Spouses/partners that change during process

Spouses/partners that change during process
S

sweet-n-sour

Registrant
I was reading about how spouses/partners of abuse survivors are drawn into the relationship (with an abuse survivor) in the first place because of their own issues; be it co-dependency, being survivors themselves, ect..
The chapter also pointed out that as an abuse survivor works to heal; the significant other needs to work on changes within themself as well. Since as an end result there is sort of a redefining of the relationship adapting and personal growth is crucial.
Any thoughts or insight on this?
 
In our case, it was me who went to therapy first.....I had known about some of the SA for some time, but neither of us realised the enormity of it for a good 2 years....we had a 2 year old and I think my mum must have been quite concerned about me, cause she kind of pushed me into seeing someone. So it was me who started to change first, finally leading me to insist he went to see someone too, although not specifically relating to his SA.

Now I've been seeing someone for a year 1/2, he's been seeing the same T for 1 year and since I finally put two and two together about the SA and so many of our issues(after a bit of snooping and a load of drama), he's also seeing a more specifically trained t weekly.

As far as changing is concerned, I have had to become a much stronger woman. It's been a very gradual thing, but I've learned to get angry and realise it's ok. I'm realising I've enabled him in all kinds of negative behaviours. I've let him use me, abuse me, emotionally abuse me.....I've had to realise I've been verbally abusive(not very pleasant). I realise I've been totally powerless and all in all the whole thing is really quite sad, but I'm trying to work on things continually.

At the moment I'm coming to realise just how much is missing for me in our relationship...how he avoids all situations of intimacy(and I actually mean mostly talking). As far as I can see, we don't really have much of a relationship at all, except he still wants all the physical side of things to continue. I've already been very clear about the fact I can no longer have sex without intimacy, but I'm starting to find that I now also feel uncomfortable about even hugging/kissing etc. I feel so ignored. Currently on trying to address issues which I feel are important (boundaries etc), he says he feels 'pushed' into talking. Then he tells me, it's not to do with me, but all the same the way he actually treats me in these conversations leaves me feeling hated. He hardly shares anything of his own emotions with me either. Consequentially, I don't feel comfortable 'touching' to any degree. I feel he's playing games with me constantly as far as 'testing' me about if he should bother talking to me or not, but we've been together 12 Years! He knows I'd marry him if he asked. I've practically worshiped the man for years. I've been nothing but supportive through all of this so far, but now I'm running out of steam. We've got two kids and under the circumstances, I feel trapped at the moment.

As far as how much both people change, it seems to me a very wise thing for both to be in therapy. I should have done that years ago, then maybe I wouldn't have ended so screwed up.

sorry to paint my own grim picture. It's quite up and down from day to day :rolleyes:

peace,
Beccy
 
Beccy, I'm w/ you - I haven't received hardly anything at all from him our whole marriage, I've been like a single mother. I just suggested we go to a movie tomorrow night and he said, "I'll think about it." We never go anywhere - or rather, *I* never get to go anywhere. No dates ever. Nothing. So now he won't even go to a movie. Probably he thinks I'll expect hand holding or sex or something so far-fetched. I JUST WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE!!!

And he works late tonight, and then tomorrow is too late to get a sitter.

:-(
 
for me going to a movie would be about ten minutes of movie ,with 2 hours of time to think,and no matter how i try i always think about the same thing ,the abuse .its when i'm quiet like at a movie that the thoughts just come , maybe thats why he dont want to go ,it would have nothing to do with you,it would just be the same old survivor shit . but thats just me cant speak for anybody else .for me anytime my mind tries to rest the thoughts come floating up. adam
 
Wow shadow, really? I always thought it was the perfect *escape* from thinking. Wow, I never thought about that. He used to literally jump at the chance to go to movies, he used to rent like 6 and watch them one after another. He used to say that's how he relaxes. I think maybe you're right, maybe his issues aren't letting him rest at all now. I know he did not sleep at all last night. I just think they're taking over his mind....they must be. Gosh, I don't know how he could escape them then. He usually dives into work but even that might not keep the thoughts at bay anymore.
 
sounds so much like me ,work to keep busy ,not able to sleep cause of dreams ,work more sleep less ,its like driving downhill with no brakes ,its one of the main reasons i am addicted to meth , i have to keep going somehow.stopping lets all the crap catch up to me.its like running a race with the devil right behind . shadow
 
SnS,

The chapter also pointed out that as an abuse survivor works to heal; the significant other needs to work on changes within themself as well. Since as an end result there is sort of a redefining of the relationship adapting and personal growth is crucial.
Click to expand...
That is so true, and it's one of the main reasons why I think it's vital to keep communicating as honestly as possible. As things improve (assuming that they do improve), both the survivor and his partner see with greater and greater clarity how messed up things had become in the past. That is sometimes VERY difficult to take, and unless the two can talk about it and deal with things as they come up, there can build up a lot of shame and guilt for the survivor and resentment and bitterness for his partner - not exactly healthy for either or for the relationship.

Much love,
Larry
 
Shadow, as I read again of your mention of meth, pleeeeeeeeeeease I beg you to take care of yourself. Drugs will take their toll on your young body and mind. I know, easier said than done. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad that you need the "relief" drugs bring you. My heart really goes out to you.

Well, I just mentioned the movie again to my hus. over the phone (he's still at work) and he said he wouldn't mind going, he just didn't want to pay a sitter $60. Well, because that's what it cost the LAST time we went because we also went to dinner w/ friends and it was over 5 months ago. So anyway. Whatever.

Larry, I see your point very clearly about communication being so important. I can tell my husband is very sensitive to me bringing up the abuse, so I don't really do it in detail as in asking if he's having any dreams or memories or whatever. I would like to know everything that's going on w/ him. I think since he may still be in the denial stage (not denying it happened, just denying the effects of it and that it was a BAD, BAD thing that was done to him), he is very touchy about it, even defensive. I hope that w/ time this will change so that we can get it all out in the open and examine it. It is painful for ME right now because we can't talk about it. And the effects are so HUGE and obvious to ME. I seem to remember the last time I tried to say something about how he might be feeling he barked, "Don't tell me how I feel!" and I knew then that I will forever *never presume* how he is feeling or what he may be thinking again. I am learning so much from all of you so that I *will* know how to handle things as they come up.

I still have my appt w/ the T Mon. a.m. I doubt he will go w/ me this time, and I knew better than to get my hopes up too high, and I know I must be very patient, and soon he goes out of the country for 2 wks, work-related. So it will be a long wait till we can hope again he will see my T.

But at least w/ learning about the abuse, and how it affects the relationship, it's almost like neither partner is to blame for the problems that have been previously, because it was the ABUSE causing them, is how I see it now anyway. Where before I thought he was a jerk because he wouldn't hold my hand or some minor thing, there were very real reasons for it, painful ones for him, so that I cannot blame him any longer. It makes me actually feel bad for the resentment I had of him at the time, but then how could I have possibly known or understood then? Now I will say that I am NOT happy about the fact that he has been very unavailable/rejecting to me sexually for most of our marriage and now I know he's had a drive all along, he's just shared it elsewhere and that totally HURTS LIKE HELL. And that is something that I will eventually have to get help dealing w/ on my own and hopefully won't feel the need to hold it over his head because that could prevent us from mending our marriage.
 
So,

further thinking on how much I'm having to change; a good way to say it would be that basically I'm learning to very clearly express and explain all the things that bother me. And there's a LOT! However this would never have been possible before, because back then bf couldn't take anything like that and it was only ever a downward spiral of dysfunctional behaviour from both of us. I think in the end I forgot I'd ever wanted/needed more, so it was just normality to me. And in the beginning I wasn't confident enough/trusting in my own feelings and bf's emotionally blackmailing behaviour made me constantly doubt what I thought i might want or not.

Last night we talked finally. He made it clear that he'd been wanting to talk since his last appointment, but had numerous reasons in his head as to why we couldn't. He hadn't wanted to upset me with the details/I had enough of my own 'stuff' going on etc. I feel this is not so much about me, but how he would have felt towards his mother. Constantly involved/responsible for her emotionally. So, a few more details came out in that last appointment and when he came home, it was like it mirrored the past. It's just so hard for me to win in these situations. I don't want to push for information, so I ask him if he'd like to talk. He says no, I respect that, back off and busy myself. Then he's distant from me for days. Well, this time I trusted the feeling he was distancing himself. In the context of all the missing intimacy, I realised I didn't want him to touch me at all and so it had to be talked about.

It's ok again now and we hugged in the end and felt closer. How both people change seems to be a constant thing. I think it's about learning new healthier ways to deal with and address emotional issues. It's such hard work. I find I'm exhausted on a regular basis at the moment, especially with two children to look after.


peace,
Beccy
 
I went to therapy after a particularly messy arguement we had recently(I was totally out of line and said some things that were not very nice).

Anyway, I thought maybe I needed to hear someone else's perspective on the situation. What the T told me was very insightful (and something I had always suspected of myself). I have a fear of abandonment, and exhibit some co-dependency behaviours, and this was causing my fiance to pull away even more - and want complete control of the situation.

I have only been to a couple of sessions, but I see that I have already made some progress, and am encouraged by the improvement in my relationship with my fiance. Both of us need to be able to communicate effectively with the other, otherwise we are going to go through more of what we just went through.

So, in our case, I know I also have some things I need to work on if I want our relationship to succeed.
Kishka
 
Thanks everyone for sharing your personal experiences.
Although the disclosure that my husband is a csa survivor is relatively new, I have been trying to understand the "how and why" for nearly twenty years now. Although I have always been open about my feelings and issues with our relationship and have always asked him about his feelings/issues about our relationship; he has always been more of the type to avoid anything of unpleasantness. For a very long time I realised that even if I voiced my frustrations regarding anything that has bothered me; it all was pretty much ignored. At least speaking up made me feel better. In the light of today I have hope. The more I read; the more I understand. I know husband loves me just as he knows I love him.
We are in therapy together which is a BIG indicator that he's willing to work on everything.
What I'd like to learn through the help of the therapist is how to address the issues without making my husband feel any worse about himself. I have nearly twenty years of built up resentment but right now husband's needs seem more important than my own. He has so much he needs to face and I hope that as he faces the csa that he'll find the happiness that he deserves and it will sort of trickle over into the other portions of his life.
We are still at the beginning stages of his healing and I know it all takes a great bit of time.
I have co-dependant tendencies and I'm learning not to be so controlling where husband is concerned. He needs to decide how he wants to live and I need to learn to take care of me. Although I'd love to step in to remove all of the pain he's suffered from and is still suffering from; it is simply not possible. I'm trying like crazy not to allow what happened to him as a boy to define our relationship now. We've had some excellent years together. It probably has not been quite that "excellent" for the past five. NOT too bad in the scheme of things.
Well, that is all I wanted to say.
Thanks for letting me know that life is full of struggles; relationships take hard work and that communication through what is ahead is the key to come out of this better for the experience and "together."
 
Definately communication is the key...

Even though me and bf keep going through such horribly difficult stages, each time we manage to talk properly and have some patience, we have felt genuinely closer after. So much of the time it feels to me like really we're getting together properly, like we never did the first time. Except with the added confusion and emotionally related feelings built up over 12 years! Hopefully we'll 'grow' in the same direction....

good luck to you in the whole process, it sounds like you're doing everything you possibly could be.

peace,
Beccy
 
sweet-n-sour,

Your original post on this thread went right to the heart of the matter between myself and my wife.

Both of us are survivors. We've learned in therapy that we were attracted to each other in part because our our issues meshed (read opposites attract)

We've also learned that those same difference can be our biggest strength if we're willing to do the hard work necessary to move past these issues.
The chapter also pointed out that as an abuse survivor works to heal; the significant other needs to work on changes within themselves as well. Since as an end result there is sort of a redefining of the relationship adapting and personal growth is crucial.
Click to expand...
That is where we are now. I started my recovery road several years ago and my wife is finding herself having feeling backed into a corner, wanting to change, but lashing out at me in anger. It's a tough row to hoe for both of us right now.

So yeah, growth on the part of both partners is important, but man, it can be challenging.

Lots of love,

John
 
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