Stay out of his therapy-- Spinoff from progress post

[SAR]

I didn't want to shift the focus away from the original thread, but I've been meaning to bring this up for a while and I think Nobbynobs said it well in his response to swandive's post here:

https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=001327

My wife simply stayed out of all the therapy components of my recovery and just provided the support I needed, whether that was when I needed someone to talk to, or making a special meal, or simply just being there.

I wonder if any of the men here could share a bit about times that "less" has been "more" in terms of their partners' involvement in recovery... or on the other hand, if they felt that a partner's active involvement or "pushing" them into recovery or related discussion was helpful to them.

For me, as a partner, I think a lot of my original need to be involved or to gather information was really about me, although he might have interpreted it as trying to heal "for" him-- I needed to get the info and feedback from places like MS because it gave me a sense of control and stability in this huge mess that had been made out of our lives at the time. I felt so much better that there were books about this stuff, actual professionals who'd studied guys like my guy, etc. Like we weren't in it alone.

At the time, this wasn't a need he understood or shared, but that doesn't mean it wasn't important for me (and I'm sure it helped me support him). I just had to learn to not project my need on to him, and stop going to him with what I was reading and thinking while he worked things out for himself.

That being said, I drew the line at getting him into therapy. I felt (and still feel) very strongly that unless he did that in his own time, on his own, it would be pretty much useless-- and that my doing it for him or getting involved in that part of his healing would strip some power from the whole T experience. I set some hard boundaries about behaviors that I would and wouldn't tolerate in the relationship, but professional help was not a part of that discussion until he brought it up.

Looking back I can say that this worked well for us.

I'd like to hear thoughts from others.

SAR

 

[Lloydy]

Worked for Linda and me too. She offered support, listened as I went on endlessly, and generally kept me together - and in line!

She's never read books about abuse, never talked to my therapist or had therapy herself.

She is a smart woman though, and her intellectual capacity allows her to take it all in from me, and I guess other places.
What we do is discuss things as they come up, and she has never been afraid to challenge me or my ideas and thoughts, she often succeeds in changing them as well.

I saw my healing as a challenge in many respects, so it was good for me to have that challenge in my marriage as well as the therapists chair.

Dave

 

[roadrunner]

SAR,

What a good idea for a thread.

My wife is very supportive of my healing journey and when I return from a session with my T we often sit over coffee and discuss what went on. She has a lot of good ideas and I benefit from hearing them, even if I sometimes find them uncomfortable.

She has never been to therapy with me and doesn't read any of the literature that I get into. I tell her that I am writing things down and she can read what I am doing any time she wants, but I also advise her that there is a lot of rough stuff in there that she doesn't know about yet. It's up to her to decide when and if she wants the full story, and so far she has opted to give it a miss. She feels that she already knows what she needs to know and that learning details of more hurt won't necessarily help either of us.

What helps me is that her main perspective is our family and how my recovery impacts on her and our kids. It's a good emphasis to go along with the perspective of my T, who of course knows me in a different way.

So yes, I think that for us "less" also turned out to be "more".

Much love,
Larry

 

[Trish4850]

SAR,

Welcome back. This is a great thread and one that several months ago I would have agreed with on a common sense level but emotionally, I would not have understood. Now I do.

This so completely sets out what I've been and continue to deal with:

At the time, this wasn't a need he understood or shared, but that doesn't mean it wasn't important for me (and I'm sure it helped me support him). I just had to learn to not project my need on to him, and stop going to him with what I was reading and thinking while he worked things out for himself.

I continue to learn on a daily basis that sometimes shutting up is the best thing I can do. Everything I learn helps me and helps me to support him, but the lightbulbs in my mind don't reach him, they have to go off in his head. That was a very difficult lesson for me to learn.

As for therapy, I did force my b/f into it. His lies had become too much for me to bear so it was therapy or we were over. I felt awful about it and told him so after about 3 weeks. I explained that I knew it was not the best way for things to have happened and that if it wasn't really what he wanted, then we could try things his way - as long as some very stringent grounds rules were kept. That was a couple of months ago and he's still going *whew* I may have pushed him in the door, but it was and is his 100% choice to keep it up.

What I guess I'm saying is that every situation is different. Ours was pretty extreme I think and forcing him to see his T was the only option left. It was either that or we died.

ROCK ON.........Trish

 

[TRACYUK]

Good to see you back SAR

I'l be interested in hearing from the men how partners efforts to "help" have impacted on them, positively or otherwise.

Good idea for a thread.

T