Starting Therapy & Fears

Starting Therapy & Fears
A

alan_w

Registrant
I told my wife of many years that I am going to start therapy for prior CSA. She said she thought it was a good idea, then last night told me that she was nervous of it, because a few years ago when we both had separate therapy for some marriage stuff, both her therapist and mine counseled us on divorcing! Me for having a homosexual orientation and she for having me as a partner. This time the therapy hopefully will be focused on my behaviorial issue and prior abuse, and not on changing what my wife and I feel to be our marriage breakup. Anyone have similar experiences in therapy? (This is the first time for therapy for me on the abuse and my own self-abuse.) If the therapy seeks to destory the only stable thing in my life, I would think it to be very wrong.
 
https://www.forgottenvictims.org/hs_therapist.php

Hi Alan, (hey :) that's my name too), a saw a big red flag when you seemed to suggest that your T's were focusing on only one avenue for healing. I would suggest that instead, they should be helping you to explore yoursleves and making your own decisions, asking you questions that you may have asked yourself but have done it so many times that you overlook it, and giving impressions and opinions as to why you've possibly made decisions in the past etc. Self exploration should be their focus, not coaching you're life's decisions for you.
 
Alan,

Beginning therapy for CSA can be a troubling experience at first, largely because of the survivor's trust issues. I would say first and foremost bear in mind that the T is there to help you. If you feel that you are being led down a road that is not useful to you, or if you feel uncomfortable in any way, you should just say so. There are many approaches to therapy and you may be with the wrong therapist.

On the other hand, do expect that things will move very slowly at first and that you will feel very awkward and perhaps frightened. The T will probably not even get into real abuse issues at first. He/she will want to just talk with you, allow time for the both of you to connect, and built up your ability to trust.

The T's job will not be to solve your problems; you are the only one that can do that, and the work that has to be done has to be done by the survivor. The T's job is to help us along and get us through the minefield with as little further new pain and trauma as possible. The T is like a guide pointing us in useful directions.

Let me give you an example from a recent session that I had. She asked me what Little Larry's biggest issues are at the moment, and one I identified is his fear that maybe everything that happened to him really does prove how worthless he is - regardless of what Big Larry says. So my T said let's talk about that. We did, and after a few minutes she asked me, how old was Little Larry when he was first hurt. 11, I replied. So he was a child, right? Yes, sure, a child. Then she asked me, Larry, can you imagine such a thing as a worthless child? Then we discussed ways to make Little Larry see that. As you can see, she didn't "tell" me, she "guided" me and I had to take the steps myself.

That's the great thing about therapy. We make progress and it's OUR victory. We really can do it! :)

Much love,
Larry
 
Alan
I would say that any therapist that steers a client is wrong, a good therapist should do little more than help the client find their own answers to their questions.

The answers, as much as we can ever expect to find definitive answers, might be difficult to accept. But if they are answers, thoughts or ideas that WE discover then they have some merit.

In therapy I spent a lot of time talking about my feelings of sexual confusion - was I gay or straight? - and my therapist never once expressed an opinion, all he did was provide somewhere where I could express my thoughts and reason my way through them.
If I'd have walked away after therapy a gay man, after 25 years of marriage, then that would have been MY choice based upon me thinking through MY issues and doubts in a controlled manner.
I walked away still married, and I've never doubted that decision because it was MINE.

I think that your previous experience of therapy, and your wifes, might have been with therapists that didn't fully appreciate the real problems survivors face as adults, which is why I believe it's very important that we find therapists that ideally specialize in CSA survivors, or at least have a very good knowledge of the particular problems we face.

Don't dismiss therapy for your abuse issues, I think it's essential. But do make the effort to find a therapist that fully appreciates a survivors problems.

Dave
 
Alan, I had a problem with pornography, I have no homosexual issues but my wife had a problem with the porn, she had an affair and it landed us in counseling. Some of the T's took us towards divorce but we remained together and found another T. We have been married for 19 years now and staying together is what saved my life, it helped me get counseling about the SA. I had burried it and the infidelity took me to my knees and forced me into therapy. Everyone is different and I dont know the full story but I would not give up on your marriage.
 
alan,

Any T that offers the kind of advise you an your wife got is overstepping boundaries except in the most extreme circumstances such as where you are abusing your wife or children or visa versa. I would suggest that any T that steers you in that direction probably has unresolved issues of their own.

My suggestion would be to interview your T. There is an excellent article that can be accessed from the home menu at the top of this page on selecting the best therapist. It might be worth the read.

I think Dave has it right when he says that the best T will aid his client in finding his own answers. That is what my T does. I go in and tell him what I've learned that week and we debrief. He answers any questions I may have, and tries to help me answer those ?'s by nudging my thought and offering differint scenario's that may have some meaning to me. Sometimes he's spot on and other times he's apparently off base, but he does not offer anything that has destructive possibilities.

Thanks for you candor, Friend. I wish you the best as you start this new chapter in your life.

Lots of love,

John
 
Thank you everyone for the comments. I know I'm not the only one who's every had this problem, but it is comforting to know that in this forum, those who have had similar experiences are here, and willing to share and encourage. When I arranged for the appointment I did ask the person taking my information if the counselor had experience dealing with my issues, SA included. She assured me he did. Also, I found the name of the practice here on this web site.
 
Also, I found the name of the practice here on this web site.
Click to expand...
That would tend to be a pretty good sign, my friend. :)

John
 
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