Staying present

[txb]

This is mainly going to be about my sex life - just a warning in case you don’t want to read about that........

So things were pretty good - it wasn't some serious intense thing that caused me stress. Mostly it was fun. But about a month ago it seems like my partner watched some bad porn or something, or read some kind of how-to guide because he switched everything up - without asking me or telling me he was going to do this. He ended up doing different stuff which wasn't a turn on at all, more irritating than anything else, so I asked him to stop because it wasn't good, but he insisted it would be, actually I think he said it would be epic, so I was like fine, whatever, carry on. But right then in my head I completely switched off. It was like I lost feeling in my whole body and I had that thing where it was like I was looking down at myself from above. (This happened to me a lot when I was a kid. I'm not sure how that can happen tbh, because how can your brain make a picture of what's happening from a whole different angle - especially when you're in a position where you can’t even see everything that's going on.) Later that night I had a lot of nightmares and when I woke up it was like I was back at the start of dealing with this, like wondering what the hell happened to me and how could someone do this to me and why. I worked on all that stuff for months, years in fact, to get it sort of resolved in my head. I don't want to be back at the start again. My therapist left a few months ago so I can't talk about this with her.

Even though his plan wasn't a success my partner decided to try again. And again. And every time he started to do things I seemed to automatically check out. So then he got frustrated/upset and thought there was something wrong with him. I told him that I hated all his new stuff and wanted him to go back to the stuff that we used to do. I really don't understand how he couldn't figure that out himself. I told him enough times that it sucked. So he was like, okay, I'll go back to basics. And I was happy, but he managed to ruin that by deciding to add an extra twist to it. Seriously I feel like he ruined our whole sex life.

Now he's annoyed with me for not initiating anything with him. I can't even explain why but him saying that made me feel really angry. And I feel like never initiating anything with him ever again. I said I don't want to and you can't make me - which really hurt his feelings. I'm sorry I did. I don't understand why this made me so angry though. I feel bad and selfish about the not initiating thing too. It seems like he's the one that has to put all the work in, which isn't right. It should be more equal. But I can't seem to get into it. I still think about sexual stuff in my head but I don't seem to have any desire to act any of it out in real life. Even with myself - which is really weird and unheard of for me.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I just got old and past it or something. Or maybe it's my medication. I keep reading stuff where people are saying that their medication has made them have no sexual urges at all. I don't want that to happen to me, but if I go off medication then I'll completely fail at life in every other way. I really need to stop checking out too, but it's like a habit I can't seem to stop now. What is the best way of helping yourself stay present? I did all this grounding technique stuff with my therapist in the past, but it's hard to remember that stuff in the moment. I just want things to go back to how they were. My relationship is good otherwise, but the sexual part is too big a part for me to ignore problems there because it'll probably end up spilling into other parts.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me or how I'm supposed to make this better. I'm sorry that this is kind of long too.

 

[SmartShadow]

txb, Sorry your going through this.

So I deal with my share of dissociative difficulties. I get what it's like to be doing fine and the next thing you know your having to start back at ground zero and it feels like you just lost years of progress. If my many experances are any comparison, then you haven't lost any ground. But you have been sieverly trigered. Sexual triggers like this can be extreamly disruptive. Not only is it a bit like being transported to an alien universe and one that's full of scary bad stuff, but your still in an adult sexual relationship in the now. Been through this one at difrent levels, including at the lever you describe and all I can say is it's going to be ok. Not that it feels that way. I get it.

So if you want some advice I would have a talk with yourself and then a talk with your partner.

To yourself the talk would look somthing like;
You know that sexual stuff that went on and put us in this state, well it wasn't good. I tryed to say this wasn't good for me but I couldn't get the message across. I was over ridden by my partners wishes and it pulled us back in time to the trauma we suffered. I am sorry this happened and I want to make shure we don't repeat this. But more inportaly I am sorry what happen to us when we were a kid.
Then just sit with your self and hold the truth of this. Crying is good if it makes sense.

To you partner, your talk to him would look somthing like.... Find a good time for this....Crying here is also good if it makes sense;
I am sorry for the head space I am in right now and I now it's hard on you too but I realy need you to understand what I am going through. I love you, our relationship is important to me, etc, but I am in a realy vulnerable place right now....

You see when I was younger, as you may know, I was used in ways that caused me so much confution and pain that I learned to check out in a major way. I learned to leave my body...... That's what happen to me the other night.... I am still not fully back....

I know you were just wanting to make me happy and show how much you realy love me. But things became so unsafe for me that my survival instincts took over and I left my body. I need a bit of time to sort this out and I guess I am asking you to help me. I can't controll this and I need some help from you to make this safe again. It not you fault, it's because I was abused and traumatized as a child. Because of what happen to me I won't be able to comunicate well enught to stop this from happening in the moment. I guess I am saying that I get extreamly vulnerable during sex and I need to put some limits on what we do ahead of time so that I can be ok.

I am realy sorry about this.... I know you were trying to hurt me.... It's not your fault.... It's because of damage I encoured as a child. I may need a bit of time to fully come back to myself.

somthing like that.

Sorry you are going through this. It will get better. It takes time. You need to give yourself a bit of time to catch up with yourself again. Breathing techniques work good for me as far as grounding. Look up PTSD Breathing techniques online for ideas.

Sex is like jumping out of a plain for me. Under the right conditions it can be an exilirating and bonding experance. Under the wrong conditions there is no faster way to get me in an altered state of survival. I mean who wants to be grounded if your falling at thirty thousands feat and have no parachute.

 

[KL]

Reassure your partner, that's it's not about him. Tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. You've already told him of the abuse, so he must understand and be compassionate about it. Demand that from him. Don't stay silent. Be good to yourself. He'll come around and understand if he truly loves you. You may only need a small break from sex for awhile. There's nothing wrong with that seeing as how early we were sexualized. If you're feeling overwhelmed and you need a break - take it. Sort it out.

Stay strong

 

[Bowierocks]

I hesitate to write this but I did do a sort of reliving experience recently and it actually worked to help me become more connected during sex. My perp was a much older brother who forced oral sex on me .. he got on top of me once but I resisted . Exposed me to porn, had me watch him masterbate, be with girlfriends all in the name of teaching me about sex .. What was worse was the violence. I have felt very much above myself with sex even with my wife of 20 years .. recently I started dealing with this and decided to relive certain acts that I found troublesome .. I fell into being with female escorts . I would have never perused it as I made sure that despite the exchange of money it was consensual . Meaning for the earlier encounters I found that often I didn't want sex at all and ironically they did.. I did have sex with one in particular I was not attracted to at all who really wanted to . I know this sounds absurd - I felt sorry for her ; she was older and overweight.., would I ever relive the violence or emotions, not a snowballs chance in hell . But frankly I never really enjoyed oral sex or certain potions where I feel like I am not in control and now I do . I always tell them I am a survivor and my intent to give myself an out. So it's a dangerous experiment but it's reliving the acts to some extent but for me it's making it right as I am in control , it'a with a woman ( I identify myself as straight ) and there is no violence . The other night I was having seX with my wife and I noticed that somehow she got better at it and vice versa . So it worKS . In sex , I find it an exercise to become grounded , but in life I am constantly leaving . Sorry you are dissociating and I know what you mean that you can't remember the techniques .. what I do is the 5 senses thing where I count 5 colors ,, but it'a hard to use Jt and be prescient during these times . My wife wanted me to tie her up and preteND to rape her and I refused .. I am guessing it's different for 2 males but I wouldn't want her to cross boundaries without consent and it sounds like this happened as far as medI cations go , for antidepressants try Wellbutron or ginkgo bloba 120 MG a day if you are taking about antidepressants .

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Txb.

Sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your partner and I hope you can come to some resolution.

It seems to me that your partner trying new things that you did not like, against you will, obviously triggered you back to your abuse when you were young and were forced against your will to do things or endure things you did not want. Of course you dissociated then. Your mind could not handle what was happening at the time and it escaped.

It seems to me that you don't need help being present but rather that you need to talk with your partner and come to an agreement. It sounds as if you have already had that conversation and it did not work out well. If that is the case, perhaps another conversation might be in order.

The bottom line is that you do not have to accept anything you don't want done to you or to participate in. Being pressured for sex is very triggering for me and I imagine it is for you as well. I always believe in communication and introspection.

Good luck to you.

Mike

 

[bey]

I get that you want to be flexible and open to new things and it's frustrating when you have old abuse stuff sneak in and basically ruin new stuff. I get wanting to be able to enjoy sex without that old crap sneaking in and pulling you away. And I think sex is always somewhat complicated, even for regular people. Add in abuse stuff and it can be extra shitty sometimes.
I think nothing man is right though. I don't think it's your job to learn to stay present so you can like whatever he's doing. I don't think it's your job to like anything. You have the right to say no thanks to anything - even things most people like, for any reason at all.
I think libido can go up and down, and if it's in a lull right now, that's ok.
I do get how it is shitty to feel like the shit you went through continues to make things shitty today though. Go easy on yourself.
Ben

 

[KMCINVA]

Txb

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. Dissociation, at varying points on the spectrum, impacts many survivors. It comes with the territory for many as does the PTSD. We are triggered into these states, for some we detach emotionally from ourselves to the extreme of detaching from our consciousness. Triggers come in all shapes and sizes and can occur at different times, sex for many is a trigger. I have learned once we see the act or feel the sensation of sex our minds can retreat, we can feel scared the abuser or abuse is present. For some of us the abuser is seen in our partner and we have fear and detachment, we do not want to be there. We sometimes go into avoidance, the partner may think it is them or we are defective. The answer is no, we do not feel safe, we feel threatened.

You need to feel safe to explore, until then you will not be able enjoy or participate. For me it took time, a person who made me feel safe once again to explore and enjoy. She was able to move slowly, showed patience and understanding. She knew my past and others did not. When I was younger and the abuse and abuser were some how in check in my mind, I felt safe and secure. I did not retreat, I enjoyed. But as the abuser became more present and the triggers were flying outside the bedroom, they followed me into the bedroom. The power of triggers is overwhelming for many of us and it impacts our social and sexual lives, as well as our productive life. I had fear, flashbacks and nightmares and did not want to be there. Why--the triggers that I was living daily kept reinforcing his presence and the pain of the abuse. I could see and feel much of what he did to me. Some say get over it, but not so simple, some believe it should not debilitate us, but it does, others refuse to see how their actions impacted these feelings to erupt.

Your partner needs to be more sensitive and understand your feelings and the triggers. Compassion and kindness goes a long way. Your partner needs to read and maybe speak with a professional who can guide him to understand your limits and how he can help your explore further beyond. You need to understand your triggers and find a way to face them (and yes it is not easy and I am still am a work in progress). PTSD is real and for the survivor it can destroy. Have you talked with a therapist or doctor? Letting out the past can be a help.

The abuser leaves us with a damaged sense of sex--some retreat and others over treat themselves. Neither is healthy. I have learned retreating destroys relationships as does being triggered by a partner. I found someone, and it is do to circumstances and my sharing the abuse, that allowed for life to open and for me to explore and enjoy what I had not enjoyed in life for a long time. She did not push but from her background knew how to nurture the emotions of the abuse.

I suffer dissociation at an upper end of the spectrum. I disconnect from myself and reality. I loose time and place and sense of who I am. I look back and remember people saying I looked glazed with slit for eyes. Even then, for short periods I had no idea where I was or what I thought. With sex in my younger days I stayed present and enjoyed but as I got older unraveled I was somewhere else many times, and if I was not I had fear and tenseness in my body--anxiety. The partner did not know or understand all that was working on my mind and body for years and years.

Talk it out, talk to a T, have your partner talk to a T--it is something you need to work on for yourself and at times together.

I have to say I hate the feeling of not being present or having blanks in my life. I have heard dissociation is not real by people who are not professionals and have no understanding of the condition and PTSD. Ignore them for they should not be condemning or hurting you for their lack of knowledge and understanding. Either they grow up, open their minds and understand your pain, or may be it is time to distance yourself from them. Only you can find and know the answer.

I hope you can find the answer along with your partner.

Kevin

 

[txb]

Thank you. I'm not sure if I feel better or worse from posting now. I appreciate the replies though. I'm glad it doesn't seem like I'm just over reacting.

I think sex is always somewhat complicated, even for regular people. Add in abuse stuff and it can be extra shitty sometimes.

I think this too. I read a book that left me with the impression that there is barely anyone out there that doesn't have some kind of a messed up attitude towards sex. I think that makes me feel a bit better. The author of this book talked about how your parent's attitudes, your upbringing and even well meaning comments could have a negative effect on your sex life and give you issues. I also get the impression that a lot of people don't talk about sex with their partners, they just expect it to be amazing.

The annoying thing is that I do talk a lot about sex with my partner. Not all the time but every so often we'll talk about it seriously and decide to change things or add new things. It's not like he couldn't talk to me about it and had no choice but to spring new things on me. I can only assume he was trying to be nice and surprise me. I don't want to make him sound bad either, because he's not. He cares about me and wants me to be happy. It's not like I told him to stop and he ignored me. If I really wanted him to stop I would have stopped him. I just left him to continue because it seemed like he had a plan. I didn't know it was going to cause me to dissociate. I'm not sure why you'd carry on doing something when the other person said they didn't like it though, and even tell them that they would like it. I wouldn't have done that to him. I should have insisted, but instead I just let him carry on and I started to think about other things that weren't at all connected. I think that's probably why I dissociated??

Being pressured for sex is very triggering for me and I imagine it is for you as well. I always believe in communication and introspection.

Yes, I think this is probably what makes me angry about being asked to initiate. If I want to then I will, but if you're asking me then it's like you're trying to force me. Introspection means thinking about yourself right? Like how your own actions caused something? I think in my relationship I'm the one who is usually in charge and the one who makes most of the decisions, but at the same time think I might be too passive sometimes because I hate arguing.

I'm not sure if things are better or worse now. Last night I forced myself to initiate because I thought I might get into it if I faked it. That wasn't the best and I accidently got hurt (in a freak accident) which was really unpleasant. The whole thing kind of sucked. After I asked my partner if he actually liked it and he said it wasn't the greatest, so I suggested we never do it again. Life is too short to waste on crappy sex. He was fine with that and then I felt like a complete genius. Or at least a real adult or person who can make decisions for themselves.

I suppose life has been pretty stressful lately, which is probably causing some of this. My partner was assaulted at work. The place he works is stressful and management don't really give enough support, so things are sucking for him. I'm sure I haven't helped much. We're buying a house too - or trying to. This was supposed to be a good thing, but somehow it's caused us to have arguments, which I hate. I hope that things will be able to go back to how they were soon.

Thanks again for your replies on this.

 

[Logan]

1st I just want to state that I have not read anybody's replies to the first post.

That having been said, To txb. I have had many mem's like this that you described where I "Wasn't in my body." I was either above myself, or in the corner of the room watching this stuff happen to some one that looked just like me, but wasn't "me!"

Many of my severe trauma memories are like that. And before I really began to deal with my own CSA history in a serious way, that happened a lot during sex with someone.

I just wanted to share but I have to leave as I have a long drive ahead of me.

I will try to give a more through explanation as to why I think that this happened and what I have read and was told in Therapy.

Take car, Man.
-Logan