever she wanted and I’d be unable to stop her. Physically and mentally unable. I still don’t know if one dictated the other.

I was too embarrassed to tell my mom but after many months I knew I had too. But sadly, my mom knew!! She’d seen us. And she never stopped it.

that was when I understood it was abuse. The worst kind of betrayal.

I stayed at home less and less. Sleeping at friends house or out in our yard in a tent. Anything to avoid it.

sadly, it did not end until I went to college. I have never gone back home and never will.

my humiliation though, is still with me.
Thanks for sharing. yes the physical pleasure with the mental pain has messed me up all my life. it was a slow process to separate those things out and realize I actually was feeling immense fear, not desire or arousal. finally after years of therapy, 12 steps and long periods of celibacy I can start to see the *hope* of healthy sexuality. Not the reality, but the possibility. Reading stories here has helped allot.
 

RL13000

Registrant
Thanks for sharing. yes the physical pleasure with the mental pain has messed me up all my life. it was a slow process to separate those things out and realize I actually was feeling immense fear, not desire or arousal. finally after years of therapy, 12 steps and long periods of celibacy I can start to see the *hope* of healthy sexuality. Not the reality, but the possibility. Reading stories here has helped allot.
Thank you! Celibacy is something I’ve been living with as well. I want to get past it but I don’t know how. I know I need therapy but the thought of sitting and speaking to someone in person about this or about the details of this is terrifying. I have met with a a counselor at my college but can only get to I’ve suffered abuse before I clam up. It’s very difficult to say these things. Your words inspire me to keep trying though and I appreciate that.
 

ATR

Registrant
For me, abuse from my mother was the norm. It was a very different situation from yours, but your story does not sound strange to me and your reactions don't sound strange to me. I know the embarrassment and shame, and a whole lot of confusion. But we are survivors and we are not alone. Thank you for telling your story--it made me stronger and I hope it did the same for you.
 
Welcome RL. I am sorry for what happened, but it is true that you have no fault in this matter. The shame and embassasment belong to them. Still I understand how you feel. Keep talking cause we are here for you.
 
Thank you! Celibacy is something I’ve been living with as well. I want to get past it but I don’t know how. I know I need therapy but the thought of sitting and speaking to someone in person about this or about the details of this is terrifying.


I came to realize the only way out for me from flashbacks and intrusive thoughts only a few years ago. Sexual contact has been difficult for me since before I became 30 and my Hyper-sexual life ended. I stopped going out it was really difficult to no go out looking for sex. Now 35 years later and just a few years ago I decided that what I needed was to be completely celibate. It was hard for a long time, I had to really work on no MB and not to look at porn anymore. I feel better have fewer intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. I still slip every once in a while but life has gotten easier for me by having sex out of my life.
I would like to get past this as well , I have not given it a chance since the early 2000's and had a terrible panic attack. I have not been able to talk about sexual stuff to anyone in person. I have admitted it happen but not a lot more. Sexual conversations are to triggering for me, even with my wife and she was easy to talk with I could not have a conversation about sex of any kind.
 
I've lived most of my life "celibate" except for masturbation. I don't want to be celibate but my intimacy issues are so bad that its very hard for me to have any type of sex. I try to discuss my issues with my T on a higher level, a more sterile level. Often I don't even realize I have a problem until I read posts on here and realize I've been that way for most of my life. I do honestly feel that I will never get over any of my issues and have a real relationship. Its very depressing. My T tried to bring up dating but I just shut him down. I told him that after this many years of failing there was little chance of success. I don't want to delude myself into thinking I can be fixed. Maybe I'm less depressed, and have less anxiety but that's it. The therapy keeps me from killing myself. Sad to say but its true. RL13000 may I ask how much older was the girl?
 

RL13000

Registrant
I've lived most of my life "celibate" except for masturbation. I don't want to be celibate but my intimacy issues are so bad that its very hard for me to have any type of sex. I try to discuss my issues with my T on a higher level, a more sterile level. Often I don't even realize I have a problem until I read posts on here and realize I've been that way for most of my life. I do honestly feel that I will never get over any of my issues and have a real relationship. Its very depressing. My T tried to bring up dating but I just shut him down. I told him that after this many years of failing there was little chance of success. I don't want to delude myself into thinking I can be fixed. Maybe I'm less depressed, and have less anxiety but that's it. The therapy keeps me from killing myself. Sad to say but its true. RL13000 may I ask how much older was the girl?
Hello Random, I hope you are ok. It scares me when someone talks about killing themself. I do understand how you can get to that place. I have been sad and lonely (and celibate) and it’s hard to see a future with a partner. I haven’t gotten to the point of wanting to die though. I hope you have support because you are kind and brave and definitely deserve to live!

my abuser was close in age to me. Only a few months difference. Which is why it took me so long to even understand what was happening. I actually thought it was just playing (her term for it) and that it was normal. I feel pathetic for letting it happen. I should have been able to stop a girl. I eventually learned that she was taught by her mom and knew how to.. well, how to do it. She and her mom were involved and eventually brought my mom into it. It was all so twisted. I felt and often still feel like the worlds biggest loser. To be used like that. I don’t want to feel this way.
 
Thanks RL13000. Don't worry I am not at the point of killing myself. though I have tried twice in the past. I'm at a point in life where yes I think about it but not in a serious manner where I am planning it. Its just part of my depression coping mechanism. Its an escape in my mind weird as that may sound. I have not ruled it out in the future but is certainly not on my current lists of "to do's". I've actually made it past several milestones that I thought would be my time, including when all 4 of my siblings have gotten married and I'm the last one who also happens to be completely alone. Another milestone is when both of my parents pass. My mom died this past year but fortunately my dad is doing great for 87. Though I do give my self only a 40% chance of dying from natural causes. Being old and alone is not something I want to experience. And yes I have friends but that is not the same as being in a relationship.
 
When my grandmother heard that my stepfather took my hand and put it on his p**is, she said "Maybe that was his way of telling you, that you are the same as he is." Nothing else was ever said from my stepfather, mother, or grandmother ever again, they either minimized it, or denied, turning their head away.

So I get it, when people know what happened, and don't do anything, it's almost like they allowed the abuse to take place.

I'm so sorry, and hope that you can continue to leave them behind you, so you can heal.
 
I have never gone back home and never will.
This may be too personal but I was wondering did you never speak to your mother once you left for college? It does not sound like you had siblings. Are you in contact with any other family members (aunts, uncles, cousins)? Have you never attended any family functions since then? If so goes to show how bad the abuse really was. You were willing to give up "family" to escape it. That takes a strong person to do.
 
The only person I'm still in touch with is my mother.
I realize that was a mistake, to go back, but I thought things would have changed, but they didn't, and for the last 20 years she's lived with me.

I apologize, cause what I meant is for order for us to heal, we have to leave them behind, I didn't and I can see that cause of that I was never really healed, or been able even to get the help, therapy I needed.

Again I apologize for that statement.
 

RL13000

Registrant
This may be too personal but I was wondering did you never speak to your mother once you left for college? It does not sound like you had siblings. Are you in contact with any other family members (aunts, uncles, cousins)? Have you never attended any family functions since then? If so goes to show how bad the abuse really was. You were willing to give up "family" to escape it. That takes a strong person to do.
I’ve spoken to my mom a few times since I left for college. Phone only, never in person. I considered going to see her after I graduated but she was still living with her partner. I decided seeing them both would be too much. My dad (and his family) pulled away after the divorce so haven’t seen them. Mom had a sister but she lives over seas (I am in the US). My ‘step sister’ reaches out to me. I still can’t believe that as she was the perpetrator of my abuse. She is married now and I cannot even imagine what she wants.

Thank you for your comment. Not sure it’s strength or fear that has kept me away.
 
I found my new family, when I started going to church, there are people who don't understand, but many do, and over the years (32) that has been my family.

I find many times when you take something away, it's much better to replace it with something.
 
Top