Steps and behaviors during healing

[ConfusedHubby]

I’m wondering if any spouses out there would share what their spouses behaviors were like once they actually started therapy and dealing with their trauma.

My spouse has talked about the trauma very high level over the years — only divulging that he had been molested by his step father who had sex with him when he was a preteen / teen and that he started drinking and using drugs young. The best I can figure is that the abuse went on a long time. He said he was afraid to tell anyone because it would mean he and his mom and sister would be out on the street if anything happened to the stepdad.

Initially he told me he went to therapy and dealt with it. But he has always struggled with intimacy and sex. A couples therapist told me he hasn’t dealt with it otherwise he’d be having fewer issues with it.

In recent years things have gotten worse and he has no desire to have sex… loves porn and masterbates daily… rebuffs any effort to hug, kiss, hold hands or have sex.

He started therapy recently after a few years away from it stating he didn’t need it. For whatever reason he started therapy a few weeks ago and his behavior is better and worse in different ways. I’m wondering if anyone (spouse or survivor) could share with me what behaviors to expect and why…. He seems to be more interested in our marriage but less interested in intimacy of any type. He huffs and acts annoyed at me when I try to hold his hand or hug or touch him. Always had issues with touch and closeness but it’s worse now.

A year ago he told me he wanted us to get back to where we were a few years ago… but here we are and he seems less interested in that. He won’t tell me what’s going on with him. He was in tears yesterday when I asked him to hug me and kiss me — when I urged him to talk he simply told me he has someone to talk to — I’m assuming that’s his therapist — which i’m grateful for — I’m so glad he’s getting help.

I just wish i knew what to expect and what is going on with him. While it feels like he has no interest in me and for the past couple of years I’ve felt like he didn’t want to be married to me anymore and was just trying to figure out how to get out, he acts like he wants to be with me even though he pushes me away.

What’s going on? What should I expect and is this a normal part of the process? Has anyone successfully seen their man make it through and what did it mean for your marriage?

Thanks for anything you can share.

 

[kwawk]

What’s going on? What should I expect and is this a normal part of the process?

@ConfusedHubby - Friend, just some thoughts in response to the questions you put forth:

My apologies if this sounds discouraging, as I also mean to offer you encouragement for your marriage. Such questions as you put forth are unanswerable. Thinking that there is such a thing as 'the process' is fraught with misperception of the world your husband is living in (i.e. the injuries from overwhelming traumatic experiences). Every individual has their own version of fucked-uppedness, in the combination of circumstances of their trauma, resources available to them for the mind to create some sense of survivability, and the dysfunctional manifestations of the fallout from traumatic injuries in their lives moving forward. There may be some similar patterns and conventional paths some people in this whacked-out world of 'recovery' (or 'survivorship', or whatever TF it can be called) that they take in effort to 'heal', but there are no outcomes that can be reliably predicted.
It is human nature to have expectations and a desire to see 'positive results', as we also experience disappointment and frustration-
BUT -
sometimes something emerges that can be satisfying in ways that were never expected, which create a strong bridge between the two people in the relationship.
That's the encouraging part. If you can keep yourself grounded and healthy, and open to recognize opportunities to connect with your husband, that may be the biggest solid you can do yourself and him and your family.

One practical example of an approach to consider (probably a variation on what you're already doing) is to expressly challenge your husband to show some regular demonstration of his commitment to YOU (that does not directly involve your kids). He may be able to communicate his love and appreciation for you in ways you wouldn't expect, if you are open to receive this. Whatever the future may hold for the logistics of your relationship, you are integral to each other's lives for the long haul, however that looks. Prioritizing your marriage and his commitment to you is one of the most important things he can do to invest in the health and security of your kids.
It is more than fair to him for you to let him know that you need 'something' from him, to show that he values the commitment you have to each other; but he will have the power over what those 'somethings' are on a regular basis.
Again, just some thoughts and perspective, from someone who's been on both ends of a dilemma you describe. Good luck, hermano.

 

[MO-Survivor]

@ConfusedHubby,

A few thoughts for you in response to your post and questions:

A couples therapist told me he hasn’t dealt with it otherwise he’d be having fewer issues with it.

This statement irked me, quite honestly (the therapist's statement - not your retelling of it). This sounds like a classic Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) who believes the answer to everything is to understand triggers, thoughts, and subsequent behaviors and then implement things to modify the thoughts and behaviors - while ignoring the significance of the triggers and why things are actually triggering to begin with (ignoring the trauma).

Trauma therapy - and especially male sexual abuse therapy - is a long road. Healing takes a lot of time, effort, and extreme vulnerability. This doesn't happen in a session or two, or even months of therapy. He can't just "deal with it," in the words of your couples therapist. That said, "progress" and healing are possible, but often looks like a step forward and seemingly two steps back.

The "two steps back" can be somewhat misleading, however. A typical trauma response in children and teens is to suppress the trauma: repress the memories, thoughts, and emotions associated with it. Why? Because kids and teens are prohibited from talking about the abuse - for any number of reasons. At the same time, kids and teens want to be "normal," and develop like their peers. Unconsciously, we develop coping mechanisms to do this: to survive and succeed at the "normal" things in life. Coping techniques can include: repression, avoidance of sex and sexual situations, shutting down emotionally, coping with the horrible emotions that inevitably "leak" through (even though we attempt to repress them) by turning to masturbation, alcohol, drugs, etc.

Now, take an adult man who has built all of these coping skills and avoided addressing all this trauma and stuffed it all in a box inside themselves. Your guy is now opening up that box he closed up inside himself - with a therapist - and what you see in him looks like a regression instead of healing. Because the full force of those emotions that were hidden are overwhelming him. The shame that was held at bay has a newfound strength. Feelings of loss of control have come back like a tsunami. Anger is probably a part of his every response - especially toward those like you who hold an intimate place with him. This is all very confusing for family and significant others to see. "It seems like you are getting worse instead of better." And yes - we must get "worse" before we can get better. Because all of the shit of the past has to be brought forward to be dealt with and it's very, very painful.

Initially he told me he went to therapy and dealt with it.

Again... lose this thinking. I know he might have expressed things in these terms - using terms of finality and putting things in the past. But this is a lifelong journey of healing. It won't always be this intense or painful. But there will always be the potential for things to surface throughout his whole life that cause unexpected (usually undesireable) responses in him. And ignoring / hiding those things just doesn't work.

In recent years things have gotten worse and he has no desire to have sex… loves porn and masterbates daily… rebuffs any effort to hug, kiss, hold hands or have sex.

This is common, too. And it is understandably very hard for you to understand. Why would going to therapy - which is supposed to make him "better" - cause him to withdraw from affection, touching, sex, and even non-sexual intimacy? Because before - he held all of this in that box that was closed and stored away inside him. Now the box is open, and he has a lot of things to process through before he will be willing to step into physical touch. He must process through: fear of sex, fear of touch that might lead to sex, trauma re-enactment, intrusive thoughts of the abuse that he is both drawn to and hates at the same time, and much more. But just know that he can both love and trust you while at the same time (mostly unconsciously) see you as a threat to his safety. It is really hard not to take this personally - because it affects you. Just know though - that the negative feelings and expressions are not about you.

A good saying is this: sometimes there really are things in your significant other that is just his thing and has nothing to do with you. However, it still directly impacts you in a big way - even though it's not about you.

He seems to be more interested in our marriage but less interested in intimacy of any type. He huffs and acts annoyed at me when I try to hold his hand or hug or touch him. Always had issues with touch and closeness but it’s worse now.

As boys who lived through sexual abuse, we were powerless and were controlled by someone else. Some of us found that we lost our will; what we wanted and didn't want - didn't matter. Therefore, a guiding principle in helping survivors is that they need to be "in charge." They need to lead - especially in the area of intimacy - until they are healed (years down the road) to a point where they are willing to let someone else initiate and lead.

This is not fair to you. There is nothing fair about it. You have desires and needs of your own that are legitimate and expected in a loving relationship. But if you want this to work, the hard truth is - you have to let him lead. If this makes you angry, direct your anger at his abuser who has now inserted himself into your all's relationship (even though the abuse was in the past). @kwawk had a great suggestion in having a conversation about what is he okay with in terms of touch and in terms of you initiating things. Communication is key throughout this process. If you don't talk through some of these things, your relationship will fail.

As I implied, he can get to a place where things can become more mutual again. But pushing and coming across as wanting to force him into something physical (even though it's not sex) - feels to him just like the abuse did. Since he has direct access to those childhood feelings now - he is going to react with fear, anger, and with what feels to you like rejection.

He won’t tell me what’s going on with him. He was in tears yesterday when I asked him to hug me and kiss me

One of the hardest things for him is... he wants to be able to tell you about all this. He does want to share with you. And he does want and long to have a relationship with physical touch and intimacy; he sees how hard this is for you. And it causes him to feel guilt and shame which doesn't help. Regardless, he will bristle strongly at you pushing him into physical touch and affection out of guilt or pressure. He has little control over this response right now.

I just wish i knew what to expect and what is going on with him. While it feels like he has no interest in me and for the past couple of years I’ve felt like he didn’t want to be married to me anymore and was just trying to figure out how to get out, he acts like he wants to be with me even though he pushes me away.

This parallel pushing away and pulling you close is very common in survivors. Because both things are indeed happening inside him: he does want to be with you while at the same time he wants to push you away.

So, if I could summarize, I'd say this:

• I don't know him, but he likely wants (badly) to be with you
• He wishes he could have a "normal" intimate relationship - free from all of this shit that gets in the way
• Healing from CSA trauma takes years. It takes patient commitment from a spouse / partner / significant other to make it work. It will be a while before the positive fruit of therapy and trauma work makes its way to you. The positive fruit will first be internal and may be invisible to anyone but him. And then... eventually... you will see it too
• You have to decide if you can do this for years: be supportive, encouraging, loving, all while letting him lead in the relationship

This process is hard for everyone involved. But healing and a better, deeper relationship are possible in the future.
- MO

 

[karin4him]

@ConfusedHubby,

A few thoughts for you in response to your post and questions:


This statement irked me, quite honestly (the therapist's statement - not your retelling of it). This sounds like a classic Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) who believes the answer to everything is to understand triggers, thoughts, and subsequent behaviors and then implement things to modify the thoughts and behaviors - while ignoring the significance of the triggers and why things are actually triggering to begin with (ignoring the trauma).

Trauma therapy - and especially male sexual abuse therapy - is a long road. Healing takes a lot of time, effort, and extreme vulnerability. This doesn't happen in a session or two, or even months of therapy. He can't just "deal with it," in the words of your couples therapist. That said, "progress" and healing are possible, but often looks like a step forward and seemingly two steps back.

The "two steps back" can be somewhat misleading, however. A typical trauma response in children and teens is to suppress the trauma: repress the memories, thoughts, and emotions associated with it. Why? Because kids and teens are prohibited from talking about the abuse - for any number of reasons. At the same time, kids and teens want to be "normal," and develop like their peers. Unconsciously, we develop coping mechanisms to do this: to survive and succeed at the "normal" things in life. Coping techniques can include: repression, avoidance of sex and sexual situations, shutting down emotionally, coping with the horrible emotions that inevitably "leak" through (even though we attempt to repress them) by turning to masturbation, alcohol, drugs, etc.

Now, take an adult man who has built all of these coping skills and avoided addressing all this trauma and stuffed it all in a box inside themselves. Your guy is now opening up that box he closed up inside himself - with a therapist - and what you see in him looks like a regression instead of healing. Because the full force of those emotions that were hidden are overwhelming him. The shame that was held at bay has a newfound strength. Feelings of loss of control have come back like a tsunami. Anger is probably a part of his every response - especially toward those like you who hold an intimate place with him. This is all very confusing for family and significant others to see. "It seems like you are getting worse instead of better." And yes - we must get "worse" before we can get better. Because all of the shit of the past has to be brought forward to be dealt with and it's very, very painful.


Again... lose this thinking. I know he might have expressed things in these terms - using terms of finality and putting things in the past. But this is a lifelong journey of healing. It won't always be this intense or painful. But there will always be the potential for things to surface throughout his whole life that cause unexpected (usually undesireable) responses in him. And ignoring / hiding those things just doesn't work.


This is common, too. And it is understandably very hard for you to understand. Why would going to therapy - which is supposed to make him "better" - cause him to withdraw from affection, touching, sex, and even non-sexual intimacy? Because before - he held all of this in that box that was closed and stored away inside him. Now the box is open, and he has a lot of things to process through before he will be willing to step into physical touch. He must process through: fear of sex, fear of touch that might lead to sex, trauma re-enactment, intrusive thoughts of the abuse that he is both drawn to and hates at the same time, and much more. But just know that he can both love and trust you while at the same time (mostly unconsciously) see you as a threat to his safety. It is really hard not to take this personally - because it affects you. Just know though - that the negative feelings and expressions are not about you.

A good saying is this: sometimes there really are things in your significant other that is just his thing and has nothing to do with you. However, it still directly impacts you in a big way - even though it's not about you.


As boys who lived through sexual abuse, we were powerless and were controlled by someone else. Some of us found that we lost our will; what we wanted and didn't want - didn't matter. Therefore, a guiding principle in helping survivors is that they need to be "in charge." They need to lead - especially in the area of intimacy - until they are healed (years down the road) to a point where they are willing to let someone else initiate and lead.

This is not fair to you. There is nothing fair about it. You have desires and needs of your own that are legitimate and expected in a loving relationship. But if you want this to work, the hard truth is - you have to let him lead. If this makes you angry, direct your anger at his abuser who has now inserted himself into your all's relationship (even though the abuse was in the past). @kwawk had a great suggestion in having a conversation about what is he okay with in terms of touch and in terms of you initiating things. Communication is key throughout this process. If you don't talk through some of these things, your relationship will fail.

As I implied, he can get to a place where things can become more mutual again. But pushing and coming across as wanting to force him into something physical (even though it's not sex) - feels to him just like the abuse did. Since he has direct access to those childhood feelings now - he is going to react with fear, anger, and with what feels to you like rejection.


One of the hardest things for him is... he wants to be able to tell you about all this. He does want to share with you. And he does want and long to have a relationship with physical touch and intimacy; he sees how hard this is for you. And it causes him to feel guilt and shame which doesn't help. Regardless, he will bristle strongly at you pushing him into physical touch and affection out of guilt or pressure. He has little control over this response right now.


This parallel pushing away and pulling you close is very common in survivors. Because both things are indeed happening inside him: he does want to be with you while at the same time he wants to push you away.

So, if I could summarize, I'd say this:

• I don't know him, but he likely wants (badly) to be with you
• He wishes he could have a "normal" intimate relationship - free from all of this shit that gets in the way
• Healing from CSA trauma takes years. It takes patient commitment from a spouse / partner / significant other to make it work. It will be a while before the positive fruit of therapy and trauma work makes its way to you. The positive fruit will first be internal and may be invisible to anyone but him. And then... eventually... you will see it too
• You have to decide if you can do this for years: be supportive, encouraging, loving, all while letting him lead in the relationship

This process is hard for everyone involved. But healing and a better, deeper relationship are possible in the future.
- MO

MO- Thank you for such a thorough and thoughtful response. I know all of this intellectually but my heart allows me to forget and get caught up in my own desires and feelings, so this was a great opportunity to remind myself and reground myself.