Hey,
but even our minds deny us the memories, is it a coping mechanism? I don't know, but my experience is that I have to be in just the right frame of mind, to go back. I can remember more things, by reading the posts of others in here. It can be so therapeutic or very sad, but is this not what we have to face to deal with it?
Mind denial is such a hard one to deal with, even just to get back to the actual abuse, and try to work around issues that arose, is so hard, but I/We have to do it. How else can we deal with this shit? We can't deny it, it happened.
We can then maybe accept it, everything in our lives chooses the denial route, family, friends, every day acquaintances. Try to trust people, most of them are friendly, and really do want to know you. It is still hard to accept this, but don't hide in a shell.
Sometimes it can be like living with no past, because we hide the past, we don't need to, we all have somethings we can share with others. People who I work with have said, they know so little of me. Is it any wonder?
But Hey, they do want to know, must be doing something right, I just tell them some good things and keep the shit hidden, it is not so easy, especially as you want to blurt out the facts, and let them know just how much you go through.
You're seeing a T, and you are here identifying your own experiences with others, who have been there. You will get better, it will take time, but don't deny it, it happened, and needs to be addressed.
Anger, rage, and confusion. Try to find a way of channelling it, generally finding a diversion, sport etc., can be a good way, but in all of this, don't blame yourself.
Don't get into the loop of self destructive thinking, it was none of your fault, but because you have to go through this, there is nobody else to get at, so you get into the process of self blame, self guilt.
I can't get back on the perp, so who/what do I take it out on? And the answer is yourself. Don't let it get to you that way. You survived it.
You've gone through so much more than the people you meet, they may like you for your stength, your weakness. It is so hard to keep the lie, but who do we tell?
Don't deny it, it happened, and deal with it from that point, confusion really comes from denial.
Don't forget, you had no part in it, so don't blame yourself, even if it was enjoyed, it was never your intention, or fault.
take care
ste
