Something struck a cord with me yesterday

Something struck a cord with me yesterday
MrDon

MrDon

Registrant
Could be triggering, so be careful when you read it.


I was watching a video about survivors and healing and a story that was relayed on the video went something like this by the lady who did the video:

I was sitting at the dinner table with my mom, eating fried chicken for supper. My father was in the bedroom with my best friend having sex. I looked at my mom and said "what do you suppose they are doing in there and she replied, I don't know" Ok, hold on, what's wrong with this picture.
Click to expand...
Of course I was paraphrasing a little because I don't remember word for word what happened. But I was thinking about this. Most of what my Dad did to me was when others were gone in the house (I think but not totally certain of that).

However my older brother always coaxed me into his bedroom at night whether it was his enticement with something or the fear that I would get the shit knocked out of me the next day if I didn't. But I shared a bedroom with my younger brother and my parent's bedroom was right next to us. In fact if my younger brother and I were talking during the night, my mom could hear it and she would tell us to be quiet. To get to my older brother's room, I had to walk past my younger brother.

Ok, so I'm being forced to have sex with my older brother right next to every member of my family. Now maybe they were hard sleepers and fell asleep instantly, I don't know. But I've got my doubts. Plus it was an old house full of creaks and noises in the floor. But here I had to walk past my younger brother's bed across these noisy floors with no one hearing me. All the time I was worried that someone would hear me and I would be in trouble.

Careful - anger to follow!

Let's see, what in the FUCK is the matter with this picture. Did everyone know that everyone was being screwed by my dad and brother? How in the HELL could they have not known. My gawd, I've been walking around on egg shells all my life when the only thing missing in my house growing up was everyone getting together in one room at the same time. My freaking crap! And yet everyone acts like they didn't know anything was going on.... bull flippin hockey pucks!

And the entire time this was going on with my older brother (which was basically every night) I was always afraid I would get in trouble because I saw it as something I was doing that was wrong, not my brother, - just me. That's totally fucked up! Beyond sad too!

I wish I had money to blow, because I would make a nice little movie and plaster it on the TV for them and their friends (that act like nothing happened) could see!

But I just never thought about this until I heard this lady make a very similar statement.

And of course one reason I am so afraid when I go to bed and it is dark is because of the nightly episodes that lasted from the time I was 12 with my older brother until I went to college. It is hard telling or trying to convince my body that I'm not in the danger now because this has become a way of life to me. And I really hate this damn anxiety that I face every night I go to bed.

Just freakin unbelievable, freakin sad!
 
I am sorry this happened. I am angry no one ever did anything to protect you! You deserved better, God Damn it!!!
Thank you for sharing this!
Casey
 
Hi Don,

There is definitely something infuriating about the notion of somebody "knowing and doing nothing about it" and "not wanting to know and therefore doing nothing about it".

I have a memory of the first priest who molested me telling me that while he was doing what he did to me that there was another priest peeking through a window at us. The second priest of course denied that fact when eventually confronted with it but that's immaterial. Why did my parents so easily and complacently give me away to the priests? What was it about the power difference that made priests untouchable or beyond reproach? What is it about the power differential between spouses that often freezes one into useless inactivity?
Why didn't somebody know and why didn't they do something about it? Was I worth so little as a child that I didn't matter, because I struggle to this day with that feeling and belief?

Yes, the post triggers but that's not always a bad thing. Thank you for putting your story out there for all to benefit from. And it validates the concept that how I feel really does matter!

Taz
 
Don,

I think the failure to protect, the "not seeing" what's happening, is as bad as the actual abuse. It's part of what makes the whole damn thing so confusing. "They know, and they don't stop it. Does that mean that it's ok to hurt me?" :confused:

It's like trying to untie some freaking Gordian knot because we don't have anything to cut through it.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Everything is wrong with the picture and everyone one in it except you.
 
All that evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing. It is an old saying, but very very true. Overcome the sin laid upon you. Then go out and do good.
 
Don,

I hear you, oh do I hear you! I ask myself the question why didn't anyone figure out what was happening? My grandfather used every one of his children, male and female, including my father, sexually. He even got one of his own daughters pregnant. Didn't it friggin' occur to anyone that maybe, just maybe, he might indulge with his grandchildren?

Tom
 
:( Don, I'm so sorry. I can fully understand your anger, at the 'not seeing'. I have felt that much with my mother and the physical abuse that went on in our family. I am sorry there was such blindness and dumbness in your family also, and that you had to feel such pain and betrayal. Please know that anger is a right and good thing with this.

Leosha
 
You know the really shocking part about this is I think there are so many things that happened too me that I became so numb to. I mean, if you look at this situation it isn't hard to figure out what is wrong with the picture. But for me, it was like fact a, fact b, fact c, etc. all took place but I never put together in my mind, just how screwed up this situation was. I think there are more of these things where I could spit out facts all day long of what I have been through, but to really put it all in perspective, that would be a new thing for me.

Just amazing - and not just what I went through but how I 'rationalized' it in my mind.

Don
 
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