spiraling down...it's happening again

spiraling down...it's happening again
I

IrishKipley

Registrant
i knew the good feelings i was having would probably end eventually, but this time it has hit me hard. i haven't been online in a really long time it seems.

i thought maybe my dad would stop trying to contact me, i have told him over and over to stop but it does no good. over the last week, i have gotten two letters from him. both are trying to make me feel guilty, wanting me to come back home....like i'm still a kid or something. he doesn't realize or understand that i have my own life now...a life without his abuse. in these letters he has told me that he is sick. my dad has diabetes and i knew he wasn't in the best of health, but he is making it sound really serious. all he does is apologize for all the things he did to me, although he never actually admits to "specific things" only says that he knows he was a bad father, etc. boy, that's the understatement of the year. is it crazy for me to feel bad for him??? despite all the horrific things he has done, i don't want him to get sick and suffer. there were times when i wished stuff like that upon him, but i guess you could say i'm past that. i will never forgive him for what he did to me, but at the same time i am scared for him. crazy??? stupid???? probably both right?????
those letters put me in a state of confusion. i can't eat or sleep, everything is running through my mind at the same time. i know i can't go back there, that would be torture...but....oh, i don't know what i'm trying to say. it just hurts. i'm depressed now and i know it. my boss has given me a week off and thankfully he understands. ....but i know i am not taking responsibility in my life. i don't feel like i'm a man. instead of 22 i feel like i'm 6 again and he is taking control. i need to be stronger for myself and my fiancee, for my friends and for the people at work who depend on me. i'm in a hole right now and i don't know how to climb out. i have to though, i cant let these memories, these letters, my father take control of my life again.

Kip
 
dear Kip:

there is nothing wrong with you. my father abused me too. and, in spite of this there is a part of me that still loves him. but, the majority of me knows i can not trust him again. he is sick and nothing good can come from being close to him.

the love a child can be an amazing thing. it is the child within me that misses Dad. that wants to be close to him. but, the man within knows i must protect myself and do what is best for us NOT him. i can not trust a sick person.

i hope this helps Kip. sincerely,


bec
 
Kip,

I know. I understand.

It's a funny thing. You think you've achieved some peace, even if it's a peace that comes from isolation from family, friends, whatever, and then there's something that pulls us back. Remember though, that you have to do what's right for YOU. Nobody else.

I'm thinking about you brother, and you're in my prayers.

Peace,

Scot
 
kip,
i have the same conflict over my maternal perp. in fact, i am dealing with the feelings of not wanting her to end up alone and never getting the help she needs. i told her last year before i cut contact completely that if she does not get therapy herself she will never see me again. from what i have heard from my sister she did start therapy but for awhile there it was more a moaning session about how her kids were treating her. last my sister heard she was still in therapy but i don't know what has transpired with that. she has no choice but to respect my boundaries because she does not know where i am :) . it is so hard though. especially after remembering more of what she did to me. i want to hate her and nurse my rage, but i also struggle with tears concerned about her health and state of mind. it hurts me not to call her what i always did, but i have to keep that distance for my own safety. it is normal, kip, i promise.
 
Kip - you're 22 and facing up to some pretty difficult stuff. At your age anyone that has a father on this planet would expect them to be someone to look up to (quite a high percentage don't deserve that respect).

You need to decide if you want any contact if he is showing genuine remorse (???), or is he just concerned that there is a real devil waiting for him? Payback time???

If his letters get to you so much, is it possible to move house without giving a forwarding address? You are the important one here ... if he is not worthy of trust, treat him accordingly.

Any good friend is is worth so much more than an uncaring relative. Blood thicker than water...? If you're bleeding you need water to replenish your blood.
 
Kip, I have heard from my father three times since I was ten years old. Two times he is asking for money from me and my mother, other time, I think he just call because he know it scare me. Maybe you can get restraint order on him, so he will be in trouble if he try to contact you. You can return his letters without opening, and maybe can block his phone number? I do not know, but I am thinking you need to look at other options, to make him not be a part of your life. You deserve that.

Leosha
 
Hey Kip - Feeling bad? Guilty? Responsible? Well we usually feel these feelings when we've done/are doing something wrong...yet, somehow we don't know what it is and even say "I didn't do anything wrong" but he did!! KIP - you did nothing wrong, he chose to abuse you. KIP - he may be sick but you didn't make him sick. KIP - to go near him is like a penny nail getting close to a magnet...once he gets in the magnets sphere of influence, he gets drawn in whether it wants to or not!! Recognize what you have to do for you: your life, your fiancee, your boss, etc. Is it wrong to keep the focus on making a life for ourself? No! That's what everyone who raises kids must have for their goal...for their child to take their place in society! You're doing that and no one should interfere with you in achieving that.

Hope I explained myself clear enough and hope it has helped some!

Howard
 
Kip... my best friend has the same issue going on with his mother. He can't seem to remove her hold on him, no matter how much work he does around her alcoholism, controlling behavior, etc.

I am an unforgiving person, I guess, because I believe that parents have to earn their adult children's presence by being good parents then and now. (I have a strong reward/punishment streak.) I refuse to associate with my biological father and his family because they are toxic to me. He could come crawling on his knees begging forgiveness and I wouldn't accept it. Sorry - when you leave your wife and kid, you don't get any parental privileges when they are adults.

But I know that my friend has a really hard time being this unforgiving. The guilt overwhelms him and he goes back time and again to family functions despite his desire not to. So I know where you are coming from.

I think what it comes down to is that you have to protect yourself now, despite the fact that you feel like you can't or couldn't when you were little. You can't afford to lose any ground on your recovery process. If you can try to work on conscious choices, that might help. Rather than play into what he is doing.

I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense. Stay strong.

-Sean
 
in my mind no one has this pre earned respect. its all earned. With the world the way it is. we are told we have to love and respect our parents regardless. I belive differntly. I love my mom very much because she has shown me that she more then deserves it and has been there for me when i needed her and made me the unique person i am today. I hate my father for his lack of tru emotion and milatary attitude. Nor my mother or father abused me. It was my moms boy friend who did that but what i am getting at is that if your father hasn't EARNED your respect and trust you should not feel guility for not caring because its a 2 way street and if he abused you. He has drasticly failed his end of it. Also those letters of guilt dont show TRUE remorse. they are tryin to guilt trip you about his health and mind set so he can control you again. The choice is urs but personaly I would not contact him back. He sounds to me like he's tryin to take control over you again. and if this helps when i have somthing on my mind thats hurting me I do try to get it all out first..wether that be in anger releasing actions..or maybe talking to someone *how ever you do that* and then distance my self from it and try to focus on somthing simple..light..fun..maybe a movie..or in my case a video game. try to take somthing non intensive that u enjoy and do that for a while after u let ur emotions. it helps me at times. I hope it helps you.

-Keith
 
For a long time, I used to get those letters from my parents and they also threw me into a mess. I was to the point that just walking to the mail box gave me an anxiety attack. So one thing I did was if I got any of those letters, I gave them to a close friend. My instructions to this friend was to read them and if there was anything I needed to know, that he would pass it on. If not, than throw them away. I don't think there was hardly anything that came out of the letters and he saved me a lot of daily grief. It was a tough thing to do, but I had to do it because it kept me stuck in the moment and I couldn't get out of it without the continuing banter from these letters.

Take care of yourself... and give yourself a peace of mind. Hopefully there is someone you trust that could do this for you and if not, you might use a therapist in this role.

Don
 
Kip,

This is a tough one. But you've had some really good advice from others here. I have the same issue, my father is dead, my mother is alive, twenty blocks away and I haven't spoken to her in almost a year. The guilt is overwhelming. She still has a controlling hold on me. But guess what? It's waning. Hoorah! The hold isn't impenetrable. Just do for yourself, know and respect how important that is. And remember that, abuse or not, you owe NO ONE your life.

good luck.

-al
 
Kip,

That's a tough place your father is trying to place you. You have let him know your boundary, do not contact you, and he ignores it. Trying to do a minimal amount of apologizing to make you feel guilty instead of lying the guilt where it belongs, on himself.
Can you just return the letters he sends to you? Since these first ones have been opened, you'll have to put on new postage, but the rest you can return Refused , until he gets the message. Let him know that you are not interested in his intrusion upon your life away from him, and make him stick by it. He has no business ignoring your wishes for him to stay away from you.
Don't feel guilty or owing to him. He's guilty, not you. You owe him nothing. Anything you give him should be of your own free will, not exhorted or forced.

Take care, be strong,
Bill
 
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