Soulsuckers (high trigger?)
The beauty of this site is that I can reach out straight away, I don't have to bottle up until I can speak to a friend or therapist or helpline. I must say my recovery from CSA so far has been done orally and I find writing things down so powerful and it gives a different edge to things.
Middle of the night,can't sleep, but I know why. I have disclosed something quite personal and it's triggering all sort of stuff.
A few years ago I was having night terrors where I dreamed that some black gooey evil entity was trying to suck my soul out of my being and for me that was just a reflection of my mother's emotional incest and of all the other abusers.
I compare my mother to a praying mantis, I am sure she was abused herself but does not want to deal with it, resulting in her passing the abuse onto me and my sister. To me it's like in order for my mother to stay in denial of her abuse she had to feed herself off my soul, like bloodsucking vampires, except that her and the perps who abused me when a kid were soulsuckers.
Sometimes I lie in bed like tonight,not being able to sleep and I get an image in my head that there is a bunch of gremlin type of soulsuckers waiting for me to fall asleep so they can feed themselves.
Please whoever reads this I can assure you that I am feeling ok and can handle this one.
When I worked for a survivors helpline a couple of years ago once I attended a training workshop where we discussed survivors and abusers. The guy explained that the problem in our society is that abusers are portrayed as monsters and that we should get away from this and realize they are the ordinary citizen.
That made me really angry because although I understand this from an adult perspective, my "inner" child, to the me that was abused as a young child they were monsters and I need to acknowledge the abusers both as monsters and ordinary human beings.
I gues what I am saying is that the monsters are hovering tonight and I am chasing them away by writing all that stuff down.
I am aware that things have been a bit difficult on this site lately and yet I have been getting fantastic support and feedback and I am sincerely grateful to everyone.
Heart
Middle of the night,can't sleep, but I know why. I have disclosed something quite personal and it's triggering all sort of stuff.
A few years ago I was having night terrors where I dreamed that some black gooey evil entity was trying to suck my soul out of my being and for me that was just a reflection of my mother's emotional incest and of all the other abusers.
I compare my mother to a praying mantis, I am sure she was abused herself but does not want to deal with it, resulting in her passing the abuse onto me and my sister. To me it's like in order for my mother to stay in denial of her abuse she had to feed herself off my soul, like bloodsucking vampires, except that her and the perps who abused me when a kid were soulsuckers.
Sometimes I lie in bed like tonight,not being able to sleep and I get an image in my head that there is a bunch of gremlin type of soulsuckers waiting for me to fall asleep so they can feed themselves.
Please whoever reads this I can assure you that I am feeling ok and can handle this one.
When I worked for a survivors helpline a couple of years ago once I attended a training workshop where we discussed survivors and abusers. The guy explained that the problem in our society is that abusers are portrayed as monsters and that we should get away from this and realize they are the ordinary citizen.
That made me really angry because although I understand this from an adult perspective, my "inner" child, to the me that was abused as a young child they were monsters and I need to acknowledge the abusers both as monsters and ordinary human beings.
I gues what I am saying is that the monsters are hovering tonight and I am chasing them away by writing all that stuff down.
I am aware that things have been a bit difficult on this site lately and yet I have been getting fantastic support and feedback and I am sincerely grateful to everyone.
Heart
