Starting real therapy in a couple weeks *Triggers*

[Cunobelin]

By "real therapy" I mean actually doing it and sticking with it. I'd tried, about 3-4 years ago, and once my therapist and I started actually talking about things, I bailed, just stopped going. She had no choice but to drop me as a client, and I do not fault her.

I've been on emotional downward spiral the last few months. Nightmares are common again. Strangest thing about them is I'm always a grown man in them, never my 8 year old self, yet my abuser and his wife have not aged. I shout at them, curse them, even punch and kick them, and it's completely ineffective, they don't even notice.

I'm angry at him. I'm angry that he would do such things to a little boy. I'm angry that he used his "pillar of the community" status as a weapon to keep me quiet. I'm angry that because of him, I have a severe distrust of the police. I'm very bitter that he could be so malignant that he could turn even "innocent" things into evil practices. Because of him, it's impacted my relationships and ability to be a good father to my children.

I'm angry at his wife. Not only did she know about the abuse, but she enabled it. It was her that "taught" me how to perform oral sex. It was her who would lie to my mother about all these wonderful things I'd done during the day, when I hadn't done likely any of them. I'm very angry and ashamed at myself that I have difficulty equating her with an abuser, when she was just as guilty.

I'm angry at my family. How did they not notice the talkative, outgoing boy had become quiet and isolative? How did they not notice the weight gain (I am still heavy)? Why did they not ask themselves why I was suddenly sleepwalking, or having "accidents" in my sleep? Why didn't they question when I was older why I was looking at very niche pornography? Typically 11-12 year olds don't search for the stuff I was unless they'd been exposed to it. Then I become ashamed at my anger, as none of them had or have any training or experience in this, and wouldn't know the signs, and that my mother herself had her own problems from childhood.

I'm angry at my ex- girlfriend, my first "real" girlfriend. She is still the only person I've ever told, and I was married almost 10 years (different woman). When I told her, I mean she was my love, she dumped me because I had "weirded her out". Then I become ashamed and embarrassed, as we were both young, and she likely did not know how to process the dark tale I told her.

I'm angry that my Dad never stepped up. Mom was a single mother, and tried her best. I don't fault her for placing me in that situation, as "on paper" it was ideal for childcare. I am angry at my Dad, though, as he was first pick, and declined. My goal is to always be a better Dad than him, so when my ex-wife needs me to keep our kids, I drop everything and do it.

I'm hyper-vigilant with my kids. Everyone is a potential predator, everyone has ulterior motives. That's madness, but it's my reality. I'm very overprotective, to the point I sometimes stymie their growth and maturity. They're getting older, but I still sometimes treat them like toddlers.

I'm angry and bitter that such simple things I'm proud of, things that other people just "do". Being able to not *have* to wear socks and shoes, being able to use public restrooms, being able to talk to male authority figures without looking down at my shoes, not saying "sorry" for every little thing.

I'm disgusted that *anyone* not only could, but would, do those things to a child. To introduce an 8 year old to sexuality, kink, and fetishism, it's just revolting.

I'm mostly angry at myself. Angry I never told anyone. Because of me, he and his wife likely victimized other boys. I know I wasn't his first victim. I'm angry that he never faced worldly punishment (I found out a few years ago he had died). I'm angry that I didn't fight him, that I just let him do those things to me. I never even screamed for help. I'm angry that it's taken me 25 years to finally do something about it.

I'm angry at whoever developed film for him. He and his wife didn't have a dark room, and he didn't use a Polaroid. Even back then a legitimate film developing company would have called the police.

I'm angry that I can't just "get over it". I've read so many horror stories, so many people who had it so much worse than me, and here I am wallowing.

Sorry this was so long and disjointed. I know I rambled throughout much of it.

 

[EQCR]

It is okay to be angry. It was not your fault. Nobody got hurt because of you, victims don't cause the pain, even with their silence. I am proud of you for going back to therapy, for asking for help with a problem that resists healing. After years of on again off again therapy for myself, I can tell you it isn't always a one and done, and every attempt is one more step in the right direction. I am not a therapist, but I would offer something that may help. Tell your kids the truth about why you are over-protective. Ask them to help you with it. Let them show you they have the power to protect themselves.

 

[Ceremony]

Welcome Cunobelin, your story will resonate here on MS, among those who understand you. I've found that, the practice of telling has added some help toward giving me a chance. There are so many complexities, and trying to find our way is burdensome.

Betrayal is well known in this community, and here, it's not taken lightly, we know how much pain there is. Neglect too, often overlooked, and add bullying, these too linger with us. You've noted there is worse, and beatings or something akin to tortures can be known here, yet, read the compassion from all of us, and we know one is suffering like each other. We're bonded to the kinship of that old and sometimes recent suffering. Compassion is well established here, validation helps.

Therapy is a road to helping recover. Healing from this takes more work than talk, our bodies and brain wiring need help too. This is a journey where sharing gives relief, and I welcome you, share brother, let it out. You've gotten off to a good start.

 

[woodenshoes]

Cunobelin

You need not apologize. I waited 40 years. It was not your fault it belongs on him. You will survive this and end up better for addressing what happened. It will take time to get through this with your therapist but hang in there.

Ws

 

[Dan99]

Cunobelin,

Good for you, man, for getting yourself in this position where you're taking action. I can so relate to the anger you're feeling.

If you're like me, therapy will be frustrating and slower than you want it to be. But it can help.

I won't be a bullshitter and say it will fix things. I don't think anything can ever fix what happened to us. But it can help.

Good luck and take care.

 

[Ceremony]

Hi Cunobelin, this supportive community can be a place to find feedback, and read others journey. I've had a lot of time to do so, it's been a blessing. I know many don't have that much time, and I've actually been on much less since the middle of summer, but I get back in for little stretches of time and quickly read a lot. I had wondered about your going back to therapy? I hope it's with someone you can discuss here? We have a variety of experience stories about the topic of therapists.

Best wishes.

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Cunobelin ...

So much anger.

Anger can be our ally ... but it can also be a powerful enemy.
It can spur us to action but it can also keep us paralyzed in the past ... and stuck in the present.
It cannot be eradicated and nor should it be ... but you can free yourself of much of it ...
with a little work.

I'm glad you have returned to therapy.

My 2 cents worth ...
Be 100% honest with the therapist even to the point of causing yourself much pain.
'no pain ... no gain.'
Being honest with him/her leads to the ability to be honest with yourself.
Holding back will get you absolutely nowhere.
I believe that most therapies that fail are for precisely that reason.
Many say "I AM being honest!" ... but if they stick with it they will find that isn't completely true.

By sharing of yourself you will be sharing insights from within yourself ... and from him/her.
Two heads are better than one ... especially if one of them has a diploma hanging on the wall.
Nobody can think of everything themselves.
There has to be input ... an outside catalyst ... in order to be able to 'think outside the box.'

Think about this.
Would you like to be a psychiatrist ... or a therapist?
Would you like to sit there hour after hour ... day after day ... listening to people's horror stories?
Trust me ... therapists aren't there for the money ... and shrinks aren't either. (but they make big bucks! ... as well they should)
Shrink ...8 years post undergraduate + 4 years for an MDA + 4 years residency.
Mental health therapist ... 4 years for Bachelor in Psychology + 2 years for a Masters
They do it because they genuinely want to help people ...
to help people to learn how to help themselves.

Trust them ... until they give you a VALID reason not to.

That is what therapy is all about.
Exploration ... understanding ...
and change.

Be gentle with yourself.

Sharky

 

[Rosx]

Cunobelin... That was an incredibly articulate and meaningful bout of honesty and I am so grateful that you shared it with us.

As someone who just began therapy myself, I'd like to thank you for opening up. I hope for myself that I can excersize the same level of openness when I work with my therapist.

Stand in power, brother.

 

[chairdesklamp]

Cunobelin--

I tell people about it, too. I have been fetishised since the moment I came to this continent. In my experience, partners, even some friends, and the living family I have (white side) only want me because it's not rape/serfdom, or it's not bad, if you do it to an Asian, because we're not people. I tell them as a defence, as a shield. "I know you want to hurt me. I see you."

On that note, here on MS, I actually get to be a person even once people know who I am. You're in a good place.

And I have a name for not being able to stand up for yourself. It can also cause you to be inable to, say, scream when hurt. Good Boy Syndrome.

 

[WG]

I would also say that you are in a good place - we here understand all that you've said. It took me, like woodenshoes said in an above post - years to tell anyone. Actually it was around 50 years before I said a word to anyone. You're doing the wise thing by going to a therapist. As was stated above :99% of them are NOT in it for the money. They're in it to assist others in their "stuff" to move on in their lives. I've gone to my T for 4 years now and its been worth every tear, every meltdown, every victory no matter how small, every breakthrough. Don't give up, don't think for a moment you're not worth the work. You are. If no one else in your life will tell you that, we in here will. We're here to walk this road beside you as brothers who understand.

 

[Cunobelin]

Sorry for making such a post and then just pulling a disappearing act. I had an absolute "meltdown" not long after making the post, and wound up hospitalized again. I thought I was ready to at least start talking about it, but no, I wasn't. I've been in in-home therapy now since the end of September. It's still a long, dark road, and I still get very anxious when therapy time rolls around, still have to fight the urge to bail. This isn't where I saw myself at 35 years old, but here it is. Thank you to everyone who responded, I'll try to respond to each one of you. Again, sorry for posting and then taking off.

 

[Cunobelin]

My therapist said the same thing; I cannot control if they went on to victimize others, and I'm not at fault. It's something I'm working on. As to telling my daughters, I'll tell them when they are older, as they are still too young to understand. Thank you for the response.

 

[Cunobelin]

Thank you for the kind words. Something my therapist is working on with me, whether I accept it or not (I still don't, maybe one day), is that no one had it better or worse than others, that suffering isn't something that can be measured. I don't know, I'm working on it.

 

[Cunobelin]

Thank you.

 

[Cunobelin]

Cunobelin,

Good for you, man, for getting yourself in this position where you're taking action. I can so relate to the anger you're feeling.

If you're like me, therapy will be frustrating and slower than you want it to be. But it can help.

I won't be a bullshitter and say it will fix things. I don't think anything can ever fix what happened to us. But it can help.

Good luck and take care.

It both moves too slowly, and too quickly, almost simultaneously. My therapist is patient, though, and that I appreciate.

 

[Ceremony]

Welcome back Cunobelin, this path to what lay ahead winds a lot, and seeing around the next curve is not always predictable. I think it's always changeable, to fit what needs we have, and can look after. I know that the energy needed to move at all can be a big part of having any progress. It may take weeks and months, you're worth that time. That's what's been part of my therapy, the self worth I need.

I think 2019 will start Ok for me, because I'm seeing that therapy has given me a path to self worth. I'm still putting in the work, and writing when I can. There are many times I am tired from work, but I get a bit of time and here I am to read, and listen. I think this is a good place to share, and find hope.

Best wishes.

 

[Cunobelin]

Welcome back Cunobelin, this path to what lay ahead winds a lot, and seeing around the next curve is not always predictable. I think it's always changeable, to fit what needs we have, and can look after. I know that the energy needed to move at all can be a big part of having any progress. It may take weeks and months, you're worth that time. That's what's been part of my therapy, the self worth I need.

I think 2019 will start Ok for me, because I'm seeing that therapy has given me a path to self worth. I'm still putting in the work, and writing when I can. There are many times I am tired from work, but I get a bit of time and here I am to read, and listen. I think this is a good place to share, and find hope.

Best wishes.

My therapist and I started working on DBT about a month ago, and while some of it has definitely helped, other parts are a real slog. My therapist has also suggested I start writing. I've tried, but end up shutting down after just starting. One day, I hope to at least write a page.

I wish you nothing but a good a healing 2019.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Cunobelin

Welcome back. Sorry you having been having a bad time, I'm glad you made it back it is a hard road we fallow. Thanks for sharing. I hope thing go well for you on your healing journey.

Therapy is some of the hardest times I have had. I have a very hard time to compartmentalize my Trauma's so they all come to the surface and break through. I have been diagnosed with cPTSD. It has been hard with everything coming out I have had it buried for years now some happen around 60 years ago now. When it comes out it is almost like it is still going on. It is hard but we are the tuff ones we have survived so maybe out of the pain will come something good.

I had never thought about my first trauma until after a session of EMDR. I was reading a post about a girl taking pictures of dogs at a shelter to be used for adoption purposes and was seriously attacked at this point I went strait to panic, when the panic was over I still had no idea why this had happened. The the next day I was listening to an old radio program. It was about a lady that would not turn over her dog that had attack a boy of 4 years old and if she didn't turn the dog over the boy would need injections for 22 days. I turned into a mess it all came back now like it was just happening. I had my ear ripped almost off in an attack from the neighbours dog when I was 3.5.

That is only one example of how things came back to me while in therapy that time. My therapy ended not long after that. the T was not there for me he missed more sessions than he made it to one the first one after the first try at EMDR.

I am kind of back in therapy again but had only one session and the day before I was called and told she had booked off. I ask for how long they didn't know but told me I would here something with in 2.5 weeks that was back in November so I am not sure whats up. I see my Psychiatrist next week and I told my doctor last week he is going to try and find out when she will be back or I will be on the hunt for another.

Best of luck
Esterio