Soundless memories

[booksamurai]

About a month ago I started opening up about my abuse from 30+ years ago, thanks to your suggestions. It is not easy, but I took your comments about the value of this pain to heart and am trying to push through. Even though I hadn't discussed it with anyone in any detail before, I had run the different episodes of abuse through my own head enough times, that I thought I would be able to remember it quite well. But as I recounted the initial incidences of rape to my T, he asked me questions to find out what I was feeling etc. I can remember taste, smells, sights, and touch; but I have absolutely no recollection of any sounds. I can't remember a thing that was said, whether I cried out or anything. Nothing whatsoever. I don't feel a wall or a block in my memory, but I can't recall any sounds. Anyone else experience anything like this?

 

[traveler]

Yep - I have had tons of visual memories but not much in the way of audio ones - kind of like snapshots or silent movies. I sort of "know" some of the things that were said to me - but it is not like a memory - more like something I read - hard to explain. I can sort of remember a sensation of "ringing" in my ears and a chaotic echoing sound - but not clearly defined voices or specific words or phrases.

But as time went on, I could start to remember the tones of voices and I would still be able to identify the individual abusers and bullies today if I just heard recordings of their voices.

I had a couple of theories about this. one was that it was "easier" to block or suppress or "forget" the auditory memories because I am an extremely visually-oriented person. another was that the sound-related memories were compartmentalized because they were more related to verbal abuse than physical/sexual. I found the verbal abuse just as damaging in the long run as the other type. Maybe it would be just too much to handle if all of the senses were included in the memories or flashbacks.

no - you are not the only one.
Lee

 

[KMCINVA]

Booksamurai

For me the memories were always there, but parched into a scrapbook. I could see what happened but it never ran together like a full length movie. Over time the individual pictures began to piece together into short length clips, they became longer over time until they played out in a full length movie. I would try to pause the movie and at times I would succeed and other times I did not. I either struggled, scratch or cried through the movie or I would dissociate. The latter took me away from the memories and what happened during those times I do not know. It was a process for me.

I had the snapshots piecing together in the past, when the priest fell into my groin in college, or when the syncope started and continued, the pictures would piece together but never to the extent of years later. I always remember looking down at the child as though I was not there, it was the beginning of my dissociation. I fragmented myself from me. Why I saw it as a spectator protected me from the abuse and him I have learned. The negative was it separated me from me.

Strangely certain words, phrases, actions and sounds can trigger me. Most are from the abuse--"you ungrateful son", being spat on or other noxious fluids being thrown at me--like he did to me, being locked in a room or place reminding me of being locked in the cellar and the sounds of police sirens send my body into overdrive. The latter why and it is conjectured because the first time the abuse happened the police were at my home. The priest had said if I told the police would take me away and my parents would think I was an ungrateful son. Even to this day these words, phrases, actions and sounds put me in a hyper vigilant state. At times the trauma memories become overwhelming and I retreat to a dissociative state where it seems the child may come alive. Understanding what is happening helps me to cope. In the past I let it all run together. I lost control of myself. All this results from PTSD.

My experience will be different then others and yours. We all recall differently the abuse, we all reacted differently during and after the abuse and we all heal differently. The way your experience the memories and triggers is your mind and body's way of releasing the memories so you can heal. Some will have visual, other audio, other visceral sensations (tactioception), others gustaoception, others olfaction and for many a combination of many of these senses and sensations. We all have problems in allowing the memories to be released and accepted. We have coping mechanisms--alcohol, drugs, dissociation, cutting, and many others to protect us initially and over time they can become destructive. None I am learning is healthy.

Take your time, and when your mind is ready you will see more vividly and maybe hear what you lived. How you process is your way of processing and we cannot compare ourselves to others. It can be frightened but the mind is telling you to let go and regain control of yourself and not let the memories or abuser control you.

Take your time, feel safe and heal well.

Kevin

 

[MrEdd]

The silent movie thing bothered me for years while I was in flashback hell. I thought it meant something was wrong with me, although I didn't doubt my memories because so many things were shared experiences and my sister had gone through therapy starting fifteen years before me.

The memories people lock away while dissociated are stored unprocessed in the right side of the brain. Some sounds may be there, but since the events were never processed through the abstract reasoning left brain they were never resolved into words.

[img:center]https://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51BLlpbxOYL._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg[/img]

This book will explain it better and with illustrations starting on page 198.

I had originally bought the book to give to my pastor, so that he might not make stupid clergy blunders with abuse survivors. Good luck trying to get religious figures to read anything requiring mental effort.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

 

[Nathan-Tudor]

Hi BookSamurai,

*Triggers*

My experience happened in bed. His mother and my grandmother were friends and I spent most days playing at his house. I was dropped off early in the morning and I tucked myself into his bed like I usually did. During sleep I was woken by his hand on my mouth, his full breath on my ear and p&#%s digging into my back.

I remember he mumbled some words every time he abused me, but the only thing I remember is his loud warm breath in my ear. I don’t know if I blocked what he said out or I just didn’t listen to what he was saying.

 

[John67]

I hope it's not terribly inappropriate to reply to a four year old post, but it just hit me how much this applies. I remember nothing of whatever abuse led to me being sexualized at a young age or acting out with men in high school. I do remember being raped when I was a junior in college. I remember what was said in bar across the street from the Port Authority Bus Terminal. I don't remember leaving the bar. I have no recollection of any other conversation.


******* Triggers ******

I vividly remember his bedroom was small and the closet doors close to the bed were mirrored. I remember watching the entire thing in that mirror almost as if I was watching a movie.

 

[Reflecting]

I've been struggling with some missing memories and flashes of what happened to me both growing up, and being assaulted as an adult. I've had both visual alone and physical sensations, sometimes at odd moments with nothing seeming to trigger them. I've been trying to focus on what details I can see/feel, in the hope of trying to better understand & process what I went through, to move on.

*** WARNING, TRIGGERS BELOW ***













I only remember bits & pieces of my sexual assault when I was drunk and/or had my drink spiked. One visual memory, but no sound at all, is my rapist on top of me, whispering something, looking right at me and then laughing, whilst he was inside of me. I also remember shaking and shivering as well at another point that night, like I was freezing cold.




*** END TRIGGERS ****




I know it seems utterly irrational and not worth examining, but I want to know what he was saying to me in that moment: did I say something or do something to make him laugh? What could it have been so funny to warrant his reaction? I'm frustrated at myself for seemingly care about that detail, even though I know I logically shouldn't: nothing I said or did justifies what he did to me.

 

[i-m-Bri]

@Reflecting The man who drugged me was a sadist, he laughed when I struggled. In order to make sense of their reaction means understanding how sick they are. Please, don't worry what you may have done. It was in his twisted mind, nothing real. They are sick and vile. Please, you did nothing.

 

[NC-Survivor]

Mine are No Sound and very few Visuals. I was sedated and blindfolded for a lot of it, instead I have body/muscle memories and scent memories.

 

[traveler]

I hope it's not terribly inappropriate to reply to a four year old post, but it just hit me how much this applies.

 

[traveler]

I don't think it is inappropriate at all, since the issue applies to you. You may not get responses from the same posters as in the original thread, but, sadly, there most likely will be others to whom the same circumstances apply.

 

[Mss65]

About a month ago I started opening up about my abuse from 30+ years ago, thanks to your suggestions. It is not easy, but I took your comments about the value of this pain to heart and am trying to push through. Even though I hadn't discussed it with anyone in any detail before, I had run the different episodes of abuse through my own head enough times, that I thought I would be able to remember it quite well. But as I recounted the initial incidences of rape to my T, he asked me questions to find out what I was feeling etc. I can remember taste, smells, sights, and touch; but I have absolutely no recollection of any sounds. I can't remember a thing that was said, whether I cried out or anything. Nothing whatsoever. I don't feel a wall or a block in my memory, but I can't recall any sounds. Anyone else experience anything like this?

I have similar experiences with allot of my memories, flashbacks and nightmares from different incidents of abuse as a child. In waking memories I can remember most of what was said but I cannot hear the audio in my head. In flashbacks I hear the audio quite loud and clear in my head, which can be startling. In nightmares the audio is almost always muffled, even crying out and shouting or raised voices. It's amazing how the brain works. Some of the ways the human brain presents traumatic memories is meant soften them I think. So my point is that it's not uncommon for your brain to drop some of sensory details of abuse to protect and soften them. Try make them easier to digest is what I think mine does. Now if I could just get my brain to completely forget I would be all setI wish you the best in your recovery Mike