something new (possible trigger b/c of curse words?)
something new (possible trigger b/c of curse words?)
- Thread starterkuurt
- Start date
kurrt, your story hits me hard ,for me i never forgot my abuse ,just never really thought about ,you know ,didn't bother me ,didn't dream about it .then out of the blue nightmares started ,i could be just sitting or doing something then all of a sudden it was happening ,he was hurting me it was real .then i would snap out of it and be back in the present really screwed with my head ,that is what made me look for a place like this ,i gotta say once that damn door opens it's impossible to close it ,man i wish i could .seems like each shitty memory sets of another one ,on and on . i do understand about totaly forgetting blocking out totaly ,my brother died when i was 8 years old ,how crazy is it that i didn't remember that he ever existed till like a month ago ? i'm 21 now ,it is so strange to find out that you just totaly forgot part of your life,how could i forget my brother ?i mean totaly no memory of him at all ,then to have it all come crawling out of some corner of my mind ,some part of me says ,you knew it all along ,you just couldn't face it you weren't strong enough ,i feel guilty for forgetting .sorry i'm rambling but i know how you feel adam
ScottyTodd
Registrant
Kuurt - I can identify with feelings of how can anyone forget important "chunks" of their life but it is possible. I see this many times in the young guys I see and I experienced it in my own recovery. I was victimized from 5 years old through 13 years old (multiple perps) and this severely disrupted my life style relationships through 22 years of age. Some things I remembered vividly during that period of time other events didn't come up until about 20 years later. How does that happen??? Well, Andrew supplied some of it in that our mind and body can only cope with so much and puts the rest "in storage". As we get to the level whereby we can cope with more, we remember more. Other parts we forget because we don't fully put them together yet. Like we know 2 + 2 = 4 but as time goes on we realize that 3 + 1 = 4; 5 - 1 = 4.....we may remember the 3 or remember the 5 but not until we put the other numbers in sequence do we conclude they = 4. We may think 3 happened (almost as in a dream) but it isn't until the 1 is remembered in the equation the answer becomes clear. I hope this isn't confusing but the whole equation of our past history eventually becomes clear in time. There are those guys who refuse to accept one as a part of any equation; these guys go through life with something missing from their life but don't realize what. When they accept the 1, the mystery of life's equation becomes clear...thus the memories make sense and rush forward! Hope this helped?! Realize these memories don't surface to 'sink your ship' nor 'to scare the heck out of you' but to get to the bottom of the mystery and help make sense of life and hopefully, healing and peace!
Howard
Howard
reality2k4
Registrant
Kuurt,
it probably was a flashback or trigger somehow, but I guess you recognised the significance of the blanket.
Find a way of grounding yourself when you get these thoughts, from making a cup of coffee, to anything that can diffuse these thoughts.
Howard put it pretty precise, but the fact is that your mind is very complex, it switches off a load of memories to protect you through abuse, it stores them in your body to await a signal to come out.
Sometimes memories seem to be distorted or confused and you may not feel they are true, but always trust what comes out of memories, do not dismiss them, no way.
The big problem is, that you dont even associate with a lot of the triggers until they happen, and that can be at any time, just try to find ways of grounding through healthy things like hobbies, or whatever,
ste
it probably was a flashback or trigger somehow, but I guess you recognised the significance of the blanket.
Find a way of grounding yourself when you get these thoughts, from making a cup of coffee, to anything that can diffuse these thoughts.
Howard put it pretty precise, but the fact is that your mind is very complex, it switches off a load of memories to protect you through abuse, it stores them in your body to await a signal to come out.
Sometimes memories seem to be distorted or confused and you may not feel they are true, but always trust what comes out of memories, do not dismiss them, no way.
The big problem is, that you dont even associate with a lot of the triggers until they happen, and that can be at any time, just try to find ways of grounding through healthy things like hobbies, or whatever,
ste
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
Given that you speak of the event as being very visual it was probably a flashback; the blanket brought back something to your memory that you have been unwilling to think about.
These things are VERY scary, yes, but one thing to remember is the point that Andrew made: these memories tend to resurface because we are ready to deal with them. So it is a step forward, even though the event itself is very frightening.
There are some things you can do to help you through the flashback. First, tell yourself that this is not something happening all over again; you are safe and this is just a vivid memory. The truth may be scary, but it cannot hurt you now.
Also try to ground yourself in the "real world". Place your feet flat on the floor and concentrate on that. What do you feel? - it's real. Same with your hands. Hold onto something and think about it - that's real as well. Try not to let yourself hyperventilate, and take slow deep breaths.
One thing you will also start to do, bro, is identify things and situations that trigger you. As you learn what these are you can try to avoid them.
Most of all, don't fear that you are falling apart or going crazy. These things are all very well known and a lot of us go through them in the course of recovery. Sexual abuse is an extreme shock to any boy, and there are lots of ways that the mind finds to cope with the emotional and physical trauma. Don't be afraid to talk about them. That's what the DB is for.
Hope this helps.
Much love,
Larry
PS: I forgot to mention - "scary as fuck" is ABSOLUTELY the right phrase! Don't be afraid to say exactly how you feel Kurt; just find your words and use them.
Given that you speak of the event as being very visual it was probably a flashback; the blanket brought back something to your memory that you have been unwilling to think about.
These things are VERY scary, yes, but one thing to remember is the point that Andrew made: these memories tend to resurface because we are ready to deal with them. So it is a step forward, even though the event itself is very frightening.
There are some things you can do to help you through the flashback. First, tell yourself that this is not something happening all over again; you are safe and this is just a vivid memory. The truth may be scary, but it cannot hurt you now.
Also try to ground yourself in the "real world". Place your feet flat on the floor and concentrate on that. What do you feel? - it's real. Same with your hands. Hold onto something and think about it - that's real as well. Try not to let yourself hyperventilate, and take slow deep breaths.
One thing you will also start to do, bro, is identify things and situations that trigger you. As you learn what these are you can try to avoid them.
Most of all, don't fear that you are falling apart or going crazy. These things are all very well known and a lot of us go through them in the course of recovery. Sexual abuse is an extreme shock to any boy, and there are lots of ways that the mind finds to cope with the emotional and physical trauma. Don't be afraid to talk about them. That's what the DB is for.
Hope this helps.
Much love,
Larry
PS: I forgot to mention - "scary as fuck" is ABSOLUTELY the right phrase! Don't be afraid to say exactly how you feel Kurt; just find your words and use them.