Spinning out of control.. can't breath..

Spinning out of control.. can't breath..
O

onefastbike

Registrant
I thought I had it all under control. Been feeling alright for some time now.
Nightmares had even mostly stopped (due to Clonazapam, Paxil, Seroquil)

I just stumbled upon my abuser online. He was a school teacher when it happened. I lied in court and told them very little. There where 3 other boys there.
He got convicted of something (I don't know what)

He left the school board and became a bus driver in Burlington last I heard.

Surfing around tonight I found his name in print as the VP of the local transit union.

My heart is racing and I am having flashbacks. Stuff that I don't (or didn't remember happeneing)
Holding me captive in his sauna
The fear
self loathing.

I feel like my brain just slipped a gear or two. I actually feel "crazy" right now.
I'm shaking, I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm ashamed.

And I want to hurt him.

Physical hurt would be too easy. I'm an expert martial atrisit, and former Spec. Forces.

I want to walk in to his next union meeting and let his peers know just what kind of deviant they are working with.

I also want to rip his throat out, but that is just fantasy.

I'm sorry for the rantings of a madman, but I don't know where else to turn right now...
 
BURLINGTON (AM900 CHML) - In Burlington, commuter chaos could be on the horizon.
Local 2723, the union representing Burlington Transit's drivers, mechanics and maintenance staff, has voted 94% in favour of job action.

2723 VP Keith Ambrose says its unclear exactly what job action Burlington Transit workers would take, adding those directives will come down from CUPE's Ontario office.

Burlington Tranist is one of five transit systems in Ontario that are represented by CUPE.
 
PEDIFILES DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE FIND OUT ABOUT THERE PAST . IF I WERE YOU I WOULD SEE TO IT THAT THE UNION BRASS KNOW WHO THEY HAVE WORKING FOR THEM . HE PROBLY WOULD BE FIRED OR GET EVERY SHIT JOB UNTIL HE WAS FORCED TO QUIT THEASE KIND OF PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ALOWED TO WORK AROUND THE PUBLIC
 
No reason to apologize my friend but I do respect your feelings. A child molester driving a school bus. Imagine that. Those perps like to stay close to kids in anyway possible.

I can relate to your feeling of just wanting to bash the brains in of those who abused you. It is rewarding to deal with issues and move on with our lives knowing that no matter what they did to us, we will not stop doing what we do. They can't stop us. I'm sure you know with your training. Special forces is an extremely disciplined feat that you can chalk up on your belt. I admire you for that.

Do you ever think that your strength to survive what you've been through has motivated you to become what you are today. We are a rare breed of achievers. Your perp can't come remotely close to touching that. Exposing him would hurt him ten times more than any a..whoopin you could inflict. In fact, he is not worthy of taking one from you. As you surely know, that would probably get you into trouble. You can beat him without putting yourself at risk. Do your thing my friend.

Much love,
Jason

P.S. by the way, thank you for your service for our country (assuming you are American).
 
Thanks for the replies.

I have thought at depth as to why I acheived such a high level of training. It seemed that the harder the training was, the more I enjoyed it. The more my peers hated what we were doing, the more I loved it.

I know that being abused is what gave me my drive. At first (age 12) when I signed up for kung fu it was out for fear. It was out of the drive that I wasn't going to EVER let anyone have that control over me again. I wanted to become "lethal".
I earned 3 black belt belts in 3 differnt arts before I entered the armed forces. I felt secure in my physical abilities, but then it came down to "proving that I am a man". I felt that the harder I trained, the more it would erase what I allowed to be done to me. I fast tracked through my traning due to my "gung ho spirit". I got my jump wings, Pathfinder rating, then Sniper School.
By the end of it all I was LETHAL.

But in spite of all that he still owns a part of me. He took something from me and I know that I will never get it back.

I know I lost my childhood. My innocence. My trust.

So here I sit. No one can touch me. I am a machine. But all it took was READING his name to bring me crashing down to 11 years old again.

Messing with his job would be great revenge.

But is revenge a healthy thing? Just the fact that I am thinking about him means he still owns me.
What do you have to do to take yourself back????????

My martial arts training tells me not that I should forgive him, but that I should love him. That is he only way to defeat ones enemy (Sun Tzu)
But I surly am not ready for that.

Thanks for reading my rant. As you can tell I'm one confused person right now.
 
I can somewhat relate to the love for pain in torture. I don't have near the wrap sheet you do but I did wrestle in high school and I loved it when my coach kept us in practice later. My anger and determination kept me going. I felt invincible. However, my down fall was, all that trying to be tough and to not let people f..k with me, I found myself shutting down on others. I got cocky and acted as if I was too good to open up to everyone. However, the truth is, I was scared beneathe all of it. I found myself looking around and seeing that everyone had girlfriends, best friends, that they were congregating with and I was alone. I got what I wanted, but what I wanted turned out to be the opposite of what I wanted.

The way I see it, if we open up to more people, our character gets stronger and we won't have as much time to focus on the people that abused us. It's always important to focus on what happened to us but, its OK to go and live our lives and get away from it at times. There is more to life than the abuse that we have went through. We can find beauty in life if we look hard enough.

Good people will understand our pain and help us to pull away from the mental grips of those manipulative SOB's. As you know from war training, the more allies we have, the more capable we will be to oust the enemy.

Jason
 
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