Step Towards Therapy and Wife

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As most know, I'm new here. I just came recently. I jumped right in and started posting even though I'm not really accustomed to forum etiquette or sharing my thoughts with other people in this kind of setting.

I'm a married and a doctor. I was recently raped by 3 men at my place of work just 7 weeks ago. It happened on MLK Day '21 and it was in the middle of the night. Ever since that happened I refused to allow the hospital to know, my boss, and the police also. Look, I don't know about anyone else. But I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to see me. My wife saw me when I came home that morning. I was grateful that my children had just left for school. I have 4 kids still at home and 2 away at university. I would've been so ashamed if any of my kids had seen me. I don't underestimate my wife. She's a smart woman. She screamed when she saw me. She's a psychiatrist. She knew what happened and tried to convince me to go to the hospital. I didn't tell her that I had been raped. She just knew. I did not tell my wife the details of the story I share with you all here on this forum. She knew not to press me.

My father knew because I had locked myself in the bathroom, suturing myself on my eyebrow and on all the bites on my skin. I had thrown my clothes in the trash and showered for about an hour. My wife called him and told him that she thought I had been raped. I didn't even know he was there. She saw my clothes. She saw I peed myself. I had blood coming out of me where they raped me brutally and blood dripping off my arms and fingers from the bite marks. When I came out the shower into my room my father demanded I take my pants right back off so he could examine me. I argued with him for about 10 minutes...but he convinced me to do what he said. He basically doctored me because I refused to go to the hospital.

I refused to get therapy right away. Somehow, I felt like I needed distance from it before I could take that step. Eventually, I decided to go to a therapist. But I was having problems getting there. I'd get to the parking lot but would throw up and have a panic attack. That happened 2 times. I was just going to give up. But I tried 1 more time and this time I asked my wife to take me. And even though I threw up 2 times while in his office I was able to complete the session and finally said the words "I was raped" before I exited his office. I still have trepidation about seeing him, but I feel that the hardest step is over.

And then last pretty wife. I hate to see her sad or pout. She's been pouting at me since that day because I wouldn't talk to her about this shit. I couldn't talk about it. I can barely type it out. I have one nice dude that invited me to write him if I wanted to get the grittier stuff out the way. And I had a terrible panic attack just remembering the imagery for the account I was recalling for him. But after typing it to him and getting a response I felt relieved. Like I can possibly talk about it out here, in public. It made me feel like I might be able to talk to my wife. Anyhow, my wife pouting at me. And I said, "What's the matter?" And she just shook her head and frowned and walked away. She been doing that to me because she wants to say something but her being a head doctor she knows she can't push me. But at the same time, me being her husband, she expects to tell her EVERYTHING! After she pouted for 2 hours today, I couldn't take it anymore. I feel so much pain inside. I can't bear feeling guilty about causing her sadness, because I won't open up to her.

Anyhow, I told her not to say anything, not to ask me any questions but to just sit down and listen to me. I talked to her for about an hour. I told her. I told her the details of my rape. I didn't go into great detail about my feelings of any of it. I said it quickly as I could. It took an hour because some of the words I COULD NOT SAY! But I broke down to her. I've never let my woman see me cry, or be weak or even unable to say words. I felt like I was tearing down 23 years of this image she had of me. It felt like I wasn't even I lost the man I was. But when I was trying to search in my mind for that man I wanted to preserve I remembered for a second that man I was before them mother fvkers tore me up and treated me like a piece of garbage.

I'm telling all of you this because I was able to finally tell my wife. That means more to me than telling my therapist. I haven't been able to get intimate with my wife since that day. I flinch when she tries to touch me or hug me. I get too panicky. I can't separate sensations and feelings from that day. I need her badly. I might still be ashamed of myself for reasons unknown because of this rape. But I'm not ashamed to say I need my wife. I need her. I need to feel normal again. ~~Jake
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