Starting to Understand Triggers (Trigger Warning)

Hello All:

I've been living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for years now. But I was just diagnosed a few weeks ago. And I'm finally getting help. I also have just come to recognize and accept that I was sexually abused by my older, mentally ill brother when I was a child. And thanks to this fabulous site, I'm starting to work through some of the issues. But what I didn't really understand until this morning, is what is meant by "triggers."

This morning, I wrote an e-mail to a female friend of mine that I have known for years. We are really good online friends and talk about everything. She also happens to be a CSA Survivor. So you wouldn't think I would be scared sharing my experiences, right? Well, guess what? After I wrote her, I got this horrible pain in my chest. In the past when I got these pains, I would either think I was dying of a heart attack. Or I would have a severe asthma attack.

From seeing the doctor, I know that chances are I'm not really going to die when this happens. It just feels like I'm going to die because that's what happens with my PTSD. So instead of freaking out like I usually do, I tried to think what might have brought this chest pain on.

Then I realized. For me, telling people about my older brother sexually abusing me is a trigger. Just the act of telling!!! Maybe not everytime but the first time I tell them it seems to trigger a panic attack (or sometimes flashbacks).

And guess what? Today, I think I understand why. Even though my brother is dead now, there is still that child part of me that is terrified of him. And terrified of all the threats he made not to tell. Does that make sense? It's like on a subconscious level, I still think he could carry out those threats. Even though in my head I know I am safe.

So tell me. Do I have this right? Is this the kind of thing you mean when you talk about triggers? I hope so. I hope I've got it right. Because even though it's a small thing, it feels like a kind of victory to me.

And guess what? I'm telling on my brother! And I'm going to keep telling on him!

Thanks for listening.

Jasper

 

Hello:

It's Jasper again.

I was starting to feel so calm, so confident earlier. But now I am freaking out a little. I haven't received a reply back yet from my friend.

Maybe it sounds crazy but I will be crushed if she doesn't understand about the CSA. I mean, I don't see how she won't understand. She, herself, is a survivor.

But I already lost one friend in the last few weeks, a friend who couldn't understand about the PTSD and argued with me about it. I really don't want to lose another friend.

Is it really this hard sometimes when you try to tell close friends about childhood sexual abuse?

Jasper

 

[sabooka]

Hi Jasper.

I have physical problems because of the SA. I get them in my back everytime I come close to feeling an emotion of any sort. I thinki it will get better with time and healing, but I am not sure.

I think you were brave to be able to share with your friend. I know that is something I couldn't do. And probably you just took her by suprise. Give her a little time to digest the information. Even the most amazing people are sometimes lost for words when someone they care about is sharing thier pain with them.

It's good to hear you are comfronting your past.
we are all here with you.

 

Hello Sabooka:

Thank you so much for the words of comfort.

You are right. Some people just need time. But my friend surprised me by finally replying to my e-mail. And she said the nicest things to reassure me. Yippee!

I am still shocked that my other friend totally rejected me because she couldn't accept the diagnosis of PTSD. How odd is that? I'm still scratching my head over that one. But I suspect she may have some issues in her own past that she's trying to escape from. At least, that's my hunch. What do you think?

Anyhow, I can see already that there are some people I might tell and some people I definitely won't tell. In a way, I wish my parents were still alive so I could tell them. But this is really hard stuff. Much harder than I thought it would be. And I don't know if I will tell any of my grown siblings.

Just curious. Maybe this is a question to the group. But if you could tell anyone about your sexual abuse, who would it be? And who would you definitely not tell? I really would like to know. That is, if you feel safe sharing.

Thanks for the feedback. And thanks again for being there.

Jasper

 

[RICK57]

Jasper - (this may trigger)

I was abused way back in 1969 when I was just turned 12 years old.

I never told anyone until about 4 years ago - I felt under pressure, totally misread a situation and told 3 friends under the influence of alcohol. Fortunately that burst the boil - they were all shocked but stood by me (as they still do). Thought I was OK.

Dec 18th 2003 - I had a major breakdown. To cut a long story short, I had been Christmas shopping in Leeds UK. I'd bought all of the presents that I needed except one - it was for my Nephew. My subconscious just took over - it dawned on me how old he was (approaching senior school) and that he lived near to my abuser. I was in a daze for several days and then just lost it completely - all the time that I had kept it to myself, all the time that I thought I was coping. Someone at work asked me if I was OK (lots of other people had been looking at me strangely, but none had asked) - I obviously wasn't.

I somehow made it to my Doctors & finally told him - he'd always suspected that there was an underlying problem, but didn't know what.

Next I forced my Boss to meet me in a room off reception & told her (frightened her to death).
She got me a shrink within days.

Spoke to the Shrink.

Told more people at work (I was getting stronger), but still selective about who I told.

Told more friends and aquaintances.

17/10/2004 - told the police (a dark & stormy night, I was pissed but with some deep clarity). It was like a meeting of fate.

Managed to tell my sister the same night - I needed to tell her back in 1969, but just didn't know how to explain what had happened then.

There is a Crown Court Case pending (just waiting for the date).

Why am I telling you all of this - well it seems that the people I have told have been either by accident, gut feeling, or absolute necessity. I have been very fortunate, that not once have I been let down (and I never trusted anyone - I didn't believe that anyone was worthy of my trust).

There are good people out there, go with your instincts. If they let you down, dump them. If they are there for you, nurture them.

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[RICK57]

Jasper - the reason I originally responded to your post.

Waiting for a response from friends. After I disclosed (and even now at times) - if I texted someone and they didn't reply straight away, I thought that they were ignoring me, that I had done something wrong. I would try and work out what it was I had done to upset them, then a text would appear.

I'd never done anything wrong, responses were delayed due to a number of options:

1/ I hadn't cleared the texts from my phone, so couldn't receive any responses.
2/ They were in a meeting so couldn't respond.
3/ They were driving (responsible lot).
4/ They were in the bath.
5/ The phone was dead.
6/ I'd forgotten to press send.
7/ They were asleep (we all work different shifts).

IN my case, if I'm watching an action movie, I have the surround sound right up & often have loads of missed calls / stacked messages when it is over.

I also play the guitar through headphones and can get carried away at times.

I don't intentionally ignore anyone - sometimes it appears that I do.

Best wishes again ..Rik

 

Thanks Rik!

That was really helpful advice. And it couldn't have come at a better time. So many things have been crashing in on me today. I'm having flashbacks all over the place.

It's hard to explain in any detail here. Normally, I post in the "Gay Survivors" Forum. And I know some people feel uncomfortable even looking at the boards there. I understand. I only post over here when my concern is more general. (Like about telling people about the CSA.) But if any of you guys get a chance to stop over there, please read my post about "Gay Date Rape." The main point is that things from early childhood, young adulthood, and just a few years ago are all kind of hitting me at once. So please...straight, gay, or searching...if you are feeling brave today and want to help me out, please read my post if you can. I sure could use some feedback. Thanks, all.

And thanks again Rik for the responses to my post. You gave me wonderful perspective. And it was really helpful to hear of your experiences. I feel like I'm having my own breakdown today. But I'm going to do something really courageous for me and take the dog for a walk! At least it's courageous when I'm having this kind of day. Know what I mean?

Take care,

Jasper

 

[Muldoon]

Jasper
I have had bad luck telling people at work but only good luck telling friends. It seems that friends understand the issue and me. Most of my friends knew that I was running from something but not sure what it was.

So many friends from my teens and 20,s would say.
"Well that explains so much." Now they know.
I am 55 years old now and most of them stood beside me and continue to be a friend. A few of my friends have become much closer now because they can see why I was such a drinker and drugie.

Can't say it always turns out good .
Good luck in your Recovery.
Tom

 

Thanks Tom.

I think some people, like family members, if they knew would say, "Oh, so that explains why you are so distant."

But family members are probably the last people I can tell right now. For one thing, me and my younger brother simply do not talk about the physical abuse we experienced at the hands of our older, mentally ill brother. The last time it came up was years ago and as soon as he even mentioned it, I could tell he regretted it. We haven't talked about it since. In fact, there's been a wall between us for so long. Maybe that's it. I know we were each slapped, kicked, punched, threatened, and humiliated by our older brother. And I felt really guilty for a long time that I couldn't protect my younger brother from the abuse. But was he also sexually abused like me? That's something I may never find out.

Or I should say, I'm too new in this process to even consider opening up to my family about this. Then again, it's only my siblings left. Our parents and the abusive brother are all dead.

Thanks again, Tom!

Jasper

 

[RICK57]

Jasper - just pleased I could help.

I often reply to posts here & most of the time I just hope that I'm actually helping someone with my response (not making things worse).

It's good to hear that my response came at the right time.

Best wishes ..Rik