Sometimes

[Marc]

Sometimes I just want to cry all day long. I take my meds and enjoy being neutral. Sometimes being neutral is just not enough. I go to work every day at a job I loathe. I work on an intranet help desk ironically. Help desk, what a joke. Open ticket, close ticket. All day long.

I remember images as a little boy of doing something important with my life. Being someone. Being kind and happy, helping people. Now I'm thirty-eight and feel that half my life's been a total waste. Where am I? Sitting on a survivor site and pouring my blood into each keystroke. UGH!!! I sit here and type and only feel numb. As if the story isn't even about me.

I've tried explaining this shit to friends.

"I know it was hard. I know it was traumatic... but you need to deal with it. Life isn't fair, you've gotta move on".

Well fuckers. You deal with it. THE POINT IS I'VE NEVER MOVED ON!!! HAVEN'T YOU EVEN FUCKIN BEEN LISTENING???

I live all my life reminded every moment of everyday, every single shitty incident that's happened to me because I don't think that I'm good enough or smart enough. I can't chase my dreams because they've all been taken away.

Live with an achoholic father who beat his kids often for no good reason.

Remember how at seven or eight years of age you looked up to your sixteen year old cousin who decided that you getting his rocks off in the basement was more important than your happiness in life.

Or live with a step-father who never graduated high school put was quick to make you look stupid in front of his friends constantly.

Oh I'm a fuckin hoot at parties of course. The ones where I'm all cynical and shit. People laugh and laugh because every other word outta my mouth is a stab at some other poor unfortunates pain. Or the ones that I've smoked so much crystal meth that I'll spread my legs for just about any guy. Why I'm the best cock-sucker in San Francisco they tell me! And smart??? Hell yeah, I talk a great story. I know all the big words. And someone even told ME once that they couldn't be the model homosexual that I am. If this is what a model homosexual is then we really ARE fucked up!

I hate what I've become and I want my life back.

So help me I'll get it or die. (Guys, please don't think that I am gonna end it tonight or tomorrow or next week I promise you I won't.) I just needed to let you know what's inside me.

Hi I'm Marc, the man behind the mask.

 

[zadok1]

Did I write this?!

I relate to all you have said, from the pain and feeling like I am unworthy of happiness, to remembering youth when life seemed so promising. It makes me weep to see where I am, after all the promise I had when I was young. I didnt even have to try in school, and always excelled at it. My SATs were high enough to get me into any college I wanted, and my grades were tops. Now, I am 38, and submit warranty claims for 35k a year.

When I was young, I was an athlete. I have run marathons in under three hours, and have completed a host of triathalons. When I found cycling my junior year in high school, I found my calling. I advanced through the ranks quickly, and ended up racing Category Two for DelMonte. I raced at the top levels of American cycling, and raced beside Lemond and Hampsted.

I can overhaul an engine or transmission, or renovate a home with the best. I can paint and sculpt. I can do all these things, and have done nothing. All my life is tainted, stained by the injustice of abuse. I have hated life, and being alive. I feel I have wasted all my years. What started with a bang, has come to this, an unsettled man looking for answers, and struggling to find the strength to get off the couch. Even rising to go to work feels like a superhuman effort at times.

Then I stop, and I catch myself. I think of my sons, and of my meager but simple life, and I realize it isnt as empty as I thought. My strength is in the people who I call family and friends. I realize that things can always be worse. It is important to count the blessings, and rise above the past that we cannot change any way. The glass can be half empty or half full. It is all up to us.

 

[Little_E]

From the hart bruv, that was powerfull shit! I think we all feel like that most of the time. knowing that we could have been anything, that we wanted to be... But some Fucker had to come and ruine it all. Just so they could statifie there self. Well they dont have that power over us any more, Its not to late, We still can be anything, anyone. Make that differance, change that one persons life for the better. I think that if we can do that, its all been worth it.

Elliot

 

[Mike Church]

ZaDOK1

Then I stop, and I catch myself. I think of my sons, and of my meager but simple life, and I realize it isnt as empty as I thought. My strength is in the people who I call family and friends. I realize that things can always be worse. It is important to count the blessings, and rise above the past that we cannot change any way. The glass can be half empty or half full. It is all up to us.

That is the essence of it brother. This is what makes us whole. The ostentatious dressings of sucess are merely that; dressings. What is important is the strength you nave shown others, the love and respect of those around you and that you realize that you are OK. You have done a lot and it makes you feel good. The evil cannot and will not taint that or your current situation.

Elliot hit the nail on the head.

Marc

I hate what I've become and I want my life back.

That is what the struggle is all about my brother. Getting our life back. I have done what you have done only through prostitution fro 18-21. I was known as the best damned faggot in Ottawa for those that were interested in buying a total slave to use any way they wanted with no restrictions. Subsequently I re-enacted this over the course of my life till 56. Oh the fucking pain. These coping mechanisms contined to further degrade my sense of self worth. And tha is what the fight is all about.
Marc you are bright, articulate and I suspect very kind in a one on one situation. At parties I like you would do as you do but I did it to hide my own guilt and frailties. I could not bear the thought of showing a weakness.

Now I can and I really dont care how others react. I am starting to be me

Reread my post on "Millions of True Stories"
and then remember you are not alone here and that the fight is worth it.
Your Brother
Mike

 

[Wuamei]

Sometimes I just want to cry all day long. I take my meds and enjoy being neutral. Sometimes being neutral is just not enough. I go to work every day at a job I loathe. I work on an intranet help desk ironically. Help desk, what a joke. Open ticket, close ticket. All day long.

I hear you bro. Actually my current job is kinda similar to that, but I've had a few others. When you're struggling with this shit, any job can be loathed, as can any & every day.

I remember images as a little boy of doing something important with my life. Being someone. Being kind and happy, helping people. Now I'm thirty-eight and feel that half my life's been a total waste. Where am I? Sitting on a survivor site and pouring my blood into each keystroke. UGH!!! I sit here and type and only feel numb. As if the story isn't even about me.

Hey you could be doing much more useless things. As you type & share your story you can un-numb. You can work on being you--not your abuse, not your perps sick perception, not what your
"friends" want you to be, but you. You are no waste, my friend. You've already helped people here, me included.

I've tried explaining this shit to friends.

"I know it was hard. I know it was traumatic... but you need to deal with it. Life isn't fair, you've gotta move on".

Well fuckers. You deal with it. THE POINT IS I'VE NEVER MOVED ON!!! HAVEN'T YOU EVEN FUCKIN BEEN LISTENING???

Yeah it really pisses me off when people respond that way too. Especially when they're supposed to be your friends. As they say with friends like that who needs enemies?!

Marc, they couldn't deal with it. Most of them can't even deal with the petty "problems" of everyday living, much less living every day with CSA trauma.

Maybe some of them are living with it but are afraid to say so or have dissociated from it.

You are dealing with it! You're here working thru it as you share your story. WTG!

I live all my life reminded every moment of everyday, every single shitty incident that's happened to me because I don't think that I'm good enough or smart enough. I can't chase my dreams because they've all been taken away.

You are good enuf & smart enuf. Your dreams are yours and can never be taken away. Believe it. I know; I'm trying, too...

I hate what I've become and I want my life back.

So help me I'll get it or die. (Guys, please don't think that I am gonna end it tonight or tomorrow or next week I promise you I won't.) I just needed to let you know what's inside me.

Hi I'm Marc, the man behind the mask.

Don't let the abuse continue by being deceived into believing you've become what your abuse & your perps did to you. Your life is still yours. Marc, you are still you; look inside, listen to the voice within, & you will know.

That's the cry of a wolf. A real survivor.

And that's no mask. Marc, you are a survivor, a member of this pack. You are a wolf!

Victor

 

[Marc]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for being understanding. Sometimes I just don't think that it'll ever end.

I'm still at work and I hit another 'stress point' today where something initiated that wonderful sense of low self worth and now I'm finding it hard to go to my Tai Chi class. I so want to find some sense of accomplishment in my life. I keep thinking what the hell am I doing getting involved with anyone at this point. I sure don't have anything to give.

Maybe I should just crawl into bed when I get home. I feel like crying again. I thought these meds were supposed to help?

When is this EVER going to end?