Sometimes I feel that... *trigger*

Sometimes I feel that... *trigger*
S

Sick Puppy

Registrant
...I do not deserve to live on this earth because of that thing that I have done... because I have had sex with my own mother. It seems like the ultimate wrong. Those guys on death row, they just killed somebody, that's all. Me... I had sex with my mother.

I feel like every job I'm fired from, every friendship lost, is because they somehow found out about what I did and couldn't stand to be near me. Before my mother went to prison last year she used to come over my house and call a lot and she would tease me and taunt me. She would say that I was dirty and disgusting and that the reason no one liked me is because they all knew what I did with her. Everybody talked behind my back and wished I was dead. Every time I walk past a stranger something in my head says they know about it and they're laughing and disgusted.

I remember until recently I was afraid to sleep in the same bed as someone else in case I talked in my sleep and they found out my secret. I never told any of my partners about it until my current one and all I've ever said to him is "my mother sexually abused me and had incest with me." Not another word spoken. Sometimes I talk to him about the other sexual abuse but never the incest. It seems like too dark of a secret. Even the word conjures up images of inbred white trash families that everyone turns their nose up at. I guess I'm white trash but I don't like to think about it. It seems like in this world it's a logical impossibility for mother/son incest to be unwilling on the part of the son so I must have wanted it somehow. I guess I could excuse myself when I was very young but it went on until I was 14 or so. At that age I must have wanted it or I just wouldn't have let her do it. I wasn't that big or strong but neither was she. I don't know...

I just can't talk about it, even to my best friends. I've stopped denying it but I can't talk about it, really, aside from just mentioning it and going no further. I feel like I'm stained all over from it. I feel like no matter how good my life might get I'm still that guy who fucked his mother. And that makes me more worthless than dirt.
 
i remember the first time i had sex with a dog. talk about feeling set appart! i felt like no other human on earth could be as sick as i was. i had to be in some other class, a monster perhaps. there is nothing more destructive than believing you are less than human, or only worthy of death and penance. those feelings drove me to some pretty sick stuff. i kept pushing and going deeper and deeper. the deeper i went, the worse i felt, so i went a little further. it is awful.

guess what? you arent the first boy to sleep with his mother, and i can gaurentee you wont be the last. i used to really hide the bestiality too, but as i revealed to more and more, i was surprised just how many have been there. you arent sick, and you arent alone. you are abused and confused. it's okay to get a little messed up in life. that is only human. dont classify yourself as less than what you are. you are perfectly fine. it is the abusers who are all screwed up, and the world that makes it possible for them to abuse.
jeff
 
...I do not deserve to live on this earth because of that thing that I have done... because I have had sex with my own mother. It seems like the ultimate wrong. Those guys on death row, they just killed somebody, that's all. Me... I had sex with my mother.
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Josh, your mother had sex with you.
Your mother killed you; she murdered your soul. Just as mine did. That doesn't mean you & I don't deserve to live. We deserve to and we can.

It seems like in this world it's a logical impossibility for mother/son incest to be unwilling on the part of the son so I must have wanted it somehow. I guess I could excuse myself when I was very young but it went on until I was 14 or so. At that age I must have wanted it or I just wouldn't have let her do it. I wasn't that big or strong but neither was she. I don't know...
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Bullshit! That's the stinkin thinkin your mother and this world has warped your mind to from when you were very young. By the time you were 14 or so your mind & your body, your thots & your hormones, were so trained why would you resist & why would you not want it. Your mother held emotional power over you stronger than the muscles of Atlas, Josh. I know. So did mine. :(
:o :mad:

I just can't talk about it, even to my best friends. I've stopped denying it but I can't talk about it, really, aside from just mentioning it and going no further. I feel like I'm stained all over from it. I feel like no matter how good my life might get I'm still that guy who fucked his mother. And that makes me more worthless than dirt.
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Josh, you did not f*ck your mother she f*cked you--in more ways than one.
smi22.gif

Josh, we are not mother f*ckers; we are mother f*cked!

Our mothers stained us & got us dirty; that means we're dirty, but it doesn't mean we're dirt!

Man it's not even our fault we're dirty from this mud our mothers slung all over us.

Yeah we still gotta clean it off, with a little help from our friends.

Those mothers sure won't do it.
smi%2020.gif

And I wouldn't let her get near me anyway!

Josh, we're in the right place to get cleaned up from all the dirt we didn't ask for! :)

Victor
 
SP
We think the craziest things when we're affected by our pasts.

Every time I walk past a stranger something in my head says they know about it and they're laughing and disgusted.
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When I was acting out, or winding myself up to go acting out, I would walk around thinking to myself "I know things they don't know, I do things they don't. They don't know I like to suck cock......"
And on and on it would go as I tried to imagine the reaction of other people to my "terrible secrets"

But quite a few people do know what I did, not only about the abuse but my acting out, and to my surprise they're still talking to me, still my friends.
Why ? because I had discovered my own truths I could explain my actions to others without it sounding like a list of excuses - or a defence in court after getting caught giving BJ's in a bog ! ( rest room to you guys )

When you've accepted it completely, and that's hard to do I know, then you'll be 'cool' with it and it'll become easier to explain to those around you.

Believe in yourself, the rest will follow.

Dave
 
Jeff
there is nothing more destructive than believing you are less than human, or only worthy of death and penance. those feelings drove me to some pretty sick stuff. i kept pushing and going deeper and deeper. the deeper i went, the worse i felt, so i went a little further. it is awful.
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It doesn't matter what we do as a result of our SA - it so often comes back to this problem.
We feel like shit, so we act like shit.

And it's a downhill spiral once we start, one we don't seem able to escape from until we hit the bottom. Sometimes we dig a deeper bottom.

But I do know that disclosing my increasingly risky acting out blew it wide open for me and stopped it.
( 5 years and 4 days now. )

What led me to act out in VERY public places started a long time ago with nothing more than reading the desperate graffiti on the toilet walls and 'wondering what went on' - I knew allright, the same as I did as a kid. But I still wondered, then I masturbated, then I called at the toilets deliberately, then.....
And on it goes.

I don't think it's a process of escalation so much as a process of degradation, once we're tied into the cycle we need to make ourselves feel even more worthless.

I'm glad you've made the choice to reclaim your worth Jeff, I know I made the right choice.

Dave
 
Josh- This is Frank, I know who you feal. As you
already know I am 53 years old. I have had these
feelings for 40 years. I am glad I have now found
you and the others to talk with. I think this will
help us both. Remember that some things are going
good in your life, there is your relationship, the
upcoming move to a exciting part of this country.
You might even find a live survivers group in progress in Santa Fe, or in Albuquerque just a hour down the road. I think you might find peace
in helping others. Either survivers, or even hurting or sick children. I sometimes find peace
by looking into things that hardly any Americans
are interested in such as philosophy and religion
from Asia, such as Jains, and Sikhs. These people
comming from a different culture can we for gentle
toward us because of the way they grew up and learned things in life. Their are so many cultures
and other kinds of people in Santa Fe you are going to love it there. And you will find as you
mix with other kinds of people your feeling of being white trash will be less. That is the reason I myself hang around with other races of people. Maybe you will take some classes, maybe
learn some Spanish. I hope you cheer up as you can
still have a good life inspite of the incest. Also
when you start getting some money it is very important to treat yourself regularly, Even if just litter things, Like a nice pair or jeans,
a new CD, We that have this inner hurt need to
have friend, and things we like in our life as it
does ease some of the psychologiccal pain. I hope
to hear from you myself again some day. And Keep on Keeping On and Enjoy Yourself You Deserve It.
 
Hey SP,

I've been thinking lately that that the bad feelings our perps inject into our lives in the way you described is one of the biggest sources of our pain. No matter what they did to us, they try to make us think we are worst human beings on the planet and that it was all our ideas and our faults and we deserved it. I learned when I read about verbal abuse that anger (they direct at us, and they trick us into directing at ourselves) and guilt are the tools they use to manipulate and control us.

I'm not saying that all guilt is bad, and that I shouldn't be disapointed in myself if I have done something legitimately wrong, but it seems like they twist the facts and place the blame where it doesn't belong.

I go into this in a little more depth in another string in the members section:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000059

Peace
MO Healing
 
Little Wolf Pup (not sick)
I just can't talk about it, even to my best friends. I've stopped denying it but I can't talk about it, really, aside from just mentioning it and going no further. I feel like I'm stained all over from it. I feel like no matter how good my life might get I'm still that guy who fucked his mother. And that makes me more worthless than dirt.
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There is no possible way on gods green earth that you are worthless. You are here with us and have helped many of us in unbelievable ways. Your compassion and generosity is terrific and that is a tremendous strength.
As someone else said you were fucked by her; mentally and physically and dont you ever forget that.

Sure it is easy to feel the guilt cause that is how you coped. You are not coping now my brother wolf pup you are healing with the pack. There is not a brother wolf who would feel ashamed to stand shoulder to shoulder with you to defend your self respect and dignity.

So pick yourself up and dont dwell on it. You gotta remember that you are not the sick one. You are a healing wolf with the rest of us and by god one way or the other we will all be whole again

Your big old brother shaggy wolf
Mike
AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
I haven't altered Mike's post - just chopped his howl down a bit so it fit's on the page.

It wasn't painful. ;)

Dave
 
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