Sometimes I forget he's a survivor

Sometimes I forget he's a survivor
W

wifenneed

After having months of wonderful interaction, or however long it may have been since the last time my husband pulled away to cope, I do something stupid and make him retreat to his silent world. When things are SO GOOD it is easy to slip into thinking and feeling he will always be comfortable. But alas it's not true and I feel like a total idiot for hurting my husband, and I didn't even know it was coming on, didn't even know it after it happened. After having a long evening of talking and then preparing for bed, and being able to talk and laugh IN bed, with no other intentions on our minds, I touched him like have done so many times before, and he closed down. I didn't even know it, I just said I love you, good night, with no response. Sometimes he teases me and pretends to be hurt by something and then starts to giggle after he's been silent for a momemt, so I was thinking maybe that's what's happening. But after asking if he would at lest say goodnight to me, then I knew. It is hard knowing that there are no constants and that at any time something might go wrong, and feling like I caused it, and he hasn't contacted me all day. This from a man who calls me like clock work just to say hello and I love you throughout the day.

I feel awful for hurting him, when I didn't know it, and I feel awful because I'm hurt that this man won't even acknowledge me. Not even when I got up with him this morning and asked what was wrong, (because I still didn't understand what happened the night before), he refuses ot look at me or answer me. This makes me feel so incredibly bad, even asking in a non-confrontational manner, and nothing. All I could do was apologize and go back to bed and cry.

Sometimes I forget he's a survivor because our lives are so "normal" at all other times. Sorry all, I'm just feeling like a scmuck because I hurt him some how, and alsoefelling hurt by him for ignoring me entirely and completely, all at the same time. How can our lives be so great and running so smoothly and then I don't even know what's coming? I feel like my sense of discernment has failed me, and him!!
 
GRRRRRRRR!

I know this is very painful for you - BUT:

at this stage of the game, it is also your HUSBAND'S responsibility to COMMUNICATE to his loving wife when, in fact, he is feeling uncomfortable!!!! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!

Being a rape survivor myself, I know that I went through a very loooooong period of extreme self-centeredness that I eventually grew out of - we ALL go through this! BUT - that does NOT make it OK & that does not make it acceptable!!!! Sorry for the burst of "tough love," but Survivors can only benefit from being held to the same standards of civility as everyone else! We are their friends, their spouses, occaisionally even their lovers - but we are not their "enablers."

This is NOT to say that we should be unsympathetic or churlish or cruel or meanspirited. However. Having been abused does NOT give one license to hurt those who truly love & support us!

I DO understand the tendency to place "blame" on oneself, but how many eggshells do we have to crush under our feet, for goodness sake, before we "prove" ourselves????

I repeat: it appears to me that you have done nothing wrong, quite the contrary. And I believe you are owed an apology.

Having a mental illness like PTSD is a very, very difficult way to live - but it is not an excuse.

Sorry for the rant! I hope I am not sounding like a nasty meany!!!

:eek:

I think those who "know" me on this site will recognize my PROFOUND admiration for their struggles & their dignity. But sometimes we all need a little nudge to get ourselves back on our best behavior.

So, My Dear:


Take a deep breath & get back in there & "fight" for what you believe in: yourself.

BIG HUG!!!!


:J
 
Kolisha
once again you tell it like it is !

Somedays I know I'm a pig, and I have no excuse for being a pig. But when I'm in 'pig mode' the only way out of it is being told I'm a pig !
I don't like it at the time, but I get over it.

And I seem to it less often as well, curious that ??

Dave
 
Dave the only time you might be called that is when you tip off roading into mud. :D
 
Kolisha is right, there's a difference between forgetting and not knowing in the first place. If you've been asked not to do or say something, and you do it, then you're responsible for that. If you never knew that what you were doing would hurt him, then I understand how you feel terrible about it, but it's up to him to let you know, and up to both of you to cut you a little slack.

I really do understand the feeling terrible. My boyfriend and I were just talking in bed one night when I said what must have been the wrong thing because he FROZE.. I mean stopped moving, glassy eyes, etc... then he started retching... when he "came back" he said he didn't even remember the last thing I'd said. I don't know when I've felt worse about anything I've done.

SAR
 
Well, let me start by saying that your husband is very lucky to have you. I have wanted badly to have somebody so willing to help me the way you are. At the same time I can relate somewhat to how he reacted. I've only been able to talk to a couple people in my life about my past. It seems there always comes a point where I want to pull away and shut down.....I'm not very in touch with myself so I can't say if I don't feel I deserve such good people or if I'm afraid of being that close or if I just want to keep the pain for some strange reason. I do know its very hard to share and deal with all these feelings. Your husband has been very brave and it sounds like you have too in order for him to come as far as he has. As mentioned already....a little tough love can be helpful but pushing too hard could cause a retreat. I don't know where the line is but if you find it please share it with all of us. You seem like a great person for him and you have no reason to feel hurt. Just be patient and keep doing what you're doing.
 
Well, after my 1/2 hour drive home from work last night, wondering what I would encounter when I got home, there on the kitchen table was a beautiful bunch of flowers with a note that just said "I'm sorry" and "I love you". My husband was not home as he had gone for a rollerblade, so I was able to blubber a little bit while putting the flowers in a vase. I thanked him when he came home and gave him a hug, and nothing more has been said about it, whatever it ws that happened. I had dinner plans with friends so I left shortly after this, and when I returned he had made a fire in the fireplace and lit candles.

This complete turnaround has left me baffled, but thankful. We just made small talk and sat and watched the fire. I didn't know what to do, I was mixed up a bit at the 180 turns that had been made in the last 24 hours.

I appreciate the "tough love" post above, very much. There are times where I would like to say, hey, I deserve some common courtesy when I'm at least trying to know whathappened and what is wrong", but from years of this it's best to let him com earound later and then we can usually talk about it. The ramifications from abuse stretch out so far from the survivor, out into his (or her) world. I want to be the non-pressurizing agent that is there waiting for him until after the storm has passed. This has been the shortest period by far as far as turnaround time, and maybe I had something to do with it in that I didn't pressure him, keep asking him anything, I just stepped away and waited. I know he must feel bad about his behavior (hence flowers and little note), so today that is enough. Part of me still wishes I could understand better, but without open blatant honest sommunication at the time of the shutdown, it's impossible. Hopefully in a day or two he'll feel good enough to talk to me about. I don't know if I should even ask what happened. I'd like to elude to him what what Kolisha said: "Survivors can only benefit from being held to the same standards of civility as everyone else!" That I want to be treated respectfully in these situations. All it would take is "I'm struggling with some old ghosts right now, I'm not mad at you, I just need a little time to sort it out. Thank you for being here and loving me while I do this". That's it, that's all. Any litle shred of communication to let me know something would be adequate, but at these times he's just not capable of anything. Well, enough blathering from me for a while. Thanks all-

And Dave I don't know how you could ever be considered swine! :)

Thanks,
Kathy
 
Kathy

All it would take is "I'm struggling with some old ghosts right now, I'm not mad at you, I just need a little time to sort it out. Thank you for being here and loving me while I do this".
Click to expand...
This is EXACTLY how I feel in 'pig' mode, and for some reason I seem to shut out all logical thought and not say these things. I just freeze up and sink deeper into the pit I'm frantically digging.
When I'm not digging and rational, I KNOW that this is the sort of thing I should say, and Linda tells me to say "something, anything, let me f******g know !". She really does go mad at me about this, but I just seem to get on this pre-determined route and stick to it.

So I buy flowers and leave little notes as well.

Sometimes it seems that it's these 'peripheral' problems that take the most shifting.
I think it might be that they are something we've taught ourselves as part of our defence stratergies and it's harder for us to leave them behind. They served us well for a long time.
The simple act of not saying what bothers us at any one time has many different roots besides our self taught defences. It's a natural 'macho' thing for a start, we don't want to admit to feeling bad and we certainly don't want to bother 'you' with it.

"MEN" that's part of the problem, it's how 'men' deal with crap - vastly magnified !

Dave.
 
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