Starting To Put The Pieces Together


Hello to all!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my abuse and beginning to understand myself a little more as time goes on. This past year has caused all of the emotions that’s been buried deep inside to resurface and now I feel as if I can’t control them. I’ve been seeing a counselor for about a year now and it seems as though all we talk about is just dealing with emotions and how they play a major part in my behavior. My thinking is that all of my actions and thoughts all stem from my past and I can’t process it. It’s very hard for me to explain through a text. I’m thinking of switching over to someone who specializes in male CSA or something I don’t know.

I’m way passed the grieving stage, passed the thoughts of something happening. I think I’m at the anger stage and this anger is different. I’m angry at myself; I feel guilty, ashamed, and most of all confused. The nature of what happened to me is unique as everyone else’s story is. There was no violence, no threats, no force, not even the normal coercion or grooming. So I’m thinking things may have started way before the age of 6…more like 3 or 4 because images are now starting to process that date way before 6 and I think there may have been 2 perps.

Overall, after it was all over after 2 years, I was left in the dark. No further help, no counseling, not even check ins to see how I was doing. It was as if nothing ever happened and I got so great at dissociating no one ever knew what I was feeling…I didn’t know what I was feeling. So it all trickles down to my adult age and I’m left in this confusion. I can’t tell you how I was feeling during it all. I spaced out and went into my own imagination until it was over and then I moved on, not even recounting what happened. So I’m thinking because it happened at a possible early stage it became the new norm for me.

I feel as if I’m about to implode with these many emotions I can’t even process. I feel my head is spinning and I have nowhere to run. This site is my last resort. I’m taking it one day at a time and processing little by little with all the outside material I find and books I’ve been reading and they seem to do a great deal so far in finding some answers.

Apologies for the rant. I’m just happy I at least can jot the thoughts down and put them out there. Thank you for listening.


Staff member
Hi fit_survivor94,

You are progressing though it may not feel like progress. Starting to feel again after years of denial, disbelief and dissociation took me a year of carrying a list of emotions in my pocket and setting timers on my phone to stop and identify my real feelings before I was ready to confront the bottled up guilt and shame that really was the long lasting gift of the Perp. In the process I went through three therapists(T) before I really made some strides in moving from surviving to thriving. It took great courage to walk in that first T door but it may take greater courage to walk out and get different help for the next step. Look through the archives. Check out the types of T that have helped and use the consumer guide to selecting a T pinned to this thread too IF you need something different to move from surviving to thriving. Losing the guilt and shame is difficult and for me sometimes repetitive work but it is also so rewarding to start to live in the real present!
Hi fit_survivor94,

I'm glad you're able to begin to process those long bottled up and confusing emotions a little at a time with the help of a therapist and through reading. I'm also glad that posting about your experience here helps you. If you find that you continue to feel like you can't control them in the future it could be a change of focus in therapy may help. But that's entirely up to you. Good luck to you.


Processing is a long journey. Stay strong. Good luck.