Start Somewhere

Start Somewhere

NC17

New Registrant
My brother recommended this community and I've been waffling on posting for a few weeks but here I am.

My abuser was my step-mother. It ranged...from physical attacks, verbal lashings and mental games. For years I let it fuel me. The hate, the adrenal rush, the gnashing of teeth and clenched fists. It's just a disease she left in me. I'd rather die trying than give into her.

So I took risks, placed myself in situations that would have provided a "honorable" death, if that was my fate. I felt suicide was securing her victory. It was an insatiable hunger to reach the brink and scream back.

But I question myself, even to this day. "Am I really just a liar? Broken and deluded?" "Did I make it all up?"
I know it's her voice, or at least the voice I created from the moment, but it remains on loop.

Few were there for me, most of the struggle I carried alone. Either consumed in their own material world or wrapped in the web my step-mother spun, loved ones and friends did not rescue me. My father, a coward. My mother, consumed by her own turmoil and consumerism.

Survival was the priority and while it has conflicted with my growth as man, it's has been the only existence I know.

A liar, a troubled boy/man, inherently aggressive, emotionally compromised. The product of a greater lie.

But I persevered and found success. I found love. I've brought children into this world. I've found my calling. I continue to climb, even with the weight, fueled by emotions.

This all changed in the summer of 2018. My brother (mentioned above) reached out, hoping to talk...run some things by me. What transpired was the crack in the dam. Outside of a few specific differences in timing and circumstance, he and I shared a similar fate. While I was (mostly) aware of my outcome, he was not and it had taken a toll on him when the world came down around him. We found respite in each others stories and he is the reason I sought professional help again. I had tried in the past but I was never in the proper mindset or they had nothing for me to gain.

Unfortunately, thought this work, I've realized the abuse I once knew was like a white sheet over abuse, sexual in nature. I wore the physical and mental side as a badge of honor. I overcame this. I survived and I will conquer it.

The sexual context, I was unprepared for. As if a lake was turned over, dredging up experiences that my brain tried to hide. There is no banner to wave, no primal cry.

I struggle with knowing how to tell my story, the things I'd like to say to her, the way I can explain my hate and fear to the family I've made.

It's an albatross we carry, the shame and hate that weighs down our neck, keeps us facing the dirt.

Frankly, I don't know what I'll get from this. Refuge? Comfort? Communal aspects? I'm not sure. Regardless, if not spoken into the universe, it will only eat us alive.
 
I echo the welcome to MS. I think you will find a surprising amount of support and camaraderie here. I have only been here a short time but I am truly amazed by this site and the guys here
 
Welcome NC,

Hope you find this place a comfort. It would be preferable to not be a member here or qualified to be here, I have found that talking with others here has helped me. Talking with others of Hope and healing has highlighted my own path toward that and has been a medicine to my heart.

Welcome.

Sawyer
 
Welcome NC,

Hope you find this place a comfort. It would be preferable to not be a member here or qualified to be here, I have found that talking with others here has helped me. Talking with others of Hope and healing has highlighted my own path toward that and has been a medicine to my heart.

Welcome.

Sawyer

I understand and experience this. Truthfully, I want to tell my story in the hope I can save someone else the pain and emotional exhaustion these circumstances established in us all.

I fear telling it because I question the validity, I don’t want to bring attention to myself.

But I pine greatly to spill my guts and lay it all out. I would hope it would bring someone forward so that we can share stories and overcome together.

it’s just the shame that holds you back.
 
I fear telling it because I question the validity, I don’t want to bring attention to myself.

But I pine greatly to spill my guts and lay it all out. I would hope it would bring someone forward so that we can share stories and overcome together.

it’s just the shame that holds you back.
No one here is going to question your validity. Here is one place you can be sure that you will always be believed

And there are many who will share with you and you them. We overcome this together. You are not alone with this anymore
 
“But I pine greatly to spill my guts and lay it all out.”

@NC17 it is ironic that the thing we are the most ashamed of, the thing we are most afraid of someone else discovering is the very thing we ache to share.

Know that this is a safe place where you can share without judgement. Share as you feel comfortable. I wish you strength and peace on your healing journey. Greg
 
I would echo the other men here and say sharing here or with another person is something we come to and it is up to the individual to decide when to do that. No one will question what happened to you as invalid. We experience a wide emotional spectrum when we remember or share shame is one emotion that we experience but there is no room for shame here you are among friends.

Having said that should you have any issues mods are here to keep this place safe.

Sawyer
 
I'm late to the conversation but I want to chime in NC-17... love that name by the way. My life has definitely deserved that rating... if it had been posted it is likely a great many women who succumbed to my charm would have kept their distance...

Our stories are always unfolding and if we're willing to be honest in looking at how things unfolded, there is a possibility we can heal the places in ourselves that were damaged along the way. Clearly you've already begun that process with your brother and through professional help which is a fine beginning. You continue the healing process by introducing yourself to a group of strangers hanging out on a website for men sexually abused as infants, youths, teens and young men. Doubtless you've already concluded that this is a pretty safe place to talk about these matters. It is. Men here know this territory from first hand experience. I've never heard a story that didn't illicit responses from men who had exactly the same experience early in life. There really are only so many ways a boy can be fucked up and we've encountered them all.

All I know is that being here has given me the opportunity to take some risks in telling parts of my story that have been so laden with shame that they were buried deep. I needed to release that material, to tell MYSELF the full truth by telling the truth to the men here. For many days after I'd written about my experience with cross-dressing no one posted a comment. I felt me doubts rising, my shame nibbling at the edge. Then someone posted a comment... and another. Of course, not everyone has slipped into that rabbit hole, but the men who commented understood how the sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of my mother would be the roots of that behavior. I needed to tell that truth.

I don't know what you have to say about the sexual abuse but your choice of user name suggests there is something you are carrying that is painful. I encourage you to take the risk to speak YOUR truth. Check the different forums on this website and select the one that makes the most sense. I've posted on a number of them. Survivors of Female Abuse has been an important forum for many of us. You may wish to check that out. Sexual Identity Issues forum has also been important for me. We are here to listen and to support one another as we heal. I'm glad you found us. You are not alone with ANY of this...
 
hi nc, i would suggest that u write it all down it helps to get it out u can burn it after if u wish but the act of writting it down will definatly help u out , my T has had me do this on a few occasions it found it really helped me so try it out. bb
 
Regardless, if not spoken into the universe, it will only eat us alive.

Truth!!! May you and your brother find your voices and take back what she stole from you.
 
My brother recommended this community and I've been waffling on posting for a few weeks but here I am.

My abuser was my step-mother. It ranged...from physical attacks, verbal lashings and mental games. For years I let it fuel me. The hate, the adrenal rush, the gnashing of teeth and clenched fists. It's just a disease she left in me. I'd rather die trying than give into her.

So I took risks, placed myself in situations that would have provided a "honorable" death, if that was my fate. I felt suicide was securing her victory. It was an insatiable hunger to reach the brink and scream back.

But I question myself, even to this day. "Am I really just a liar? Broken and deluded?" "Did I make it all up?"
I know it's her voice, or at least the voice I created from the moment, but it remains on loop.

Few were there for me, most of the struggle I carried alone. Either consumed in their own material world or wrapped in the web my step-mother spun, loved ones and friends did not rescue me. My father, a coward. My mother, consumed by her own turmoil and consumerism.

Survival was the priority and while it has conflicted with my growth as man, it's has been the only existence I know.

A liar, a troubled boy/man, inherently aggressive, emotionally compromised. The product of a greater lie.

But I persevered and found success. I found love. I've brought children into this world. I've found my calling. I continue to climb, even with the weight, fueled by emotions.

This all changed in the summer of 2018. My brother (mentioned above) reached out, hoping to talk...run some things by me. What transpired was the crack in the dam. Outside of a few specific differences in timing and circumstance, he and I shared a similar fate. While I was (mostly) aware of my outcome, he was not and it had taken a toll on him when the world came down around him. We found respite in each others stories and he is the reason I sought professional help again. I had tried in the past but I was never in the proper mindset or they had nothing for me to gain.

Unfortunately, thought this work, I've realized the abuse I once knew was like a white sheet over abuse, sexual in nature. I wore the physical and mental side as a badge of honor. I overcame this. I survived and I will conquer it.

The sexual context, I was unprepared for. As if a lake was turned over, dredging up experiences that my brain tried to hide. There is no banner to wave, no primal cry.

I struggle with knowing how to tell my story, the things I'd like to say to her, the way I can explain my hate and fear to the family I've made.

It's an albatross we carry, the shame and hate that weighs down our neck, keeps us facing the dirt.

Frankly, I don't know what I'll get from this. Refuge? Comfort? Communal aspects? I'm not sure. Regardless, if not spoken into the universe, it will only eat us alive.
We sound very similar NC17. I KNOW it was real for you and for me. And I know we were all meant to find each other.
 
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