Something strange happened last night

Something strange happened last night
J

josephd

Registrant
Well, the fall was a hard one... but I'm still here. I'm taking the necessary steps to try and get everything under control. Got an assessment for drug counselling booked, moved over to my cousins for a bit (he's an awesome support), and I'm trying to take it day by day. Setting goals in the morning and completing them in the evening.

Anyways, something strange happened last night. I was lying in bed, getting ready to hit the hay, and out of the blue something hit me. I said to myself, "I wanted to be held by a man."

I said it again, and as I was saying it my mind went through the years that had passed me by, and I started remembering things. And things started to unfold.

I didn't know my real father, left when I was 1. Simple story. My mom re-married when I was 2 or 3 I believe. I knew my step dad as a real dad for those years growing up. He wasn't a bad dad, but it seems he wasn't great either.

I remember getting a beating so hard when I was 10 or 11 that I couldn't go to school for a week. That was the only time that my father (step) had ever hugged me and told me he loved me.

Couple years later, my parents got divorced.. they were doing there own thing, etc. That's when my perp preyed on my vulnerabilities.

But now, I can see why I kept going back there. I think I see now what I have longed for. I THINK I SEE SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

I wanted to be held by a man. By a protector. By someone who would keep me safe from everything. And that's what I'm still feeling now. I'm still the boy wanting to be held by his dad... or wanting a dad... I'm not sure about that. But I wanted that so bad, because I can still feel it in me.

This is a big step.
 
Jo'
I wanted to be held by a man. By a protector. By someone who would keep me safe from everything. And that's what I'm still feeling now. I'm still the boy wanting to be held by his dad... or wanting a dad... I'm not sure about that. But I wanted that so bad, because I can still feel it in me.
Click to expand...
I had a feeling you'd find your answer sooner rather than later.

I hope all your family and friends accept this as your reason for your fall.
We do the strangest things when we cry for help, because we don't always understand why we're making the cry.

Here's a long distance TransAtlantic hug,

((((((Jo')))))))))

Dave :)
 
Joseph,
Just had to add my 35 cents worth.

Might I suggest that the man in your fantasy/dream is............YOU.

Setting goals in the morning and completing them before the day is out...sounds like a responsible DAD to me.

Ya, I think that you're becoming the responsible MAN you've always wanted............needed.

Congratulations, Joseph, looks like you're growing up--some of us never do, you know.

Your joy will be passing some of that along to others in your life, if you haven't already.

Blessings,
David
 
Well, the fall was a hard one... but I'm still here. I'm taking the necessary steps to try and get everything under control. Got an assessment for drug counselling booked, moved over to my cousins for a bit (he's an awesome support), and I'm trying to take it day by day. Setting goals in the morning and completing them in the evening.
Click to expand...
JD, I'm so sorry about your hard fall my friend. You are picking yourself back up & walking again very well. Man, I set goals in the morning & spend the day trying to remember what they were! :p ;)

I didn't know my real father, left when I was 1. Simple story. My mom re-married when I was 2 or 3 I believe. I knew my step dad as a real dad for those years growing up. He wasn't a bad dad, but it seems he wasn't great either.

I remember getting a beating so hard when I was 10 or 11 that I couldn't go to school for a week. That was the only time that my father (step) had ever hugged me and told me he loved me.
Click to expand...
My real father, barely around anyway except to shake & SA me, left when I was 3. My mother didn't
remarry until I was 7-8 and only for a year. Again
a man who was rarely there & abusive when he was.
Not sexually, but he used to beat me with a belt so bad I wanted to cry but I couldn't becuz then he'd beat me more. He always belted me where it wouldn't show. He took me fishing & stuff once or twice but he never hugged me or said he loved me.

I wanted to be held by a man. By a protector. By someone who would keep me safe from everything. And that's what I'm still feeling now. I'm still the boy wanting to be held by his dad... or wanting a dad... I'm not sure about that. But I wanted that so bad, because I can still feel it in me.

This is a big step.
Click to expand...
Yes JD I understand this; have for a while but have been scared to death of it. You see on top of the abuse by my stepfather, 1/2 of my sexual abusers were men, tho most of the abuse was by women, in particular my mother.

My last & most violent abuse, when I was 11, was a rape by a gay couple, right of course into puberty thus causing me even further struggles with my sexual identity & orientation, and my maleness, than I already had.

For a brief time after that I struggled with the idea I might be gay or at least bi. But as time has borne out that wasn't the case.

Irregardless, this incident just contributed to not only my hateful fear of men in general, but also contributed to a fear of being perceived as being gay if I hugged or got close to a guy.

A legitimate fear for a scared confused young man in a somewhat homophobic society, especially as I spent the following years thru high school in a Baptist children's home.

But as I said nothing to be afraid of anyway.

Still at the time I was. Men were the enemy, my competition in proving my manhood by making every girl I could get my hands on.

Now my mother, and females in general, were there,
abusive as they usually were; that's about all that was there in my family. So I could relate to them better tho clearly not always in good ways.

Yet I came to realize that I wanted & needed some real male friendship, brotherhood, bonding & intimacy. And yes a hug.

JD I finally found a male friend I can really hug
a fellow survivor. Of course usually our hugs are like Dave's transAtlantic ones since he lives a long way away.

Still it's great. But it took me a long time to come to that place & find the right man to bond with in this way.

Also we have boundaries. We know we can't father one another or anything like that. But we do kinda
help each others' adults to father our inner children who never had fathers. And we can be like brothers. And we are.

JD you have taken great courage in facing & disclosing this need & desire of yours. Take your time & take care of yourself & it can come to you.

You have indeed made a huge step. WTG Joe!

Victor
 
Hi Joseph,
I just wanted to let you know I can relate to that feeling. I can't recall my father ever hugging or holding me, although I can recall some of the times I was hit. I sometimes wondered if the times I let strange men touch me while growing up was related to my need to just be touched by some kind of father figure.

It sounds like you're moving forward in taking care of yourself, which is a great thing. You're making it!

Jeff
 
I can relate, also, although it's a bit different. I grew up with an often distant but good and well-meaning father; however, he died when I was 18, when I still really needed him... I still need him today. I always feel that I want him to hug me again, like he used to. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I am gay or why I seek out men instead of women, because I want that feeling of being loved and protected by a man. :confused:
 
Joseph:
I to can relate to your feelings of wanting to be held and hugged by a man. My parents were divorced when I was born and at age three my mother remarried. The only time that my stepfather ever hugged me and told me that he loved me was the first night he crawled into bed with me and performed oral on me. This was not what I had in mind when I wished I had a father that loved me.
The closes thing that I ever had to a caring, loving male was my older brother whom I idealised. However, my mother allowed him to move in with my sister and brother-in-law when I was 10 because she thought I was to close to him.
Since then, I have never allowed myself to be close to any man because I am afraid that I will be hurt either by abuse or separation. Yet I long to be held by a man, to be secure in a set of strong arms. To be able to do things with him that I could never do with my father or step father because they were to drunk to care about a a healthy father - son relationship.
Even though I have a loving wife and two beautiful daughters, I feel lonely and incomplete.
Some day, I am going to find a surrogate father and he is going to hold me and give me the love and attention that I never had as a child. And the child within is going to be comforted and complete.
I hope the child within you will some day find that special man that will hold you, comfort you, and make you complete. Until then know that your brothers here will be there for you, and listen to your fears, fustrations, and anxieties and support you through your tribulations.
(((((((hugs))))))))
 
WOW!!!I could have writen this post and just about every word of the reply's. I would love to find a man that would just hold me times. Just let the little boy inside of me cry when I need and show him it's safe to come out of hiding and into the light, it's safe to tell what happened to that little boy so many years ago that made him hide in the dark. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))).
James
 
I know exactly what you are talking about!

In fact is been running through my mind so much lately.
I've been thinking about my goals and life choices (past and especially future) and asking myself 'what do I really want' or 'what am i looking for or trying to get out of this.' A couple of days ago it clicked(it my sound obvious), I am searching for my father or a male role model so that I can become a man.

Last year (I think) I was doing better emotionaly. I was trying to go back and remeber what was differrent and I couldn't put my finger on it.
I now know what it was-My Godfather. I had come to live with him and we ended up conecting in such a strong way. He was like a best friend in which i could rely on and trust but he was also like a powerful mentor for me. I've never gotten that close to a man/father figure before and it made me feel accepted and worthy and lovable and someone of some importance-I really counted in his eyes and for about a year i was really happy (for the first time in my life).
I felt stronger and felt like i mattered as a person. it felt so good to trust some body like that.
And now i don't have that suport in my life. I saw my Godfather over the last weekend for the first time in over 2and a half Mon. And thought, 'this is exactaly what i need, some male bonding with an old friend and maybe reconect with.' But, he was very cold and gave me the impression that he could no longer be there for me and basicaly didnt want to.

Sorry i know that i'm rambling and going off topic.

So this is what i am searching for and am thinking about joining the Millitary-small price to pay to feel respected and ,accepted and worthy and part of some thing.

I just want to respect myself!

Logan
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top