Speaking to God
Agreed.I have a relationship with God, I speak with Him in prayer, I study His word the Bible. He speaks to me through His words. During my prayer time I set a time to listen. This relationship began many years ago when I asked Christ to be in my heart and be Lord of my life. It is only through Christ that I know God. He is my Lord. Through Christ who took away my sin and made me a child of God. His desire is that each one know Him and it is in Christ alone that makes this possible.
Such a simple, yet profound, question. It cannot be answered quickly or fully; but here is my “quick” response to your “quick” question. Many years ago after I recovered memories of my childhood rapes and abuse and while I was in the process of working in a position of responsibility as a manager, and being a husband and a father - I was trying to “keep it all together” and not fall apart or let myself be torn apart by these memories of horror that no one I confronted would confirm – yet deep inside I knew they were true. While going through all of this, I encountered a huge breach of ethics at my place of employment and I was dumbfounded that the management of my place of business would do such an unlawful thing and I decided that rather than report them to the authorities, I would confront them and explain to them the impact of their unlawful decisions upon their employees as well as upon the person whose rights had been violated. I confronted them and was not successful in having them voluntarily do what I believed the “right thing” was and I felt just as violated as I had been as a child when no one brought the perpetrators to justice and the perpetrators and their enablers all denied the truth. And I cried out to God: What do you expect from me? I have proclaimed the truth to these people and it changed nothing! And God came to me (in a dream, but it was real) and I felt His presence which was pure love and it immediately brought me from a place of despair to a sense of complete calm acceptance. And He explained everything to me in detail and it all made sense. But I don’t recall the words that were used, I just recall the feeling of His presence and that the words were spoken – and, in a way, this profound experience is still unfolding it’s meaning to me. We, as survivors, have lost all or most of our sense of “agency” – owning our lives, being in charge of our life, “sticking up” for ourselves, “speaking truth to power”, knowing what we know and feeling what we feel and knowing what we feel and knowing why we feel what we feel. I know I had learned as a very young boy that I could not overpower the people who raped me or beat me or who raped and beat others in my presence – repeatedly – so I “learned helplessness” as a way to survive – and continued to live my life this way and did not stand up for myself and did not even attempt to do things because I knew it was futile. Developing a sense of agency is crucial for survivors. God was comforting me and encouraging me to still speak regardless of the outcome. It matters even if it does not yet achieve the result we think it should achieve. And to persist and to keep speaking.Quick question: to anyone who has spoken to god and got a reply, what was the conversation and what did you hear? I have friends who talk a about personal relationship with god but I don’t understand seeing as I’ve never had that. Thanks in advance.
Such a simple, yet profound, question. It cannot be answered quickly or fully; but here is my “quick” response to your “quick” question. Many years ago after I recovered memories of my childhood rapes and abuse and while I was in the process of working in a position of responsibility as a manager, and being a husband and a father - I was trying to “keep it all together” and not fall apart or let myself be torn apart by these memories of horror that no one I confronted would confirm – yet deep inside I knew they were true. While going through all of this, I encountered a huge breach of ethics at my place of employment and I was dumbfounded that the management of my place of business would do such an unlawful thing and I decided that rather than report them to the authorities, I would confront them and explain to them the impact of their unlawful decisions upon their employees as well as upon the person whose rights had been violated. I confronted them and was not successful in having them voluntarily do what I believed the “right thing” was and I felt just as violated as I had been as a child when no one brought the perpetrators to justice and the perpetrators and their enablers all denied the truth. And I cried out to God: What do you expect from me? I have proclaimed the truth to these people and it changed nothing! And God came to me (in a dream, but it was real) and I felt His presence which was pure love and it immediately brought me from a place of despair to a sense of complete calm acceptance. And He explained everything to me in detail and it all made sense. But I don’t recall the words that were used, I just recall the feeling of His presence and that the words were spoken – and, in a way, this profound experience is still unfolding it’s meaning to me. We, as survivors, have lost all or most of our sense of “agency” – owning our lives, being in charge of our life, “sticking up” for ourselves, “speaking truth to power”, knowing what we know and feeling what we feel and knowing what we feel and knowing why we feel what we feel. I know I had learned as a very young boy that I could not overpower the people who raped me or beat me or who raped and beat others in my presence – repeatedly – so I “learned helplessness” as a way to survive – and continued to live my life this way and did not stand up for myself and did not even attempt to do things because I knew it was futile. Developing a sense of agency is crucial for survivors. God was comforting me and encouraging me to still speak regardless of the outcome. It matters even if it does not yet achieve the result we think it should achieve. And to persist and to keep speaking.
The fact that I was becoming aware – aware of what the little boy who was me lived through and now proclaiming that to others, was for me maybe the first time, speaking up for myself – and it did not have the impact I thought it would – I had not read any books about childhood trauma, I had never been to a counselor – I thought my parents and friends of the family would confirm the truth of what happened and talk to me about it – I was dumbfounded by their denials and became despondent – filled with rage. And God came to me as I explained. God knew – God knows – and God loves me – as He loves every person. God is awareness. In Judeo-Christian “religion” his name is “I AM” - He is all that is, He is love and the author of truth and he loves everyone regardless of their faith or lack of faith and that includes you and every survivor. The world, in fact, is filled with survivors of some kind of trauma. Once we wake up and see that, we can be a voice for the voiceless – starting with the voiceless children we once were – and help make the world aware that children are raped and don’t comprehend what they endured so it is up to us (the little boys who grew to become the men we are) to spread this awareness whether people believe us and whether or not they act on that belief.
So that is as quick an answer as I am able to give. And I only give it because it is true. I lived it. And I believe if God did not answer me, I would not be alive today. Despite all that, I still have down times, times I don’t want to live because it is so painful in so many ways mostly ways related to my childhood rapes and the fact that no one saved me, no one seemed to care – but there are people (my family) who need me and I don’t want to hurt them or leave them. Also, today’s children need us, the adult survivors with a voice, to protect and save them. We need to bring the deeds done in darkness to the light of the world’s awareness – there are countless children today who need us. God speaks through us - those who see the truth “I Am” and proclaim it.
I believe God is loving and forgiving. But I also believe that God judges harshly those that use His name, His house of worship as a costume to do evil things to His people.I guess I have to much anger trapped in me for what happened in God's house. The youth leader who attack me in the basement of the church kind of took any want to be in gods house away and he had full access to young boys. It is hard to settle. I have not been in that church again,( I call it the church my grandparents built) I have been in other churches I always feel very uneasy and have had to leave in the middle of funerals. I am to emotional and to many intrusive thoughts when in a church. I was married in a church my wife family wanted that. It was a long half hour that should have been really happy but I was in fear. I made an attempt to talk with my mom's minister and she was preoccupied so I just took my leave.
I was forced to go to church twice on Sundays once to my Dad's family and to my Mom's church after that. then we had other days during the week that we had to go to clubs at the churches. I was forced by my Dad who never went to church. He was a drinker, gambler and was out at night most of the time. He would not have been able to go to that church as they were against a lot of the stuff he did. He was the black sheep in their family.
I have not given up on God, but really feel he is making this hard on me. I am a confirmed Anglican but have not taken communion in over 50 years. I feel so different from the people that go to church, I don't find much in common.
I real appreciate this thread Thank you Silentwar
The Maker has a plan. He only has plan A (no plan B). He foresees it all and is in control. There is no plan of the satan that does not fit His agenda. From my understanding of this Plan A: The West has to lose its prominence for the last "beast" (and his mark) to take centre stage in the middle east (Revived Ottoman empire contrary to popular belief). Either way it all ends with The Maker's Kingdon being restored here on earth! ("Your Kingdom come, Your will be done" and "is it at this time that you will restore The Kingdom to Israel?")I think my current problem is the following...
This current ‘reset’ feels like satanic agenda. And If that’s true, to me it feels like god is absent again. In my silence, all I can think about is ‘how long will it take me to starve when I don’t take the mark of the beast?’
I know how paranoid that sounds. But In my experience, when evil comes for you it very rarely backs down. Every waking moment since last March has felt like the end times and it has just compounded this feeling of abandonment. I don’t know what else to say.
The Maker has a plan. He only has plan A (no plan B). He foresees it all and is in control. There is no plan of the satan that does not fit His agenda. From my understanding of this Plan A: The West has to lose its prominence for the last "beast" (and his mark) to take centre stage in the middle east (Revived Ottoman empire contrary to popular belief). Either way it all ends with The Maker's Kingdon being restored here on earth! ("Your Kingdom come, Your will be done" and "is it at this time that you will restore The Kingdom to Israel?")
I have also been given dreams that have turned my life around and given me understanding of why I have been such an easy target for abusers and my value in His eyes.
The "end times" (or after times < from the hebrew) include the most wonderful outcome of history where there may not be a USA or UK but His Kingdom will come (when out time of exile is over).
Hang in there.
I'd love to!Thanks for your reply, really appreciate it. Could you expand on on the dreams on understanding of why you were an easy target? If it’s too personal, I totally understand if you you’d rather not.
I hope it is ok for me to post this as it is how I have survived without the church being in my life. I think it brought me to a safer place for me.And if it makes you feel better then understand God will make sure they get their just reward.
Is that God attempting to connect with me even though I have not been praying? I have always been wondering what people get from their God and maybe I already know.