Spoke at a local sexual abuse awareness rally
I spoke at our local Sexual Abuse Awareness Rally. It was a great though difficult experience. The text of the speech is below along with an article which appeared the day after the rally.
Speech --
I am not different than many of you in the audience here today. Many people have no idea that my life is anything other than ordinary. I am a married man who last year celebrated my 25th anniversary. I have a job I love. I have never battled chemical addictions. I did well in school from elementary grades through college graduation. You will not find any behavior problems in my past at all. I have served on boards of local community groups and frequently have held leadership positions in organizations to which I belong.
I am also the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. From the age of 2 to 13 I was sexually abused by an uncle. Like many other abuse survivors, it was not a stranger but some one known to me and may parents. My uncle and his wife lived half a block from my childhood home in a duplex they shared with my Great grandparents. Most childhood sexual abuse perpetrators are known to the child, some estimates are as high as 80% of the perpetrators are known to the child. Teach your child to be wary of strangers, but also teach them that no one can touch them in a sexual way. My uncle began molesting me at such an early age that I did not know that everyone didnt have people who abused them, not that abuse was the word I thought of when thinking of my uncle. I wish my parents told me early on that no one should do the things my uncle did to me.
Sexual abuse is all too common in our society; numbers vary but most seem to agree that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be the victims of sexual abuse in their lifetime. For both men and women it is often not reported to authorities, so the numbers may be even higher. In my case, the abuse began at such a young age that I thought it was normal. As I became older, my uncle began to tell me not to tell anyone about what, as he put it, we did together. He verbally included me in the commission of the sex acts as a willingly participant, not as the unknowing victim I was. Later, he also began telling me that my parents wouldnt believe me if I told them and that they would be angry with me. I learned from him to keep how I felt to myself and not to trust even those closest to me. Eventually I was even able to totally block out thinking about what my uncle did to me. It was as if it was happening to someone else not me.
I made it through my childhood by working very hard to make sure that no one had any reason to be angry with me or to not like me. I became very good at being what people wanted from me. At home, I tried to be the best son I could be. In school I worked hard and made good grades. I began trying to earn my own money at an early age. While in Junior High school I sold greeting cards door to door, had a paper route, and worked in a restaurant. The one thing I did not do is develop close and lasting friendships. It was easier for me to keep my secret if no one really knew me. No one I knew during this period in my life would have guessed that I was being abused. Abuse victims become very good at keeping secrets. That lack of close friendships is something that continued long after the abuse ended. I was even finally able to keep the abuse a secret from myself. I blocked it out of my conscious thought until I was 40 years old. I had many of the symptoms of a sexual abuse victim, but did not realize I was one. My weight, isolation and later anxiety attacks were all symptoms, but the memory of the abuse was out there waiting for me.
When I first began remembering the abuse, I thought I was losing my mind. How could I even think such things had happened to me? I had a good childhood, right? I grew up surrounded by family, in a home with both my parents. I never had problems like I thought victims had. Later, though, the details I was remembering were to clear to be anything other than real. I began using the psychology degree I received in college to think through what was happening to me. I could see I had the symptoms shared my many abuse survivors. I went from being a thin child to a heavy one at the same time that the time I spent with my uncle increased. I had difficulty making close friends, although I had many acquaintances. I had low self esteem, was having trouble sleeping and feeling depressed. I went to a therapist and began piecing the memories together and dealing with the anxiety I was having. Later I discussed my memories with other family members and confirmed the truth of the memories I was having. It really did happen.
Now I was in the wonderful position of being a victim of a crime, committed by someone who was now dead and a crime no man ever would openly admit to being a victim of. Men rarely will admit to being the victim of anything or one. Let alone to admit that they were raped. It is no surprise to me that cases often go un-prosecuted due to lack of testimony by the victim. I knew both as a child and later as an adult that you dont talk about this. This is true to some degree for both men and women due to the embarrassment. However, it is important to realize the special difficulties a male face when acknowledging sexual abuse. Having been the victim of sexual abuse can cause males to become the butt of jokes, to have their sexuality questioned, they can even be told they are lucky to have been abused in the abuser happens to be a female.. In the past few months, local radio show hosts have said that male children who have been seduced by female adults are the envy of their peers. We as a society have difficulty accepting that boys can be raped and not just by men. Clearly we dont talk about this, but the isolation caused by not being able to talk about the abuse can become unbearable. I worked with a couple of therapists, but still felt like I was the only one this ever happened to. Intellectually, I knew that was not true but at my sessions, I was the only one there, neither of my therapists were fellow survivors. I finally found a website for the support of male survivors. That was a tremendous help, but being at the end of a keyboard, I still felt alone in this. I heard about a retreat for male survivors in California. That was my first breakthrough from the isolation to knowing I was not the only one in both my head and my heart. I finally found that place where the secret could safely be shared. I was believed and others had been through the same things themselves.
When I returned home from the retreat, I missed the feeling I had there and attended several other retreats around the country and began looking for a group here. I wanted a group for men only because there are different issues for men than those of female survivors. For a long time I could not find anything. Eventually, I did find a group that met at Manatee Glens and it helped a great deal. Due to a change in my employment though, I could no longer attend that group. I had tried to start my own group prior to finding the Manatee Glens group, after my schedule changed, I went back to starting my own. After over a year of advertising in the local papers, I found 2 men to meet with. One dropped out but the other man worked with a vengeance to get the group going. Using brochures I wrote, he contacted every therapist and self help group he could think of and finally there are now 8 of us that meet on a regular basis.
Having a group of trusted fellow survivors is a great gift. What I have learned from that group, is that the secret hurts much more than the abuse itself. The words Dont tell anyone that so many perps tell their victims can be life altering. By all means talk about it with someone. It is only when both men and women can openly talk about dealing with the results of abuse that we as a society will begin to deal with the issue. As long as we are too embarrassed to let people know about this, kids will continue to be sexually abused by both strangers and people they trust to take care of them.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men. Look around this crowd and think 25% of the women and more than 15% of the men will be victims at some time. Its time we help the victims recover. The effects are hard to life with, even if the survivor is gifted at hiding it. You cannot look around this crowd and identify who the survivors are. They come from all walks of life. All income brackets, races, sexes. You could be living with someone who is a survivor and not know it. You need to keep your eyes and ears open. Let the children in your life know they can come to you with anything. Watch, listen, pay attention.
If you are a survivor, find someone you can talk to about it. It will only be ignored or denied for a limited time. Eventually, it will affect your daily life if you dont deal with it. You can move from being a victim to being a survivor. Recovery is totally possible with a fully happy life. It will take work, but it is worth it.
Article --
Abuse survivors finally speaking out
By YVETTE KIMM
[email protected]
BRADENTON -- Quietly but with steely resolve, Ken Followell told a crowd of strangers about a secret he's been living with for more than 40 years.
An uncle sexually abused Followell when he was 2. Scared and confused, he never told anyone about the abuse. Until now.
"Kids keep getting abused because they think they're the only ones, and I'm committed to have kids talk about it and have it stopped," Followell, 47, said. "It's not easy for men or women to speak out, but for men, it has a whole host of issues that keep our mouths shut."
Followell was one of several sexual abuse survivors who told their story Thursday at a rally held at the Bradenton City Centre in observance of National Sexual Assault Awareness Day. The rally, sponsored by Manatee Glens Rape Crisis Program, was one of dozens held across the country.
"It's a day to think about prevention of sexual assault and to provide support to survivors of sexual assault," Linda Herbert, Manatee Glens rape crisis supervisor, said. "It's our chance to educate the public about the problem of sexual assault in our community."
Herbert said only 37 percent of all rapes are reported to the police, and one in six boys are sexually assaulted before the age of 16.
Survivor Ann Wells, 44, walked around handing out fluorescent pink buttons that said, "TOO" because, she said, "sexual assault happens too often to too many people." Handing out the buttons, Wells said, often leads to a conversation with others about rape and survival.
"Sometimes it takes a long time before you speak out. You have to be ready, but finally when you get tired of the silence, secrets and hiding, you feel ready to come out," Wells said.
She attends a support group for sexual abuse survivors at Manatee Glens that she finds very helpful. That's how she became one of the speakers at Thursday's rally.
"The whole process of speaking out probably began when I was about 37 years old," Wells said. She said she is compelled to do it, no matter how hard it is, because the pain is too great to remain silent.
For more information on how to volunteer at Sexual Assault Awareness Month events or for information on rape prevention education trainings, call Linda Herbert at 782-4100.
Last modified: April 07. 2006 4:30AM
Speech --
I am not different than many of you in the audience here today. Many people have no idea that my life is anything other than ordinary. I am a married man who last year celebrated my 25th anniversary. I have a job I love. I have never battled chemical addictions. I did well in school from elementary grades through college graduation. You will not find any behavior problems in my past at all. I have served on boards of local community groups and frequently have held leadership positions in organizations to which I belong.
I am also the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. From the age of 2 to 13 I was sexually abused by an uncle. Like many other abuse survivors, it was not a stranger but some one known to me and may parents. My uncle and his wife lived half a block from my childhood home in a duplex they shared with my Great grandparents. Most childhood sexual abuse perpetrators are known to the child, some estimates are as high as 80% of the perpetrators are known to the child. Teach your child to be wary of strangers, but also teach them that no one can touch them in a sexual way. My uncle began molesting me at such an early age that I did not know that everyone didnt have people who abused them, not that abuse was the word I thought of when thinking of my uncle. I wish my parents told me early on that no one should do the things my uncle did to me.
Sexual abuse is all too common in our society; numbers vary but most seem to agree that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be the victims of sexual abuse in their lifetime. For both men and women it is often not reported to authorities, so the numbers may be even higher. In my case, the abuse began at such a young age that I thought it was normal. As I became older, my uncle began to tell me not to tell anyone about what, as he put it, we did together. He verbally included me in the commission of the sex acts as a willingly participant, not as the unknowing victim I was. Later, he also began telling me that my parents wouldnt believe me if I told them and that they would be angry with me. I learned from him to keep how I felt to myself and not to trust even those closest to me. Eventually I was even able to totally block out thinking about what my uncle did to me. It was as if it was happening to someone else not me.
I made it through my childhood by working very hard to make sure that no one had any reason to be angry with me or to not like me. I became very good at being what people wanted from me. At home, I tried to be the best son I could be. In school I worked hard and made good grades. I began trying to earn my own money at an early age. While in Junior High school I sold greeting cards door to door, had a paper route, and worked in a restaurant. The one thing I did not do is develop close and lasting friendships. It was easier for me to keep my secret if no one really knew me. No one I knew during this period in my life would have guessed that I was being abused. Abuse victims become very good at keeping secrets. That lack of close friendships is something that continued long after the abuse ended. I was even finally able to keep the abuse a secret from myself. I blocked it out of my conscious thought until I was 40 years old. I had many of the symptoms of a sexual abuse victim, but did not realize I was one. My weight, isolation and later anxiety attacks were all symptoms, but the memory of the abuse was out there waiting for me.
When I first began remembering the abuse, I thought I was losing my mind. How could I even think such things had happened to me? I had a good childhood, right? I grew up surrounded by family, in a home with both my parents. I never had problems like I thought victims had. Later, though, the details I was remembering were to clear to be anything other than real. I began using the psychology degree I received in college to think through what was happening to me. I could see I had the symptoms shared my many abuse survivors. I went from being a thin child to a heavy one at the same time that the time I spent with my uncle increased. I had difficulty making close friends, although I had many acquaintances. I had low self esteem, was having trouble sleeping and feeling depressed. I went to a therapist and began piecing the memories together and dealing with the anxiety I was having. Later I discussed my memories with other family members and confirmed the truth of the memories I was having. It really did happen.
Now I was in the wonderful position of being a victim of a crime, committed by someone who was now dead and a crime no man ever would openly admit to being a victim of. Men rarely will admit to being the victim of anything or one. Let alone to admit that they were raped. It is no surprise to me that cases often go un-prosecuted due to lack of testimony by the victim. I knew both as a child and later as an adult that you dont talk about this. This is true to some degree for both men and women due to the embarrassment. However, it is important to realize the special difficulties a male face when acknowledging sexual abuse. Having been the victim of sexual abuse can cause males to become the butt of jokes, to have their sexuality questioned, they can even be told they are lucky to have been abused in the abuser happens to be a female.. In the past few months, local radio show hosts have said that male children who have been seduced by female adults are the envy of their peers. We as a society have difficulty accepting that boys can be raped and not just by men. Clearly we dont talk about this, but the isolation caused by not being able to talk about the abuse can become unbearable. I worked with a couple of therapists, but still felt like I was the only one this ever happened to. Intellectually, I knew that was not true but at my sessions, I was the only one there, neither of my therapists were fellow survivors. I finally found a website for the support of male survivors. That was a tremendous help, but being at the end of a keyboard, I still felt alone in this. I heard about a retreat for male survivors in California. That was my first breakthrough from the isolation to knowing I was not the only one in both my head and my heart. I finally found that place where the secret could safely be shared. I was believed and others had been through the same things themselves.
When I returned home from the retreat, I missed the feeling I had there and attended several other retreats around the country and began looking for a group here. I wanted a group for men only because there are different issues for men than those of female survivors. For a long time I could not find anything. Eventually, I did find a group that met at Manatee Glens and it helped a great deal. Due to a change in my employment though, I could no longer attend that group. I had tried to start my own group prior to finding the Manatee Glens group, after my schedule changed, I went back to starting my own. After over a year of advertising in the local papers, I found 2 men to meet with. One dropped out but the other man worked with a vengeance to get the group going. Using brochures I wrote, he contacted every therapist and self help group he could think of and finally there are now 8 of us that meet on a regular basis.
Having a group of trusted fellow survivors is a great gift. What I have learned from that group, is that the secret hurts much more than the abuse itself. The words Dont tell anyone that so many perps tell their victims can be life altering. By all means talk about it with someone. It is only when both men and women can openly talk about dealing with the results of abuse that we as a society will begin to deal with the issue. As long as we are too embarrassed to let people know about this, kids will continue to be sexually abused by both strangers and people they trust to take care of them.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men. Look around this crowd and think 25% of the women and more than 15% of the men will be victims at some time. Its time we help the victims recover. The effects are hard to life with, even if the survivor is gifted at hiding it. You cannot look around this crowd and identify who the survivors are. They come from all walks of life. All income brackets, races, sexes. You could be living with someone who is a survivor and not know it. You need to keep your eyes and ears open. Let the children in your life know they can come to you with anything. Watch, listen, pay attention.
If you are a survivor, find someone you can talk to about it. It will only be ignored or denied for a limited time. Eventually, it will affect your daily life if you dont deal with it. You can move from being a victim to being a survivor. Recovery is totally possible with a fully happy life. It will take work, but it is worth it.
Article --
Abuse survivors finally speaking out
By YVETTE KIMM
[email protected]
BRADENTON -- Quietly but with steely resolve, Ken Followell told a crowd of strangers about a secret he's been living with for more than 40 years.
An uncle sexually abused Followell when he was 2. Scared and confused, he never told anyone about the abuse. Until now.
"Kids keep getting abused because they think they're the only ones, and I'm committed to have kids talk about it and have it stopped," Followell, 47, said. "It's not easy for men or women to speak out, but for men, it has a whole host of issues that keep our mouths shut."
Followell was one of several sexual abuse survivors who told their story Thursday at a rally held at the Bradenton City Centre in observance of National Sexual Assault Awareness Day. The rally, sponsored by Manatee Glens Rape Crisis Program, was one of dozens held across the country.
"It's a day to think about prevention of sexual assault and to provide support to survivors of sexual assault," Linda Herbert, Manatee Glens rape crisis supervisor, said. "It's our chance to educate the public about the problem of sexual assault in our community."
Herbert said only 37 percent of all rapes are reported to the police, and one in six boys are sexually assaulted before the age of 16.
Survivor Ann Wells, 44, walked around handing out fluorescent pink buttons that said, "TOO" because, she said, "sexual assault happens too often to too many people." Handing out the buttons, Wells said, often leads to a conversation with others about rape and survival.
"Sometimes it takes a long time before you speak out. You have to be ready, but finally when you get tired of the silence, secrets and hiding, you feel ready to come out," Wells said.
She attends a support group for sexual abuse survivors at Manatee Glens that she finds very helpful. That's how she became one of the speakers at Thursday's rally.
"The whole process of speaking out probably began when I was about 37 years old," Wells said. She said she is compelled to do it, no matter how hard it is, because the pain is too great to remain silent.
For more information on how to volunteer at Sexual Assault Awareness Month events or for information on rape prevention education trainings, call Linda Herbert at 782-4100.
Last modified: April 07. 2006 4:30AM
