Something to look at

[Mike Church]

You guys all know me or most of you do. Ladies too. I seem to muddle around in the dark a lot and can sometimes be confusing in may posting. I have however discovered something quite by accident that I think that can help us all.

One of us has been having a very difficult time and the future is scary and grey. Seems sometimes there is no brightness. Now he has gone through a hell of a lot recently; enough that it would bring any one of us to our knees in despair. We talked about it a lot and I finally sugggested to him that he should write down all of the good times that he had as a child. A sort of history in writing-just the good stuff. It is this sort of thing that defines us as who we are. The stench and evil of SA has smothered it for us. But by god we survive. I really think that in all the shit that has happened to us over the years there are a whole bunch of things that were happy for us. As a child I was badly beaten by all my male relatives (older) and yet there is a whole bunch of my childhood that was fun for me. As well since my SA there have been good things happen to me and have given me pleasure. I think it is important that we write this little history to ourselves as a constant reminder to us that we can have those times again. That SA can be sidelined in our game of life.

Lloyd started a thread about the guy that toughed it through and there were many great responses. I am one of those guys who was abused in the late 50's. I did all sorts of stuff that was harmful but here I am today starting to actually live life. I am chronically my good stuff for my fellow traveller and will be sending it to him as he did his to me.

Out of the darkness it is possible to light a flame so bright that, as I said before, the SA can be banished to the sideline.

Now I hope I have not confused the hell out of all of you.

 

[andrew51]

A sort of history in writing-just the good stuff. It is this sort of thing that defines us as who we are. The stench and evil of SA has smothered it for us. But by god we survive. I really think that in all the shit that has happened to us over the years there are a whole bunch of things that were happy for us.

Exactly, we need to reassert the positives and happy memories rather than wallowing in self pity.
Peace, Andrew

 

[Dan88]

Interesting topic. I appreciate the thought behind this, and I've tried this before. I believe it's always helpful to develop a list of things to be grateful for. It offsets the feeling of loss. And I never underestimate the power of positive thinking. And I definitely apply this to the years after the abuse stopped, when things were pretty crazy but not without any redeeming moments.

But we all have different stories, and so obviously it's different for all of us. Unfortunately for me, it does not work for that period of my life while I was being abused most intensely. The simple fact for me is that between the ages of 6 and 13 in my life, there were no happy experiences. During those eight years, there is not one experience that I wouldn't gladly discard completely.

To try to paint things otherwise would be just an exercise in denial. I have to work very hard at accepting the reality because I instinctively tend to escape the memories by pushing them aside or whitewashing them. It's interesting that you say the SA can be banished to the sideline. For me, I have to be very careful that in trying to banish it I'm not ignoring it. I've tried that for years by simply choosing to look away from those memories or try to put a better face on them, and I've not had the best results.

 

[estuardo]

Thanks Mike for starting this post.

I have found that helpful, counting my blessings, seeing what good there was, either in my childhood, or at a much later time.

I maybe presumptuous with my next comment, but being new here, I am grateful that there are several guys here who are at various levels in their healing, that they can work with each other, mentoring, and teaching all of us how to get to the point where we can move forward, and beyond this.

For me, not having a SA group close to where I live, to 'unload' my stuff, having this board to dump my junk, is the only place where I can. Plus the benefit of anonymity, allows me to open up my deepest fears, concerns, problems, etc. I get more help here than what my T can do, b/c of the experience from those of you who have already walked that path.

I know this shows my sensativity, but being preceived as someone wallowing in self-pity, only inhibits me from venturing forth, and pursuing those growth mechanisms, that could benefit me. This is a trigger issue, b/c of how my siblings have treated me in regards to my SA.

I would hope that those of you who are further along in this healing process, will show those of us who are starting to deal with this, some compassion, and discernment, while we start to unravel our deepest pains.

Thanks for letting me express that.

estuardo

 

[reality2k4]

Mike, yes we need to rediscove the good things, the things that bring us to where we are today. Even throught the hurt, we find light.

There are still parts of my childhood deeply buried, but some of it is emerging since I came here, and let out some of the bad things holding it back.

I do need to write them down, as and when I can remember them. If I can remember enough of this period, then I will feel whole again.

Thanks for sharing,

ste

 

[RICK57]

I think that the greatest gift I was ever given was before I even started school. Both of my Grandfathers & 2 of my Uncles used to take me & various groups consisting of my brother, sister & cousins on country walks - sometimes I had them all to myself & other times we all went together. It was a fantastic time, and it's where I gained my appreciation of nature (and my stamina for the long distance run - some of the walks were around 7 miles..quite a distance when you're 4 or younger).

We walked through woods, moorland, meadows & pastures. I can still see the beauty in nature even on my darkest days.

I think that is the greatest gift of all, and it costs nothing.

The only downside of this is that I trusted all adults until my abuser appeared on the scene & screwed it all up.

Go for a walk tomorrow - look at how some plants will grow in the unlikeliest places. Look closely at what you see & admire the colours - nature has never let me down.

Best wishes ...Rik