Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting on a fence

[fusionoflove]

I'd been living in denial of what happened to me for over a year. Now that I'm able to put a name to it, I've able to see the new world I want to be in before my eyes. It sits right in front of me.

The old world sits behind me. I no longer live in it, but I can still sense it. Everytime I'm triggered it seems that I do a 180 degree turn and all I can see is the old world. It trys to grab me again, to use and abuse me. This time around though, I can fight these negative thoughts, emotions and feelings that have haunted me because I've now seen the world of love, compassion and connectedness. This I think keeps me going.

In this new world my soul is waiting, hoping. My soul is not a monster, a pervert, a manipulator, a control freak, a sexual predator, damaged goods, or not worth the love of a women. In the old world, that's how the attacker made me feel before and after the assault. I want to jump down off the fence and embrace this new world, but I feel that at times I'm not ready. Why? Why do I continue to sit on top of a fence and watch the world pass around me?

 

[blueelectron9]

The old world sits behind me. I no longer live in it, but I can still sense it. Everytime I'm triggered it seems that I do a 180 degree turn and all I can see is the old world. It trys to grab me again, to use and abuse me.

That's what it's like for me, too. Tonight I'm doing a downward spiral and I seem to be getting triggered by people who wouldn't normally trigger me. I'm just trying to sit with it and be okay with it. I'm not 100% sure what to do to make the feeling go away and I sometimes allow myself to enjoy a little denial. It's the denial that keeps me from 2and progressing, for so long as I can at least acknowledge that I'm having a difficult time, rather than try to pretend that it doesn't exist, I grow a little more.

In this new world my soul is waiting, hoping. My soul is not a monster, a pervert, a manipulator, a control freak, a sexual predator, damaged goods...

I think it's terrific that you can see this. It doesn't sound like denial to me.

Sending good thoughts your way,
Scotty

 

[outis]

Fusionoflove,

I revert to denial at times. It's better to do that than to revert fully to the worst "coping mechanisms" I ever used.

I like the fence analogy. A clear dividing line, but not the same as a wall. From one side of the fence you can see the other, see what you left behind or what you are striving to reach. It is striving. It takes effort. Is there anyone here who registered and posted within a few hours of the first time he was abused? Anyone here who is not trying to undo years or decades of bad habits, dysfunctional behaviors, anachronistic protections?

I really like that fence analogy a lot. I wrote to Guy yesterday that I don't think I'll ever be completely healed. After all, I will always be able to see what I left on the other side of the fence.

Good luck in getting to the healthy side. Let us know if you need a boost from time to time.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Lloydy]

Sometimes we do fall off the fence, but in the end I think we fall onto the good side much more often.

And when we do fall onto the 'bad' side, the fence seems to be lower and that much easier to climb.

It does get better guys, maybe not overnight, but it does.

Dave

 

[Bill_1965]

fusion,

I think you hit the feeling on the head. We "are" on top of a perverbial fence. Sometimes our perch is firm and steady. Sometimes, well, its not very steady and a good wind can blow us off. Even if we fall off, we can climb right back up.

Bill

 

[Leosha]

There is that saying of 'familiarity breeds contempt'. But it also breeds comfort. We are used to certain things. For other things, even those that would probably be better for us, it is hard because it involves change. Change is hard for us. Change can represent chaos, which we have known so much. So even if you can see the new world from that fence, it is not the easiest thing to let go of what we know. Give yourself credit for being even on the fence. Don't down yourself for taking time to understand the changes that can happen with you going into the new life. You will get there. Enjoy your successes, and credit yourself with them. Good luck to you.

Leosha