Sometimes you need to know you are not alone.....
It's been awhile since I have posted, seems like a lifetime has passed.
My H had some severe health issues and survival was my only goal. Things have calmed a bit and gosh you wouldn't believe it, but the wake csa left in its past is still here.....i say with a wink.
In some ways the pain i feel is a bit deeper, because i worked so hard at keeping him literally alive that i feel after all of this he could now work on resolving the trauma and dissociation. As my therapist says......expectations are the hardest thing to manage.
I have read all the posts during this time. Some new members have such a parallel mindset.
Thank you all for posting, sometimes reading the progress you've made has kept me hanging one. Knowing that it is possible to heal, show up for life and loved ones.
It really is the intimacy that gets stolen. Monetary, chores or helping other in a non-relational way....that works. But to be seen by a loving spouse of 36yrs, not having to dissociate during "life", that is hard. Loving someone so much tho having to always remember/consider the abuse and its effects...so tiring!!
Today is one of those hard days, having to accept its not me...its not me that he is reacting to. The past is still controlling his reactions because i believe from the bottom of my heart he the man i fell in love with and is inside him , would make or have a different response to me. He still runs from the base that he has to isolate and protect himself. But from me.....really. it hurts to the core.
Enough rambles, again a thank you to all that post, because you without knowing it have kept this spouse hanging in there.
D
My H had some severe health issues and survival was my only goal. Things have calmed a bit and gosh you wouldn't believe it, but the wake csa left in its past is still here.....i say with a wink.
In some ways the pain i feel is a bit deeper, because i worked so hard at keeping him literally alive that i feel after all of this he could now work on resolving the trauma and dissociation. As my therapist says......expectations are the hardest thing to manage.
I have read all the posts during this time. Some new members have such a parallel mindset.
Thank you all for posting, sometimes reading the progress you've made has kept me hanging one. Knowing that it is possible to heal, show up for life and loved ones.
It really is the intimacy that gets stolen. Monetary, chores or helping other in a non-relational way....that works. But to be seen by a loving spouse of 36yrs, not having to dissociate during "life", that is hard. Loving someone so much tho having to always remember/consider the abuse and its effects...so tiring!!
Today is one of those hard days, having to accept its not me...its not me that he is reacting to. The past is still controlling his reactions because i believe from the bottom of my heart he the man i fell in love with and is inside him , would make or have a different response to me. He still runs from the base that he has to isolate and protect himself. But from me.....really. it hurts to the core.
Enough rambles, again a thank you to all that post, because you without knowing it have kept this spouse hanging in there.
D