Something that has helped me

flying

Registrant
Hello, I have found the following passage from Mike Lew's book, "Victims no Longer", very helpful. It is in chapter 4, in the section titled, "When the Abuser is a Woman".

"The only reasonable way to begin to release yourself from shame that results from connecting abuse and sexuality is to recognize that we are not dealing with an issue of sexual attraction or sexual orientation. The issue is abuse. Repeat it to yourself as often as you can...The issue is not sexuality; it is abuse. It always was. It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, bisexual, all of the above, or none of the above. You were sexually abused. You didn't bring it on yourself, no matter what kind of child you were or what you did. It got confused with sexuality because the abuse wasn't limited to physical violence or emotional exploitation. It also had a sexual component. But the real issue...isn't sexual orientation. We are really looking at trust, intimacy, and self-esteem. As these elements are explored and understood, and strengthened in healthy, encouraging, nonabusive relationships, the issues of sexuality will become clearer and more comfortable. You will be happier with who you are, and you will develop a new perspective on your sexuality. Sexuality is one facet of a total (and worthwhile) person. Shame will increasingly yield to self-acceptance and self-appreciation."

Thanks,
Ben
 
passage from Mike Lew's book, "Victims no Longer"

"The only reasonable way to begin to release yourself from shame that results from connecting abuse and sexuality is to recognize that we are not dealing with an issue of sexual attraction or sexual orientation. The issue is abuse. Repeat it to yourself as often as you can...The issue is not sexuality; it is abuse. It always was. It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, bisexual, all of the above, or none of the above. You were sexually abused. You didn't bring it on yourself, no matter what kind of child you were or what you did. It got confused with sexuality because the abuse wasn't limited to physical violence or emotional exploitation. It also had a sexual component. But the real issue...isn't sexual orientation. We are really looking at trust, intimacy, and self-esteem. As these elements are explored and understood, and strengthened in healthy, encouraging, nonabusive relationships, the issues of sexuality will become clearer and more comfortable. You will be happier with who you are, and you will develop a new perspective on your sexuality. Sexuality is one facet of a total (and worthwhile) person. Shame will increasingly yield to self-acceptance and self-appreciation."
yes, so very true
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Strange I had just began to reread the book this weekend. I remember Mike Lew's words the first time I read it, and how it brought clarity to what I was living and thinking. As I read it for a second time, in a different stage of healing, I am finding more meaning and depth. The quotes above are so important for survivors to reflect on, because we viewed the abuse and all its consequences from a victim's view--at least I did for decades. I would recommend it to anyone who has experienced abuse as well as those who are there to support survivors on their journey to heal.

Kevin
 

flying

Registrant
His words have definitely helped me, it's so important for me to separate the abuse based shame from my sexuality. I feel that things are finally starting to make sense, why I have had so much shame all these years. It's not about figuring out my sexuality, which is actually very clear. It's about getting past the shame that is sparked with many sexual feelings and experiences.
 
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