Source of depression response to trying to live
Mishka95673
Registrant
Hi y'all,
I saw a post on the survivor side and thought I would offer my two cents. The question was regarding source of depression and linkage to CSA along with the observation that people who don't experience CSA also get depressed.
The first thing I would say is that my understanding is that there are two main kinds of depression, the first being physiological as its primary cause in that the brain is not releasing neurotransmitters (chemicals) in the usual amounts and the second form being more temporary, in that our brains can release the right amounts but it isn't doing so at the moment. This is the kind of depression one might say is linked to CSA...this is the kind of depression linked to any event or non event. This is the kind of depression that when we wake up, we are sad we woke up...you guys know what I mean, right? I've been there and it had nothing to do with my CSA.
I will say depression is a very serious problem and many people confuse it with sadness. It's much worse than sadness, right my friends? It is known to be very debilitating. It is extremely difficult to pull yourself out of and of course sometimes assistance is needed through the use of counseling and even drug therapy (short term or long term). But you know what friends? We can do things to make ourselves feel much better!
Feeling better is extremely hard to get started and people don't understand. We might say we are feeling depressed and what do people tell us in response "go get some exercise then." I don't like going to the gym so I just want to punch them in the face when they just toss that one out there. Really? Clearly you have no idea that depression makes you not want to do anything! Of course we know that exercise enhances mood but we don't want to go run for a few miles or do a bunch of push ups and sit ups. Let's look at it from another perspective. When we aren't feeling depressed, do we like nature photography, snorkeling, scuba diving, hiking, roller skating, ice skating, biking, volleyball, baseball, or anything else? When feeling depressed, it is easier for us to force ourselves to do something we normally like than it is to force ourselves to do something we don't normally like. So force ourselves to do something we normally like! Once we get started, the brain chemistry will adjust from the exercise I receive coupled with the enjoyment of what we are doing.
Example involving exercise first. I used to love to travel. I think I still do but have been to about 60 countries around the world so don't feel a need to go anywhere right now. Where would I go? But on some of the trips, I have been absolutely despondent. One trip to the Balkans was especially hard and as Inwalked around the city, I would sit on the bench in a park and just cry openly. One lady in a nearby apartment actually saw me so brought down her Labrador retriever, sat next to me on the bench, and loaned me her dog to make me feel better. The kindness of strangers, eh? Physical exhaustion would make me sit for a little bit. While sitting I would be overcome with sadness. Once rested, I would get up and wander around the city, looking at all the cool stuff until physical exhaustion would make me sit again. I was doing maybe 20-25 miles a day walking around the cities and the walking made me feel better and seeing the city...travel...was something I normally enjoyed and therefore could force myself to do, even when depressed. Yes, I had to force myself, just like when we are depressed, we force ourselves to go to work. If we can force ourselves to go to work, we can force ourselves to do something fun even if we aren't in the mood for it. Does this work? Absolutely. I had to go through some profound medical therapy that lasted a year. The drugs are well known to make people very depressed and even suicidal...they are simply side effects of the drugs. So I arranged my affairs to keep my life as simple as possible during that time and I arranged to have regular massage therapy...every 2-4 weeks. Massage therapy is also very helpful at relieving depression. Lastly, I started to do something on my bucket list (same as my goal list) once a month, to feel like depression is not in control of my life, I am in control of my life and I will still make progress towards my goals. I went to Puerto Rico for the weekend, Dominican Republic, Disney World, saw Everglades National Forest, went to Niagra Falls, Vienna, Rome, Venice, and many other places. Each time I had to force myself to go but once I got there, I felt better.
Not everything on my happy list requires travel. For me, getting through what are now only periods of depression for me requires knowing myself and taking action. Anxiety contributes to my depression and the major cause of my anxiety is having too much to do. It will keep me awake at night, so when that happens, I get up and muscle through a bunch of stuff which needs to be completed or I just get rid of the work altogether. I fall to sleep instantly afterwards. For the last few years I have been fighting depression over my professional situation...I don't like where I am at. I feel as though I am stuck in a rut and the ceiling is too low to escape. But I find a steep pathway out of the rut. I don't like the steepness of the path...it will take a lot of work...but instead of focusing on the work, I am going to focus on the freedom I will have after I escape. I can feel it, taste it, and smell it - sweet freedom!
I hate traffic and where I live, it is bad. So I live near public transportation, so I don't have to spend 2 hours driving to work each morning. But better than the public transportation? A motorcycle. Oh the freedom one feels when on a bike, using the high occupancy vehicle lanes to zoom to work while the other people are in the regular lanes, going soooooo slow in bumper to bumper traffic. But me??? I arrive to work relaxed and with a smile on my face. And after a hard day at work, I relax on the way home. I spent a year fighting with myself to avoid buying a second bike, a bike I didn't need. Why spend $10,000 on something not needed? Then one day I realized how upset I was making myself for not buying the bike. I could afford the bike and no one would get hurt. A year of fighting the purchase meant clearly it wasn't an impulse purchase. I was making myself sad by saying no to the bike. So one day I said yes. Every day I think about what a waste of money she was and I think about selling her and then I climb onboard and all the negative feelings in my mind go away and I am filled with a sense of peace.
So regardless of the source of the Depression, there are often things we can do to help relieve the feelings. These things cause different combinations of neurotransmitters to be released, adjusting our brain chemistry. But neurotransmitters are short lived which means the more often we do something which causes a change, the more frequently we will feel better. I have a written list so that when I am feeling so depressed I can't even think, all I have to do is look at the list and start with something. I enjoy baths, photography, snorkeling, hiking, traveling, reading, movies, my cats, beautiful gardens, and many other things. I may not want to do something on the list but I force myself and it helps. I also avoid things which are upsetting: toxic people, alcohol, drugs, financial pressure, traffic, super hot days, and crowds.
My new endeavor begins on Monday. I have several classes I need to take in order to enter the accelerated BS program I want, which will lead to additional masters and doctoral degrees. It's my path out, my friends. In the back of my mind of course I occasionally hear whispers of self doubt and other negatives such as "OMG, what if they don't want you , what if you can't get in, etc." These thoughts want to become intrusive thoughts but I have enough experience to recognize them as potentially disabling intrusive thoughts so I use that skill we all have developed and used in unhealthy manners to control them. Compartmentalization can be used to avoid memories which need to be processed in order to free us. But compartmentalization can also be used in healthy ways, such as tossing in the intrusive thoughts and locking the door behind them. No, I will not entertain those those thoughts and let them derail my motivation. I feel immediately better now that I have taken a positive step in a direction and I will continue to feel better while I continue moving in that direction. It will take years as I move closer and closer to my goal; working towards and achieving my goals always decreases my feelings of depression.
Hope the personal examples provide hope to people currently feeling depressed. Any small thing you can force yourself to do can be very helpful. You don't need to run a marathon to get some relief...a walk through the garden may be enough. The effect will be short lived but if while the effect is still in place you start something else, the feeling will last longer. The biggest problem is overcoming the inertia in the beginning.
I saw a post on the survivor side and thought I would offer my two cents. The question was regarding source of depression and linkage to CSA along with the observation that people who don't experience CSA also get depressed.
The first thing I would say is that my understanding is that there are two main kinds of depression, the first being physiological as its primary cause in that the brain is not releasing neurotransmitters (chemicals) in the usual amounts and the second form being more temporary, in that our brains can release the right amounts but it isn't doing so at the moment. This is the kind of depression one might say is linked to CSA...this is the kind of depression linked to any event or non event. This is the kind of depression that when we wake up, we are sad we woke up...you guys know what I mean, right? I've been there and it had nothing to do with my CSA.
I will say depression is a very serious problem and many people confuse it with sadness. It's much worse than sadness, right my friends? It is known to be very debilitating. It is extremely difficult to pull yourself out of and of course sometimes assistance is needed through the use of counseling and even drug therapy (short term or long term). But you know what friends? We can do things to make ourselves feel much better!
Feeling better is extremely hard to get started and people don't understand. We might say we are feeling depressed and what do people tell us in response "go get some exercise then." I don't like going to the gym so I just want to punch them in the face when they just toss that one out there. Really? Clearly you have no idea that depression makes you not want to do anything! Of course we know that exercise enhances mood but we don't want to go run for a few miles or do a bunch of push ups and sit ups. Let's look at it from another perspective. When we aren't feeling depressed, do we like nature photography, snorkeling, scuba diving, hiking, roller skating, ice skating, biking, volleyball, baseball, or anything else? When feeling depressed, it is easier for us to force ourselves to do something we normally like than it is to force ourselves to do something we don't normally like. So force ourselves to do something we normally like! Once we get started, the brain chemistry will adjust from the exercise I receive coupled with the enjoyment of what we are doing.
Example involving exercise first. I used to love to travel. I think I still do but have been to about 60 countries around the world so don't feel a need to go anywhere right now. Where would I go? But on some of the trips, I have been absolutely despondent. One trip to the Balkans was especially hard and as Inwalked around the city, I would sit on the bench in a park and just cry openly. One lady in a nearby apartment actually saw me so brought down her Labrador retriever, sat next to me on the bench, and loaned me her dog to make me feel better. The kindness of strangers, eh? Physical exhaustion would make me sit for a little bit. While sitting I would be overcome with sadness. Once rested, I would get up and wander around the city, looking at all the cool stuff until physical exhaustion would make me sit again. I was doing maybe 20-25 miles a day walking around the cities and the walking made me feel better and seeing the city...travel...was something I normally enjoyed and therefore could force myself to do, even when depressed. Yes, I had to force myself, just like when we are depressed, we force ourselves to go to work. If we can force ourselves to go to work, we can force ourselves to do something fun even if we aren't in the mood for it. Does this work? Absolutely. I had to go through some profound medical therapy that lasted a year. The drugs are well known to make people very depressed and even suicidal...they are simply side effects of the drugs. So I arranged my affairs to keep my life as simple as possible during that time and I arranged to have regular massage therapy...every 2-4 weeks. Massage therapy is also very helpful at relieving depression. Lastly, I started to do something on my bucket list (same as my goal list) once a month, to feel like depression is not in control of my life, I am in control of my life and I will still make progress towards my goals. I went to Puerto Rico for the weekend, Dominican Republic, Disney World, saw Everglades National Forest, went to Niagra Falls, Vienna, Rome, Venice, and many other places. Each time I had to force myself to go but once I got there, I felt better.
Not everything on my happy list requires travel. For me, getting through what are now only periods of depression for me requires knowing myself and taking action. Anxiety contributes to my depression and the major cause of my anxiety is having too much to do. It will keep me awake at night, so when that happens, I get up and muscle through a bunch of stuff which needs to be completed or I just get rid of the work altogether. I fall to sleep instantly afterwards. For the last few years I have been fighting depression over my professional situation...I don't like where I am at. I feel as though I am stuck in a rut and the ceiling is too low to escape. But I find a steep pathway out of the rut. I don't like the steepness of the path...it will take a lot of work...but instead of focusing on the work, I am going to focus on the freedom I will have after I escape. I can feel it, taste it, and smell it - sweet freedom!
I hate traffic and where I live, it is bad. So I live near public transportation, so I don't have to spend 2 hours driving to work each morning. But better than the public transportation? A motorcycle. Oh the freedom one feels when on a bike, using the high occupancy vehicle lanes to zoom to work while the other people are in the regular lanes, going soooooo slow in bumper to bumper traffic. But me??? I arrive to work relaxed and with a smile on my face. And after a hard day at work, I relax on the way home. I spent a year fighting with myself to avoid buying a second bike, a bike I didn't need. Why spend $10,000 on something not needed? Then one day I realized how upset I was making myself for not buying the bike. I could afford the bike and no one would get hurt. A year of fighting the purchase meant clearly it wasn't an impulse purchase. I was making myself sad by saying no to the bike. So one day I said yes. Every day I think about what a waste of money she was and I think about selling her and then I climb onboard and all the negative feelings in my mind go away and I am filled with a sense of peace.
So regardless of the source of the Depression, there are often things we can do to help relieve the feelings. These things cause different combinations of neurotransmitters to be released, adjusting our brain chemistry. But neurotransmitters are short lived which means the more often we do something which causes a change, the more frequently we will feel better. I have a written list so that when I am feeling so depressed I can't even think, all I have to do is look at the list and start with something. I enjoy baths, photography, snorkeling, hiking, traveling, reading, movies, my cats, beautiful gardens, and many other things. I may not want to do something on the list but I force myself and it helps. I also avoid things which are upsetting: toxic people, alcohol, drugs, financial pressure, traffic, super hot days, and crowds.
My new endeavor begins on Monday. I have several classes I need to take in order to enter the accelerated BS program I want, which will lead to additional masters and doctoral degrees. It's my path out, my friends. In the back of my mind of course I occasionally hear whispers of self doubt and other negatives such as "OMG, what if they don't want you , what if you can't get in, etc." These thoughts want to become intrusive thoughts but I have enough experience to recognize them as potentially disabling intrusive thoughts so I use that skill we all have developed and used in unhealthy manners to control them. Compartmentalization can be used to avoid memories which need to be processed in order to free us. But compartmentalization can also be used in healthy ways, such as tossing in the intrusive thoughts and locking the door behind them. No, I will not entertain those those thoughts and let them derail my motivation. I feel immediately better now that I have taken a positive step in a direction and I will continue to feel better while I continue moving in that direction. It will take years as I move closer and closer to my goal; working towards and achieving my goals always decreases my feelings of depression.
Hope the personal examples provide hope to people currently feeling depressed. Any small thing you can force yourself to do can be very helpful. You don't need to run a marathon to get some relief...a walk through the garden may be enough. The effect will be short lived but if while the effect is still in place you start something else, the feeling will last longer. The biggest problem is overcoming the inertia in the beginning.
