Something new to hold onto
At the urging of a couple of friends here, I decided to post a letter I just mailed off yesterday. I feel the need to explain it's significance, and I hope it might spark a similar experience for someone else who might find themselves where I was last week. My whole life has been one of feeling deeply conflicted over many issues including the emotional and sexual abuse I suffered as a boy. As I recently began working on recovery, I began to sense a distance growing between my adult self, and my inner-boy. Something potentially upsetting to my inner-boy happened last Sunday at which point I became aware of his feelings once again trying to push through to the surface. He was angry and upset as he strongly wanted to hold onto the belief that my brother, the abuser, did indeed love him, and accept him. The primary reason for not wanting to let that go was a sense of desperation that it was all he had to hold onto and that I was wanting to take that away from him, as it meant something to him at the time.
After sharing those feelings with a friend here, he challenged me to try to think of anything else to hold onto that was healthy and meaningful. A memory to cling to that might help me loosen the death grip with which my inner-boy held, and continued to want to re-live the abuse that made me feel special to my 'hero' who usually treated me with contempt and resentment. After reflecting for some time I was able to recall a teacher whom I had dearly adored. The more I thought about her and what a difference she had made in my life in a time not long after the abuse, I had an overwhelming desire to try to find her and attempt to contact her. I was able to find her address despite two subsequent marriages resulting in a change to her last name. Just the process of writing the letter was really therapeutic, and has inspired me to think of others who contributed nothing but good things into me. It's those memories I now choose to cherish, and the memories of the abuse are now taking on a different perspective that can co-exist with my desire to move forward in my healing process. So below is the letter for anyone who might find such an exercise to be helpful....comments are welcome.
And I offer an additional disclaimer: I also realize that for many, the abuse was so horrific that it made having such a connection as I had with this teacher impossible, and it's not my desire to dishonor or upset any of you either. This is just part of my story and I'm sorry for those who didn't have someone similar to nurture your spirit in the way she nurtured mine. For that I am truly sorry as all children deserve that, both inside the home, and out.
*********************
Dear Mrs. *********,
I am a former student who with great fondness remembers my fourth grade year at ********* Elementary. My heart is so full of gratefulness for how you made an attention starved little boy who was practically invisible at home feel like a superstar in your classroom. The attention, care, and even love you displayed not just for me, but for all your students made you a stand-out among all the wonderful teachers I had growing up in that school district. Reflecting back, now I wish I had shown more appreciation for all you did and I wish that I had not waited this long to find you and share just how much having you for a teacher truly meant to me.
I apologize if it seems impersonal not to handwrite something this heart-felt, but if you could recall who I was (and I realistically wouldnt expect you to), you would know exactly why that isnt possible. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts neatness of work was the one area that I didnt get glowing commendation for. I still cant hold a pen without it pointing 45 degrees away from me in the opposite direction, and I was often so inspired my hand couldnt keep up with the ideas that needed to leap from my imagination to the paper in front of me. How you deciphered anything I wrote is beyond me.
Sadly, recent circumstances have forced me to seek help for some childhood trauma that I had kept buried for over 40 years. As I began the work to heal from those wounds I found that I needed to reconnect with my inner-child in a significant way. As Ive uncovered buried painful truths, Ive also been overjoyed to recapture memories of people and events that were significant to me as a boy as well. Many of those memories include you and so now its with tears I say thank-you for being that one who made such a huge impact on a young boy who needed somebody to believe in him enough to give him wings to soar. To smile or laugh at one of my many hair brained antics, or take a risk and givi me permission to do something my way not knowing what the end result was going to be, but whatever it was, it was certain to be interesting to say the least. You reached in and pulled the best out of me, and like that boy forty-two years ago, Im daring to dream I can open up and find that quirky little kid again because he has a lot to say.
I pray that you and your family are in good health and enjoying the benefits of a long, fruitful, fulfilling career. I guess its not really that important who I am because Im sure Im just one of many who had the same experience in your classroom and felt every bit as special as you made me feel, and after so many years Im sure the names and faces all blend together. I certainly dont expect that you would remember me with any particular fondness after this long, but I want you to know that you are indeed remembered and surrounded with good thoughts, and a sincere love and appreciation for all you meant to me.
Sincerely,
k
After sharing those feelings with a friend here, he challenged me to try to think of anything else to hold onto that was healthy and meaningful. A memory to cling to that might help me loosen the death grip with which my inner-boy held, and continued to want to re-live the abuse that made me feel special to my 'hero' who usually treated me with contempt and resentment. After reflecting for some time I was able to recall a teacher whom I had dearly adored. The more I thought about her and what a difference she had made in my life in a time not long after the abuse, I had an overwhelming desire to try to find her and attempt to contact her. I was able to find her address despite two subsequent marriages resulting in a change to her last name. Just the process of writing the letter was really therapeutic, and has inspired me to think of others who contributed nothing but good things into me. It's those memories I now choose to cherish, and the memories of the abuse are now taking on a different perspective that can co-exist with my desire to move forward in my healing process. So below is the letter for anyone who might find such an exercise to be helpful....comments are welcome.
And I offer an additional disclaimer: I also realize that for many, the abuse was so horrific that it made having such a connection as I had with this teacher impossible, and it's not my desire to dishonor or upset any of you either. This is just part of my story and I'm sorry for those who didn't have someone similar to nurture your spirit in the way she nurtured mine. For that I am truly sorry as all children deserve that, both inside the home, and out.
*********************
Dear Mrs. *********,
I am a former student who with great fondness remembers my fourth grade year at ********* Elementary. My heart is so full of gratefulness for how you made an attention starved little boy who was practically invisible at home feel like a superstar in your classroom. The attention, care, and even love you displayed not just for me, but for all your students made you a stand-out among all the wonderful teachers I had growing up in that school district. Reflecting back, now I wish I had shown more appreciation for all you did and I wish that I had not waited this long to find you and share just how much having you for a teacher truly meant to me.
I apologize if it seems impersonal not to handwrite something this heart-felt, but if you could recall who I was (and I realistically wouldnt expect you to), you would know exactly why that isnt possible. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts neatness of work was the one area that I didnt get glowing commendation for. I still cant hold a pen without it pointing 45 degrees away from me in the opposite direction, and I was often so inspired my hand couldnt keep up with the ideas that needed to leap from my imagination to the paper in front of me. How you deciphered anything I wrote is beyond me.
Sadly, recent circumstances have forced me to seek help for some childhood trauma that I had kept buried for over 40 years. As I began the work to heal from those wounds I found that I needed to reconnect with my inner-child in a significant way. As Ive uncovered buried painful truths, Ive also been overjoyed to recapture memories of people and events that were significant to me as a boy as well. Many of those memories include you and so now its with tears I say thank-you for being that one who made such a huge impact on a young boy who needed somebody to believe in him enough to give him wings to soar. To smile or laugh at one of my many hair brained antics, or take a risk and givi me permission to do something my way not knowing what the end result was going to be, but whatever it was, it was certain to be interesting to say the least. You reached in and pulled the best out of me, and like that boy forty-two years ago, Im daring to dream I can open up and find that quirky little kid again because he has a lot to say.
I pray that you and your family are in good health and enjoying the benefits of a long, fruitful, fulfilling career. I guess its not really that important who I am because Im sure Im just one of many who had the same experience in your classroom and felt every bit as special as you made me feel, and after so many years Im sure the names and faces all blend together. I certainly dont expect that you would remember me with any particular fondness after this long, but I want you to know that you are indeed remembered and surrounded with good thoughts, and a sincere love and appreciation for all you meant to me.
Sincerely,
k
