Spirituality

Spirituality
Shyshark

Shyshark

I was asked by my T to write a little something 'spiritual' ...
He was no more specific than that.
I thought I would share it with you.

I am still burdened by the Catholicism of my youth.
In times of crisis ... even joy ... I find myself unwittingly turning to a God
I long ago ceased to believe existed.
There is something out there ... greater than all else,
but when I die if I find nothing but a cold hole in the ground ...
I will not be surprised ... not even disappointed.
I will be leaving behind me a long line of wreckage ... but I am at peace with that.
I have never broken a pledge made to myself ... taken in my early youth ...
I did not become what they were.
In all my life ...
I have never once been deliberate in the harm I have inflicted on others.
I have never been cruel ... not even mean.
I can only hope to be forgiven by those I have loved ... but even more so ...
those who have loved me.
If there is a judgement ... if I do stand before God making excuses for my sins ...
I will at least have that in my favour.
He will never grant me entrance into heaven ...
but perhaps he will afford me a place in hell with a little shade.

***
The sentence "I did not become what they were." does not refer to my abusers ...
it refers to the bullying I endured ... which in no small way was partly a result
of the abuse.
 
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you are speaking for me, SkyShark.


i feel very much the same.




especially...
" I have never broken a pledge made to myself ... taken in my early youth ... I did not become what they were. In all my life ... I have never once been deliberate in the harm I have inflicted on others. I have never been cruel ... not even mean. I can only hope to be forgiven by those I have loved ... "
 
Thank you guys.
This was hard to write ...

Well ... what the hell in my life is spiritual ?
:P
 
Shy -

this moved me to tears.
i found it very deeply spiritual.
i think you have grasped and embodied true spirituality in a far more authentic way than many people that i know who are overtly religious.

peace to you,
Lee
 
I have never once been deliberate in the harm I have inflicted on others.
I have never been cruel ... not even mean.

You can't go to hell. Amazing how many gentle souls emerge from CSA victimization.
 
hey my bud
i doubt you could even harm anyone you words are powerful
 
Thanks for sharing that Shyshark. I still have no faith in any of it. My religion is nature and she is real to me, you sound like a good caring person to me and your words ring true to that.

Take care
Esterio
 
Shyshark said:
if I do stand before God making excuses for my sins ...
I will at least have that in my favour.
He will never grant me entrance into heaven ...
but perhaps he will afford me a place in hell with a little shade.
Click to expand...
Hits hard. That's the god I was raised to believe in: a vengeful god. Not a loving god by any means, because a god that would condemn people to suffer for eternity could never be loving. But that's what they told me would happen.

But even worse than a vengeful god is what they ended up doing to so many kids: condemning them to hell on Earth via sexual abuse. Just part of the reason I don't truck with religion.
 
I was a good little Catholic boy.
I was raised to love God and his Son ... and with extra tenderness ... His son's Mother.
I was taught that God didn't get really angry ... well not really I guess depending on how bad you had been.
If I sinned he was disappointed in me ... sad ... I had let him down.
He had expectations of me ... to disobey the rules was to disrespect Him.
I disappointed Him a lot.
:p
 
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oops ...

Sorry guys I have lost the printed page of this poem and was trying to send it to 'documents'.
 
I was listening to Gregorian chants when I came upon this poem. Thanks Shyshark for sharing your reflections with us. I wasn't raised Catholic and essentially abandoned the religion of my youth when I left high school, but the years spent in a church that was essentially my community as a boy and teen had its effect on me. I too have reflected on questions you address here. My conception of god is no longer tethered to the bible or any organized religion. I'm expecting neither judgment nor transport to heaven or hell when my life comes to an end. As I read your offering I relate to the notion of doing no harm, which can be challenging when so much harm was done to us. But it can surely be the foundation of a personal ethic, a spiritual practice even. Perhaps you're familiar with the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path. I find them much more friendly than the Ten Commandments. But that is me. You definitely show us how trauma can inflict pain at a soul level and that healing will necessarily consider such matters, as your therapist has done with this request of you. Thank you for reminding us.
 
I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

'Religion' is a sore spot for me even after all these years.
I was a good little catholic boy. I loved the church.
Because there were only a few boys in the village I became an alter boy at the age of six ... instead of the norm of about 8/9.
It was glorious. I served the 06:00 Low mass twice a week and couldn't wait until I got bigger and strong enough to hold the staff and Cross
so I could do a High mass on Sunday ... and I often laid awake after my prayers and dreamed of the extravagance of the Holiday services ...
like Easter and Christmas. THAT was a big deal!
I made it.
At 8 I got to do Christmas Eve ... 1.5 hours of ceremony and pageantry.
I was so looking forward to Easter.
In 1962 my Birthday was April 14th ... and I turned 9.
Good Friday was April 19th ... and I served the usual 06:00 mass. (I lost the draw to do Easter Mass at 10:00)
After mass I was changing and when I pulled the 'sutan' over my head it pulled my shirt out of my pants.
I unbuckled my belt and unzipped my fly so I could tuck it back in.
Father was right behind me and said ... "Let me help you".
He put his left arm around my shoulder ... and reached around and shoved his right hand down my underwear and started
to grind himself against me.
I was so shocked that I stood still for a few seconds (hours) ... then I wrenched myself free ... ran across the room while holding up my pants,
grabbed my coat and ran out the door.
Easter Sunday was the 22nd ... a High Mass ... it's all I could to keep from crying.
I had no choice but to continue serving for him but he never touched me again and pretended like nothing had happened.
A lot more would have happened if I hadn't gotten away.
That was the beginning of the end of my trust ... and my faith.
 
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