Something Uplifiting As I Am In a Bad Place

[KMCINVA]

I have been struggling as of late due to certain actions and words by others, setting me back and putting me in a place thinking is life worth living. I go in circles on this and have no motivation and have little care what happens to all aspects of my life. Friends rally, give me support and encouragement but it does not hit a chord.

A few hours ago, I was with people and my phone rang. I could not pick it up but caller ID let me know it was a person I have spoken with numerous times from the Diocese where the abuse occurred. She has been very consoling and has in the past encouraged me to meet with the Bishop. I think she knows more than she lets on about the abuse. She has been good and extends herself in being there for the survivors. My heart pounded when I saw her name. A person I was meeting with asked was I alright, I said yes. I asked why, they said your face just changed to serious and the blood dropped from my face.

Well I was finally able to listen to the message about an hour ago. I thought she may have called to encourage me to meet with Bishop or participate in one of the new programs. I skipped through the previous messages in the voice mail and when I got to hers I listened with trepidation. It was a very kind message. Telling me she and the Diocese are thinking and praying for me. Telling me she knows how difficult it is to live with the abuse and everything else in my life. She said anytime I need to talk, call. I started to cry. I do not know why and thankfully I was in an office by myself. I think I needed to hear something kind from those I know wronged me. Not that she wronged me but rather the priest and his Diocese.

I write this because seeing it helps me realize people are here for me and when I get like this, I let the wrong people have control over my life. I need to focus on those who have supported me and not those who have hurt me and put fire into the wounds of the abuse. Those that have pushed me into despair.

It all seems so easy to write. I had been good and now I struggle emotionally, financially and as a person who once had drive, motivation and to be there for others. I want that back again. After listening to the message I spoke with my friend. I was surprised we connected at this hour. It was a wonderful call, as all are, she listened and cried with me when I told her of the call and how I reacted. She said sometimes it is a stranger or someone who is not regularly in your life that can have a profound impact on you at a particular moment. I never expected a call from the Diocese. She said it is almost like they knew you are in trouble and want to send a message of help, a way to right the wrong of the past.

Writing and re-reading is my way of venting and trying to rebound from several months of feeling attacked and making me feel like a worthless child. I will be doing more writing in my journal. I guess the woman from the Diocese made me feel valued and not forgotten.

Sorry ad thank you for listening.

 

[Obi]

no need to be sorry for posting this.

it is always a great feeling to know that we are valued, not forgotten, validated...

keep that as blessing to continue your journey. you are worth it to so many people.

 

[traveler]

K -

This was encouraging to read - so I am sure that it must have been even more so for you to have experienced it. I am so glad to hear that there has been a light in your recent dark time. you definitely deserve it. I consider you to be one of the most inspirational examples of someone who has overcome extreme obstacles in your recovery journey. I hope this will be the beginning of a long upward trend in your life after a temporary setback.

Peace & Love,
Lee

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you for the kind words and support. It is a difficult time for me, you think you have it under control and then wham something happens and it brings back all the memories that seemed to be in check.

I too hope it will change and be a long upward trend. I struggle feeling loss of self. I look back, years ago I had drive, I had motivation, I had the desire to achieve and then the syncope and first round of nightmares and flashbacks began. And then for years I struggled but no one would listen. It was the memories, nightmares and flashbacks, I fought those nights alone, hiding from the children who were in my sole care. Then years go by and it escalates and I am falling apart and all signs are ignored. I was struggling all I hear is I need a pool and everything that comes with it, even then that was not enough, we did not get the stone mason walls. I had begged not to get the pool because I was falling apart, but my warning signs were ignored. I struggled and I said we were loosing everything and I was told I was dramatic. The attacks got worse and I was unraveling.

I fell apart and I just want to heal, recover and rebuild and at every step there is an attack. Over the past several months I have heard from several people, old friends and family near and far, the stories told without mention of the CSA, just what a horrible person I was as I was falling apart. No mention of the triggers. I have told a few some of what occurred because I can tell the source of their information. Then the social media attacks and the false Ashley Madison attacks have put me on overload. Feeling vulnerable allowing myself to slip, the episode of dissociation, the nightmares and flashbacks. The flashbacks come unexpected. I had to leave a yoga class recently, a move I have done over and over and this one time it sent memories of the abuse to my brain. Even when I am doing cardio I find myself flinching because a sensation of the abuse returns. Some people next to me asked if I was alright. I said yes, just tired and a little dizzy. Never have I experienced these sensations before.

I have been told by many professionals to cut off the negative forces/people from my life. I am doing it for real this time. I want to heal, recover and rebuild but these negatives take every opportunity to prevent it by their words, actions, denials and need to dismiss the CSA. I believe their denial and dismissive of the CSA weakens me because it is a way to devalue the trauma I lived as well as how it impacted me. No child or adult should be made to feel this way about the abuse. I am done no more for me, their destructive words and actions are only further destroying me. I would like to help, but I am drowning myself emotionally and financially. How can I rebuild when all they do is knock me down. It is the on going destruction and abandonment I feel from those that expect me to keep giving and/or who deny the CSA and triggers.

I was at a milestone celebration for someone, it was his second anniversary of sobriety. A wonderful event to celebrate. His counselor from Christian Ministries was there. We talked and she said most addictions, self abuse, self destruction and other mental conditions are rooted in some form of childhood trauma from abuse, abandonment even if temporary, alcoholic or depressive parent, bullying by peers or even constant teasing by family members. She said everyone thinks of trauma as witnessing a murder, being kidnapped. It is just what goes on in families. She said part of their program is working with the families because they can enable and cause further destruction by their behaviors. I told her part of my story and she said what triggered me into dissociation was real, their actions were reminiscent of the abuse, which was my trauma. She asked if they had spoken to therapists and honestly told them you were locked in a room and had to climb out a window reminding you of the child in the church cellar who peered out the windows as the abuse was occurring, you were spat on and it was a reminder of the holy water that he sprinkled you with to cleanse you and so on. I said I doubted if they have been honest about the triggers and what went on. She said those are behaviors that need to be addressed. I told her of some of the recent events and she said it is just a continuation of destructive behavior.

I think I have heard from many professionals and the recommendations are always the same,I must cut bait. I have said I am doing it but never follow through 100%, before I am pushed to drastic measures against myself. I have thought and felt this need that the alternative may be the only way out and it scares me. I have emergency numbers in my phone and I have friends who have told me no matter time of day to call. My children not a word of support. I thought of death in the past but only prayed to be taken in my sleep. Now these new feelings scare me.

I am done, they need help and no longer will I be the whipping boy or I will soon be 10 ft below ground.

The call from the Diocese made me realize the institution responsible for the abuse and my life is seeking some level of contrition and those around who pushed me to dissociate, unravel continue on a destructive path and see no need for contrition. It does not seem right.

As I struggle I learn more and more about myself. When I was abandoned at the hospital after my episodes I have learned it was not only the adult that was abandoned but the child who I had abandoned felt abandoned by those around. The fragmentation of the child and the rest of me has been a dynamic in my life that led to much hurt for myself and others and self abuse.

I feel better now. I have talked to several people today who have helped me. I am alright now.

Thank you.

Kevin

 

[tommyb]

(Kevin)


"The fragmentation of the child and the rest of me has been a dynamic in my life that led to much hurt for myself and others."

Here for you.

 

[SayItRight]

Kevin:

Glad to hear you received an encouraging call from an individual at the Diocese.

Very glad to hear you're making the choice to cut ties with the people who seek to cause you distress and who used to ignore the signs about how you were doing.

I look above and see you have 2,377 posts. The vast majority of those are posts in which you are tirelessly encouraging others. I have personally benefited from your support and encouragement and still do.

Going forward, I hope you receive equal measures of the hope, encouragement, and support you so generously provide - from sources expected and unexpected.

SayIt

 

[LinEar]

This really stood out to me: She said anytime I need to talk, call. I started to cry.

I get this feeling, sometimes not at the time it's said, but often later when replaying it in my mind. I guess it's just the temporary feeling of relief that triggers it.

 

[KMCINVA]

Obi, Lee, Tommyb, Say It Right

Thank you for the support. I am having trouble sleeping and re-read your words--very encouraging.

I was surprised and scared when I saw the caller Id. The woman who runs the Safe Environment has been the kindest person from the first day I called. I remember at the joint session with the local diocese her words and emotions. She knew what had happened. I believe she has put two and two together and knows. It is strange the call came when I feel this way and also after I learned the abuser has moved from his home to the retirement home because of the need for care with the other priest he shared a home.

I have not called her back, I do not know what to say feeling this way. I feel I had come so far and now to regress to feeling this low. No one should do this to a person.

I am thankful for her call because it helps, doesn't resolve the issues but knowing the Diocese reached out to me adds value to my life. I guess my face told a story to those with me. One person in the group knows of the abuse and one day I will tell him who it was on the phone. He said to me I thought you were going to pass out.

I am so tired, I just want a good nights sleep, free of thoughts of everything. I need to clear the head. It is days and nights like this when I wish my friend was here, she can do something to me no one else can. But I need to learn that it is not what it is to be.

Kevin

Thank you for the support. I will

 

[KMCINVA]

Long night no sleep, much thinking and writing. Putting thoughts to paper and pen and re-reading for some reason helps me to see what I cannot see--if that makes any sense. I feel lost but hopefully I find a path to bring me back to me.

I found myself going to the page on the net that people have posted photos, news articles and memories of life in my home town. There are photos of various graduations (8th grade) at the Catholic school I attended. Right in the front row in several sits my abuser. I found myself staring at him, comparing him to a more recent photo (not sure how recent it is). The same smirk, maybe I look deeper because of all I lived. I read the comments by others, some comment on him in a very negative way, and I have wondered are these guys other of his victims. I would like to contact but fear raising unwanted memories.

I wonder if he has regrets, remorse for what he did. He speaks in the more recent article of his life, his giving of himself and elsewhere he is quoted children are like a diamond in the rough that need to be molded. Well he sure did that with me and others.

I know I need to make peace with him, not forgive nor accept him, but peace. I am not quite sure of the differences in peace and forgiveness.

I see he has lived a long life and I wonder how long mine will be.

 

[woodenshoes]

Kevin

I have read many of your posts. You are a good person remember the support you have given to others. I hope you can continue to move forward and leave the ones that make it difficult for you behind. I hope you are able to get some rest.

((((kevin))))

We are here for you.

 

[KMCINVA]

Woodenshoe and Lin Ear

Thank you. I try to support others and I know how difficult it is sometimes to accept the support. I know I have support but the demons and the negative forces/people perpetuate half truths and lies about what happened. They make me feel as though the abuse was not real or it was really my fault. Their lack of encouragement and support to heal is stifling. I heard them in the past laugh about the abuse, not just them but also hearing others they told, educated people supposedly, laughing at the CSA as being ridiculous. Hearing they continue to tell these stories and dismiss CSA makes the battle harder for me, because they work hard to convince others it is not true.

I am trying to get rest but all this has raised the memories and sensations of the abuse. Yesterday's call from the Diocese helped but I am still working through it and have not yet returned the call. I am listening to her words over and over and it seems to help mitigate the negative emotions and feelings others have left me with from their tales. She is definitely a kind woman who understands, those that doubt should speak with people who understand CSA. I get riled when I think of the words I heard from friends and family about what happened as I unraveled from CSA. I need to let the words go.

I am trying to get some rest but I wake up with flashbacks and nightmares. They are different, I hear the words others have said about the CSA and then he appears, I see him and feel him.

A friend bought me a natural sleeping aid which I will take tonight. I just need a good nights sleep. I still have some anti-anxiety medication which I took today. It seems to be helping.

I guess it is just another phase of healing. I just hate this feeling of helplessness, the lack of motivation, the inability to focus. Everything has been falling apart for the past 4 or five months since this all began. I just never had the feeling it would be alright to end it.

Thank you for the kind words.

Kevin

 

[woodenshoes]

kevin

Please reach out anytime. We are here for you. You are important to us. (((((kevin)))))

Ws

 

[LinEar]

Thank you for your follow-up, Kevin. It's difficult to hear what you're going through but your openness and insight is also much appreciated.

Flashbacks and nightmares are two different things for me as well. Nightmares don't happen too often at the moment, thankfully (at least that I remember), but I wear a fitness/sleep tracker and it shows that I rarely enter into deep sleep and usually wake up for a few minutes every hour or two. So I'm probably just not remembering most of them. Flashbacks for me used to be seeing him but now they tend to be body memories -- re-experiencing, feeling the need to shout "no" and push away at someone who I know isn't there but it feels I need to anyway. I'm not crazy.

I hope that the natural sleeping aid helped. I have some anti-anxiety medication as well but I shy away from it.

You're so important and valued, keep talking with us.

 

[justplainme]

the best thing i can say is this : " YOU'RE FUTURE IS YOUR'S, NO ONE TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU BUT YOURSELF."
BE BRAVE AND BE GLORIOUS WARRIOR.

 

[KMCINVA]

justplainme

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I know what you are saying but sometimes one feels beat up that it becomes hard to stand and take back your life. It is a terrible gripping and fearful feeling that I never experienced so deeply until now. Just the culmination of the abuse and what was done and continues to be done to hold me back by others. I am doing everything that worked in the past but now it is not working. Being sad, tired and alone even though people have rallied around me is the worse type of loneliness.

I keep reciting the words, darkest before the dawn--something I can visualize, darkness with the peering sunlight in the horizon. The horizon remains at a distance and I am trying to climb closer.

I have not given up. Writing for me has helped to let out the bad thoughts. I have written letters, not mailed, to those who pushed me to this place, describing my feelings and what I lived and at the end hope they get the help they desperately need. They need to look at the damage done to one trying to escape demons of the past that were so deep and controlling. Yes the abuse was real and gripped me for a lifetime. Crying, devaluing myself, fragmenting myself, praying to die, and then being pushed to despair when support and help was sought for years and years, being left when sick creating abandonment. I have come to understand, how deranged it may be, part of me felt abandoned by the abuser when he was transferred to another parish. Abandonment created more hurt and any child abandoned, no matter reason or duration, carries a wound that impacts their life. Part of me felt this abandonment and when I was sick and abandoned again the wounds were opened, but I did not realize this because I fought the truth of the abuse.

My journal I have begun to type because my handwriting is illegible, and I have difficulty reading. Maybe one day I will share with others the darkest feelings I lived as I tried to heal, the successes and setbacks, the support and those that opposed and discouraged my healing to protect their denial of the truth.

I am just in a low place and I know I will climb out, just when is the frustrating question. These feelings are strong and I hate them. I remember reading and talking with others who had this pain, and I could not truly understand it or feel it. Now understand feeling torn at my core. Truly one cannot understand a pain, an action or impact of words until they live it, but they can show compassion and support.

Thank you and your words are now etched in my brain and on a placard.

Kevin

 

[JW1230]

Kevin,

I know that words cannot take away the pain that you are feeling right now. I have been there my friend and there is no one prescription for finding our way out...but you WILL find your way out. I know that doesn't help much right now, but it is true...everything changes...the sky cannot stay grey & stormy forever. That's the analogy I try to remind myself of when it seems like I have slipped back into a very dark place again. I am sending you love and every positive thought I can right now. Try to be kind to yourself (at least to the best of your ability). ((((KEVIN))))

 

[justplainme]

i just want you to know, that we stand by you man. We are here for you. You are not alone.

And about trying everything you have tried in the past. Well i can tell you out of my experience that i usually used to cope with some aspect of the abuse, dealt with it, conquered it, and then something new popped up, tried the old method of filtering the issue through a analytical resolution within my mind and nothing worked, back to square one. Until i realized that the PROBLEM is the way I LOOK AT THE PROBLEM. I am a flawed human, with a huge scar inside me, but that pain and suffering if i feel it, if embrace it with all my being instead of trying to erase it, medicate it, forget it, i will be so much stronger. I will have used the very thing that tried to break me as a gauntlet, a truth lights up inside you, you don't need to hide, you are at your center. The truth is your's and it will set you free. Embrace your pain, live it, let it fuel your truth voyage. Inside the cave you seek to enter is the treasure you need the most. Fear is a obstacle, anger and outrage allies. FIGHT. FIGHT to the death and then FIGHT some more. Fall down 7 times get up 8. FIGHT. Do not go gentle in the night.

 

[SayItRight]

Kevin,

I'm glad to hear that you are journaling and reading and re-reading the words that help you.

There is no doubt you will get through this time, but I know from my own similar times how tough it can be: I'm glad that you're giving yourself the space you need to get through it.

I am writing to offer my support.

SayIt

 

[Rich1967]

((((((((((Kevin))))))))))

Sending you LOTS of love my friend.

 

[KMCINVA]

I am not sure if the extra hour of sleep has helped. Yesterday I was at a low. A psychiatrist who I have spoken with in the past and is a friend of my special friend spent time with me. We talk periodically and he sensed a change in my mood and sense of well-being. I know many around me do not have any sense of my despair and sense of maybe it is time for me. I think I have learned all too well to mask my emotions, something I learned because of CSA. Then there are those who see right through my charade. The doctor is one of them.

We talked, more like he asked questions to get me to think about my feelings and why I am having this period of despair. To make a long story short, he said there are three types of people, the enlightened who seek knowledge and wisdom, the opened hearted person who tries to understand but accepts they do not truly understand and do not seek the knowledge. They accept without judgment and support. And the last group, the unenlightened, those who believe they know everything and are extremely judgmental. He said this group is the cause of destruction in the world, from those who cause war and violate masses of people because they have secured power and in a micro way those that attack individuals to feel important and not to face their demons, issues and truths. The two former groups of people are people one can trust and seek support and the latter due to their own self esteem issues find power and acceptance by destroying others and espouse their knowledge, which is false. Their behavior protects them. He said many display and proclaim how much they do for others and at every opportunity they slander, make fun or belittle people. These he said are destructive people. Their stories cannot be believed. Those that surround them do so to fill their need of being loved and to protect themselves from the harshness of their words and actions.

We talked about my friends. The enlightened ones are people I met in recent years, world travelers and livers. They have seen the beauty of the world and destruction. They have welcomed and supported me. He knows many come state side for a period of time. We talked, and yes many or should I say most have taken positions abroad or are about to move overseas once again. He asked how I felt. I said I was happy for them, he said how to you feel about yourself. I said scared and afraid that without their support I will crumble. He asked if I valued them as human beings and I said yes. They have watched over me and taken care of me. He said I was feeling a sense of loss and I needed to face this loss. We then talked about my open hearted friends, I said I do not see them as frequently as the other group but I know they are there for me. He said so nothing has changed or will change with them. I said no.

Well the last group created a long discussion. He said the unenlightened have a way of gaining control over people, making them feel a need to be part of their inner circle, their lives. Ostracizing, ignoring, verbal attacks, spreading of stories that are incomplete and tell only one side are ways of destroying the person, making them wanting to be accepted by them. He said the abuser created this same type of feelings within me. It is a way for them to feel whole. He said the attacks by my children, their abandonment of me are related to their own sense of loss and abandonment. They cannot be abandoned by the same person who created these deeply seeded emotions. He said I have guilt for not being accepted by them as well as all the triggers and pain they inflicted and guilt because of the need for me to walk away from them and maybe never see them again or provide support above what is required. Having guilt on two ends of the spectrum is consuming me along with the loss of people who have been there for me. He said the sense of loss of the enlightened people can be overcome but the guilt my family has created on both spectrums will take soul searching. He said this conflict can be overwhelming. He said I need to think of myself first, I am the one in need of recovery and healing, I was the one abused. He said the selfishness of those who turn and attack is beyond comprehension because they hold no knowledge or understanding of CSA but they hold knowledge of the triggers, their sense of abandonment and self-esteem but have buried it where I had buried my abuse. He said one day they may seek help or they may wander through life without achieving their true dreams.

He turned to a different subject. He asked why I did not look at kept as I normally am. I guess I have not felt up to it and he asked about my hair. I have neglected it and he said it looks like a rats nest. I explained my hair hurt and to comb it was too much and to have it cut would be excruciating. He looked with surprise. I told him the real reason. I have been having these head sensations, as though someone is holding it. He asked did it bring back any memories and I said yes, the priest holding my head while he did what he did to me. He asked was my hair short or long at the time. I said all I ever had was a crew cut. He asked when I would feel his hands rubbing my head what would I do. I would stare out the transom windows and think this is my only way out. I said when he was done he would take the holy water and sprinkle it on my head and body. He said you never told me this, and I said I never really told anyone this specific thing. I said it brings back the memories and I am afraid if someone cuts my hair I will have a flashback. He mentioned things I previously told him about being locked in a room and the window as the only escape and being spat on, a liquid like the holy water after the ritual. He said that helps to explain why those events in your life were so triggering.

I told him I was recently a celebration of someones second anniversary of sobriety. His counselor was there and I was talking with her. She said the same thing as I told a bit of the setting of the abuse and how he ended it with the holy water. I also had told her some my triggers. She saw the correlations as the doctor did. I guess the more I divulge the more the correlation of the triggers and abuse will become apparent. He asked what I was going to do to get myself looking like my old self. I said I do not know. I did not know then.

He said I need to address the internal conflict that my family has put me into, the need to give to them when they demand and deny me and the need for me to separate so to save myself. He said their denial of me, the abuse and triggers is their way of denying their own inadequacies. I said I would need time to figure it out.

He made suggestions, like get a haircut and he laughed. He said I need to understand the triggers, the head sensations, the windows, the spit and others are not actually the abuse but the minds way of helping me to release all the memories. The acts and words are just similar enough to the abuse that the mind begins to release the memories of the abuse and in turn the emotions. He said the emotions put me into a state that created dissociation. I said to him, there are many specifics I remember but have not told. I told him our mutual friend knows the most of anyone. I keep thinking of the other acts and words are not important, but I am learning they are as important.

The doctor said if I decided to harm myself it would only allow my family to say, look at him his emotional and mental problems. I had brought a letter I had written which described in detail how I felt and what was done to me. He asked why, I said because I feared what he had just said. They would continue to live in denial and not have the life they deserve. He said they many never seek help because the unenlightened fear themselves in a way they do not understand. He said the childrens lack of long term friends, their need to demean others and their emotional immaturity will not change without help. He said surrounding themselves with like people give validation to them that they are better than others while they destroy others. He asked do I want to allow them to destroy me? I said the pain is sometimes so great that I just want to close my eyes and hope the eyes never reopen. He said I have lived through one of the most horrific experiences a child could live and I survived to now. He said do not let the unenlightened ones destroy me because they are unable accept and give love. He said you just need to look at their everyday talk, how they speak of people and what makes them laugh. He said put myself first, because they seek to destroy. Detach myself from them, their words and needs.

The hardest question was to describe pain. It is more like an ache that runs from head to toe, immobilizing movement, exhaustion and the mind seems to see all the bad in life. I feel powerless. I have to push myself to move, to laugh or talk. But when with certain people or circumstances it fades but does not leave. It is then more manageable.

I took his words seriously. Last night I was with friends. We talked and even laughed. I told them of my visit earlier in the day. They listened eagerly and said something to me, they have learned I have more courage than most people, to have survived what I have survived. It made me feel better but I have a hard time believing. They are part of my enlightened friends. They said I need to rid myself of the bad elements in my life.

Well this morning I did get a haircut. I stayed with the friends last night and they had one of their friends who cuts hair come over. I asked not to cut as short as I normally do because I did not want the machine getting too close to the skin or her hands as she used the scissors. It looks better and the friends said I look like a new man. The wife took a picture and was going to send it to my friend. I survived but found myself sending my mind off into another place as she worked on my hair.

I feel a little better today, not sure the reason, less hair on the head. I hear everyones words and my mind understands but something emotionally is having trouble accepting.