Sometimes

[Bobby]

I make a conscious effort never to be embarrassed here. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but sometimes, when I'm here reading and thinking about what other guys are writing, I need to make contact, even if I don't have anything to say. I get this lonely, empty feeling, like I'm all alone and there's nothing anywhere but emptiness and I just sit here looking at the computer, needing to make some sort of contact...not with a single person, but with the collective spirit of this place...with who you are...what we are together.

I don't have to be alone to feel that way. I feel that way now, and I'm not alone in my home. I could talk to people. But the inner me is lonely and reaching out and needs to touch something/someone. God, I hate this loneliness. I never know when it's going to hit.

Is it all right to come on here and say, "God, I'm so lonely and the memories are going to come up and get me if I don't talk soon, if I don't enter the collective sanctitiy and safety of this place?" It sounds so pathetic...so loser. "Please let me in...I need to feel safe." But, if I was drowning, I wouldn't feel bad about asking for your hand...and sometimes I am sort of...drowning.

Sometimes it helps so much just to say, "I'm hurting. It's back. He's got me. I'm scared. I'm little again. Save me." It will go away. I'll get over it. But sometimes, the loneliness...is so hard to bear.

Feelling sorry for myself? I hope not. Maybe. But you know the Native American sculpture of the warrior all alone on his horse? I forget the name of it. That's how I feel when I get like this. Just like that. All alone...so tired...no hope.

I'm embarrassed, but not enough to not post this. It hurts so bad sometimes. You think you're getting over it, and then all of a sudden, it hurts so bad again. I'll be better soon. I know that. But right now....

Bobby

 

[Rustam]

There is a big difference in feeling sorry for ourselves and telling it how it is. You are saying just how you feel, that takes courage. The sa was hideously lonely and the memories and aftermath are too, no matter who we have in our lives. Know the drowning feeling Bobby. Hope being alone together here takes some of that isolation away.

Take care,

Peter.

 

[ScottyTodd]

Bobby - There are times I've felt that loneliness even in a crowd of people!! Sometimes I take myself toward someone in the crowd and start talking and, most times I feel listened to and heard...I feel some connection and it's good. Sometimes I come here and post to or with or about someone here. When I look back and see a reply or receive a PM, there's that connection. It's something I had to work with as a result of knowing myself.

Howard

 

[Larrymat]

Bobby, Bobby...yes, we share that lonely feeling. I understand perfectly. Waiting for my wife in a busy mall, sitting on a bench, and thinking about what happened to me when I was 9. All alone. Who would I talk to there? Or ll alone at this damn computer and letting my feelings act out in bad ways. Shameon me. We're all lonely, Bobby. Hell, we were all alone when whatever happened to each of us happened. That feeling I'm thinking may never go away. But maybe sharing here with everyone can help in some way. Hang in there, my friend.

Larry