spoiled to the core

spoiled to the core
K

Kid A

Registrant
I found a girl that loves me unconditionally and it hurts to be loved by her. It makes me feel numb and/or clingy and so I broke up with her tonight because I don't like feeling numb or clingy anymore. Now I feel like absolute shit. The perfect girl who would love me despite all the problems I have, despite the fact that I feel spoiled to the core. Even now, I want to crawl into her arms and have her love me like a baby and she would. But I'm not a baby, and am sick of feeling like one. I'm sick of feeling like a scared little boy, but its what I am, and she emabraced me for it, and I told her I just feel comfortable being friends. I told her I don't yet know how to love myself and so I didn't think I could love her if I can't love myself. I feel unlovable and she was willing to love me and I told her no. I want to find my abuser and tell him all the confusion he continues to cause. I want to tell him how he made love bad, how he made me unable to accept love and to give it.
 
Hi Kid A,

I've no time here cause I have to rush off to work but I read your post and just want to tell you I understand. I weep with and for you, Friend.

Hugs,

John
 
Hi Kid,

the mess they make of you, when you are a kid, really does suck.

How many relationships of mine ended this way, and now I look back with emotional void, to think of all the love I threw away.

I hope you can find a way back to her, maybe talking a bit, and opening up, she may be the best thing to happen to you.

Dont look back in despair like I did, that sucks even worse,

ste
 
Kid A,

You may not have wrecked things as totally as you fear. If you still want to try to redeem things you can tell her that for various reasons you have trouble relating to people at such an emotionally high level and you want to take things a bit easier for awhile.

It seems to me that a lot of your feelings go right back to fears of rejection. You feel you are unlovable and ultimately you fear that she will discover that and dump you. So you reject her first. It's classic I think.

We are all lovable bro. But sometimes it is so difficult to accept that. Often we need professional help to get past this problem, and I hope you will consider that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Kid A,

Please don't let the abuse keep you from a loving relationship. You deserve to be loved. You deserve the love that is being offered you.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Kid A- sorry to hear about your difficulties. You are not alone in the actions that you have taken. I agree with Larry it is pretty common. We all have done that. I have personally run from many relationships because I could not handle it.

You are right that before you can love someone else you have to be able to love yourself. But avoidance is not the answer either. It is such a catch 22. I have felt very needy and clingy many, many times and I do not like that feeling. This feeling does go away, it takes time and work. This is something your therapist (if you have one) can help you with. Your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person and can potentially bring you a lot of healing.

Being aware of the feelings you expressed is a great start. That is half the battle.

We have all been there at one time or another. You are not alone, and very much loved and worthy of that love.

Take care man.
 
Thanks for all your replies. I definetely feel like I'm in a catch 22, and Im thinking maybe I just took the easy way out. Part of me feels more free today, but the other part is sad. I'm thinking of possibly asking her to give it another chance, but I will let her know that if i get the clingy feeling I will have to leave to get some air or something. I was constantly having panic attacks in the middle of the night in her room, and had to sleep with the light on. She was great through all of this, but the other thing is, can I give her the love she needs if I'm battling demons daily. Its once in a blue moon that I feel real love for myself, and I don't know if I can provide the same thing for her that she does for me.
 
Kid A - sounds like She's worth a try (although it's your decision).

I once had a girl that I pushed away for similar reasons. I think that we could have made it if I'd tried harder to keep her, rather than testing her and then pushing her away because I didn't want to give her the opportunity to reject me! That's a long time ago and I've never met anyone similar since!

Best wishes ....Rik
 
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