sometimes I feel like giving up (TW) I'm safe though

pedropedro

Registrant
I've just been exhausted. I have put so much work into getting better. I look back at my life and I haven't lived up to the promise I had when I was younger. I lost my dreams due to mental illnes from a stroke and sexual abuse. I can never find love. I know the reason why I'm single is because I can barely even force myself to shake hands with a woman. I look at my body in the mirror and I feel so disgusted and ashamed. And what do I have to do for women not to hate me? Will my pain never end? Should I just end it all (no actual violent urges or plans don't worry)? Should I cave in and be the only thing I can in order not to be feared? To become a woman? It's actually my worst fear and NO it has nothing to do with not wanting to be a woman because I supposedly treat women horribly. To be honest, I probably treat a lot of women better than they treat themselves. If women trigger me so much why not give up on women? Why not just say not associate with any woman anymore? Avoid them in public, etc? What can I do?
 

Celtaf

Registrant
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can understand some of what you are saying, as I have had similar feelings. You wrote that you are tired from all the work you are doing trying to get better. What work is that? Do you feel that you have made no progress?
 

pedropedro

Registrant
Oh I've made tons of progress. It's a struggle, especially battling with both misogynistic feelings and internalized misandry.
 
I haven't lived up to the promise I had when I was younger.
Hey pedro, the thing about this is that almost everyone feels like this in some way, not just those of us who have been through abuse.

I bet there are many ways you can think of that you've grown.
 

pedropedro

Registrant
The past few days I have been lamenting what I've lost due to my adverse experiences (having a college degree, a job, a family, etc). But today I've realized I've had gifts from these experiences too. I have the luxury of doing volunteer work that is sorely needed,. Since I'm not a father, I can focus on being the uncle that everyone needs. I've also learned a lot. Both men and women need both men and women. I don't think we need romance. But I've benefited from good relationships with both. As a man, i am able to scare away predatory men. I think more and more women are realizing their strength in scaring off abusive women. I'm still learning how to tell my story (and the story of a tragically large number of men) without comparing to women. I think we truly need more support for female survivors. I don't need to contrast between that and male survivors. I think most women find it just as unacceptable that in the entire state of Minnesota, there isn't a single male-only sexual abuse support group. Not EVEN at the Twin Cities Men's Center. Yes I realize my experience makes people uncomfortable. Discomfort is part of growth. Yes, I've seen "rapey" comments from guys and have had to cut some out of my life. I think most women either are aware or are receptive to be aware that I have seen and heard a lot of these comments from women. Due to finally dealing with my trauma, I've gained trust in a lot of people,,,, and helped others heal too. If it hadn't been for my possible stroke, i never would have met a lot of super awesome people

I've gotten so much support and even allies. Even people I know only to a limited extent I have grown to respect greatly. I don't think it's so unusual that there are a few people, however, who I will leave a business to avoid. I'm learning to deal with the dicotomy of people i value and even enjoy spending time with,. But who seam to be wilfully ignorant. I think the more people who are aware of the burdens many other people deal with the better. And it's a two-way street. I simply didn't know many of the things that affect others. I also think those who truly are outright biggoted don't have the respect of their own communities. Lack of Awareness doesn't imply guilt. Yes, Black people, including Black police officers, face à greater risk of being shot. It's not my fault. But now that I'm aware I can learn to do something about it. The same is true for all demographic groups
 
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