sorrow (possible triggers)

[Shyshark]

tonight
I fear tomorrow
the pain
and the sorrow
the tears already come
my chest already aches
my hands already shake
my heart already breaks
I see you oh so clear
the boy not grown
only nineteen
fair and shy and dear

I do not judge
I love you still
I always will
I know
you didn't want to go
you just couldn't stay

((((( Kenny )))))

 

[NC-Survivor]

beautiful.

explain? I would like to understand this more.

 

[Shyshark]

Kenny was a boy I was in a group with.
He took his own life.
He was such a sweet kid. We had become friends outside of the group and spent a good deal of time together.
He was doing so well ... finally opening up and sharing and there seemed to be happiness in his life.
None of us saw any trace of it coming. He and I were pretty close and I had no fear he was in trouble.
I guess it was just too much for him. His was a pretty awful story.
If only I had known.
It will be 12 years today.

 

[Tom E.]

How terribly sad, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend Kenny.

 

[NC-Survivor]

That must be hard for you to go through. Suicide appears to be a common thread with survivors

 

[Shyshark]

It was devastating.
As irrational as it was I felt such guilt.
How could I not see it ... why didn't I do something!?
Of course there's nothing I could have done.
There were no signs at all.
For some time he had been quite jovial.

There have been 11 anniversaries and they have always been difficult ... but this time was bad because I was triggered.
I was walking through a mall yesterday and spotted a kid sitting at a table in the food court.
His head was down because he was reading a book.
I stood and stared at him ... I couldn't help myself.
Every few minutes he would reach up and brush his shaggy blond hair out of his eyes ... only to have it flop down again.
Kenny always did that.
I used to tease him ... "get a haircut ya bum" ... "for God's sake ... you look homeless!"
It never failed to make him chuckle.
I think he was deliberately letting it grow because he didn't want me to stop.

He was 19 ... I was 53 ... it wasn't paternal ... more like an Uncle.
I'm a hugger.
At first Kenny was very uncomfortable and rigid but I persisted and soon he was hugging me.
I wanted so much to go over and hug that boy.

SIGH

 

[NC-Survivor]

like a surrogate HEALTHY father-son relationship! no wonder it still haunts you!

 

[Shyshark]

Thank you guys.
Coincidence is such an odd thing. Of all times to run across that kid ... it had to be now.