Staying in the "working zone" as PAS describes..

[wifenneed]

A question for the partners out there (or survivors who could share what their partners do for them at these times that is most supportive )...How do you best stay in your "working zone" when your survivor partner is working through things by being silent, non-responsive and cold? It seems to take a gargantuan effort for me not to get sucked up into trying to figure out what I did wrong, what can I do to make it right type behavior. What things work for you? Most times for me I have to treat my spouse like he's not even there so I don't feel so hurt by him, try talking to him too much, etc. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting for him to sort things out in his mind, and to come around and treat me like a human being again...the waiting an wondering are painful and difficult to understand. I'm in a counter wobbble.

Thanks all....

 

[kolisha54]

I know exactly what you mean - the eggshell dance...

I was once so disgusted with the whole thing that I made myself a little instrument: a tiny wooden box with a tumble of cracked, cooked, broken eggshells inside. I'd rattle it & end up laughing at myself.

Maybe what we experience is a cyclical wobble within a larger wave???

The only things I think we can do are (1) keep our sense of humor (2) find other ways to feel nurtured (3) re-define what exactly it is that we want/ expect from the relationship.

There are no easy answers...

 

[SAR]

Sometimes when we are so used to having someone else come around and help us, whether we act nasty or not, that we just hang out being nasty (or neglectful) and wait for someone to come and take our abuse and then help us out. I know that my boyfriend and I are both guilty of this kind of behavior in our weaker moments.

Maybe it comes from a need to 'test' our partners, show them what kind of terrible people we "really are" and try to scare them off a little, see if they'll still stick around when we are at our least giving... maybe it comes from a need to show someone safe our worst pain at a time when we are afraid to call it pain... maybe it comes from feeling sorry for ourselves all of the sudden, wanting to be vulnerable like children and have someone come up to us and "make it better."

In any case the point is, while this behavior is about pushing you away, it's really as much about you as any other behavior because it's about you being there to be pushed away. This kind of silence comes from insecurity--one that is to some degree, and especially for survivors, based in truth--we don't know other people's limits. We're not sure what to do to get people to behave the way we want them to, or what will happen when we behave the way we do. He's testing himself and his own sense of reality as much as he's testing you. I don't think this is a dynamic that is limited to unhealthy people. I think it's normal to a point and becomes manipulative and frustrating in "wobbly" relationships.

My best solution to this kind of thing is the "guy" solution that I stole from my boyfriend---I leave him alone without saying anything about it, and do something that I need to do until he figures out that there are better and nicer ways to get my attention. It used to piss me off SO BAD when he did this (doesn't he know I need him right now?!?! ... even though I'm sulking on the couch and being rude to him?!?!?) until I did it myself and saw how quickly I became involved in my work instead of his problems, and how quickly he stopped pouting over a video game and actually wanted to talk to me. After all there is nothing like what you can't have. I think you should work on work though, not a bubble bath or shopping or something. Do something that occupies your mind. With me it's my thesis but that has its own bad side effects... like poverty...

peace.
Sar

 

[SAR]

kolisha I have a rubber band on my wrist that I snap to keep from doing more self destructive things. Maybe we should start a survivor band!!

 

[kolisha54]

Off topic a bit, but maybe we could start a thread about all the funny, silly ways we have of coping...

1st of all, you notice how we are both into, um, "percussion?" Does it, um, strike you that we have chosen violent shaking & snapping to make our music? Is this "acting out, in, or UP?"



And here's another challenge for you: does anyone have a a name for themselves while in Wobbledom? I have, so far, identified one of my personas: Planquette Du Bois, The Human Wood Woman...

 

[wifenneed]

I find I do a whole bunch of little things that needed to get done anyway...sewing buttons on things, ironing, cleaning toilets (so much fun!). But then I run out of chores and there he is, still silent and walking through the house, or worse yet, watching tv in silence together. It's awful. If it were warmer maybe I could actually go OUTSIDE and do something.

I never resort to shopping or eating to cope, but I have my own destructive pity party and that has to end, and right now.

Nicknames.....what would mine be? Probably "Cinderella"...do the washing, do the ironing.....

 

[kolisha54]

Cleaning TOILETS?????


WOW!

What an incredible metaphor!!!


Maybe you are, um, flushing the sh*^ out of your life????

 

[SAR]

KILL YOUR TV. How's that for percussion?

No, seriously, tv/video games are my boyfriend's numbing out drug of choice.. just because it's not hurting anything doesn't mean it's not bad for him, keeping him from thinking about what's really bothering him. It's pretty easy to "hide" next to someone behind primetime.

If he needs to hide behind something and take his mind off, maybe he would do something mind-numbing with you? The movies? You don't have to talk at the movies, in fact you can't... or a batting cage or driving range or something? You would probably have to suggest this before he glued his butt to the recliner though, and then NOT ambush him by deciding that the drive home would be the perfect time to talk about things.

Really, kill your tv.

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by kolisha54:
Cleaning TOILETS?????


WOW!

What an incredible metaphor!!!


Maybe you are, um, flushing the sh*^ out of your life????

OH FUNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like this one.

NO really.. this is a good thread.. love it...

the key is to do HEALTHY things when we are biding our time.. not pursuing the person who is pulling away (ineffective) OR doing anything unhealthy to bide the time (i.e drinking, drugs, any other addiction, etc). Then at least we will have done something useful for ourselves while we are waiting for that person to come around..

I often find that by doing something for myself while waiting I feel so much better and then I dont need to pursue so much!!!!!!!!!!!

I can safely say that by doing things for myself when I am feeling "abandoned" I have achieved some great things got a new job (then a promotion), joined a hockey team, hired a personal trainer to get in shape, now am pursuing buying some real estate!!!

I think as women (cult of femininity here) we are trained NOT to seek out ways to satisfy/take care of ourselves but to seek this from our "men" which is pretty ridiculous really!!!!!

U go girls!