Something is there
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Something is there
- Thread starterMichael1965
- Start date
I write this in the sense of the feelings or thoughts, not an actual being or apparition. I reread my post and thought it may be misunderstood.
Um...totally!
My first abuser is always with me, in both good times and bad. His presence is all around, in everything that I do. Every time I'm touched, kissed, loved, held, he's there. And...I'm now to the point that I'm ok with that. Would probably feel weird now without that feeling. Alone.
Got it. Not "actually" there, but...yes, understand where you are coming from
My first abuser is always with me, in both good times and bad. His presence is all around, in everything that I do. Every time I'm touched, kissed, loved, held, he's there. And...I'm now to the point that I'm ok with that. Would probably feel weird now without that feeling. Alone.
Got it. Not "actually" there, but...yes, understand where you are coming from
Michael
My abuser was with me and his presence not always felt. When I was young he was with me always--praying to die in my sleep. Then a new beginning in high school--but now realize alcohol was part of those years--blurring his presence and memories. Then college--well first two years he was everywhere because his presence was triggered by an priest falling into my groin-still not sure if on purpose or accidentally, then a transfer a new beginning and life seemed to be good, he was not there. This lasted for many years--but in hindsight he was there, because I have always had lost periods of time--the emotional stress caused a break in self. He was under control. Then syncope arrived and he never left--he was in my mind and by my side. I could see him in others as they raised their voice or spoke words he spoke, or being intimidated with acts that were reminded me of what he did and so on.
Then I met someone who helped and when I felt safe he would not be with me every moment of the day. She had a way to make me whole. Then she had to leave and the forces of others and their will destroyed me and brought him back. This time it nearly killed me. Now his presence is waning--I am feeling safe with myself and connecting the parts of me.
I guess what I am trying to say we can rid ourselves of his control but he is part of who we are. We just need to remember he is not anyone who control us. It is hard and I hear voice messages from someone who played a role in my triggers and the tone makes me clench, I feel him. It should not be, but it is a trigger as is the sounds of a police siren or a policeman coming toward me. It is scary, now I stop listening to the message and in the past I would become dazed and listen through it and feel myself falling under his spell.
I believe when we feel safe and loved the triggers are less potent--as is his presence.
Kevin
My abuser was with me and his presence not always felt. When I was young he was with me always--praying to die in my sleep. Then a new beginning in high school--but now realize alcohol was part of those years--blurring his presence and memories. Then college--well first two years he was everywhere because his presence was triggered by an priest falling into my groin-still not sure if on purpose or accidentally, then a transfer a new beginning and life seemed to be good, he was not there. This lasted for many years--but in hindsight he was there, because I have always had lost periods of time--the emotional stress caused a break in self. He was under control. Then syncope arrived and he never left--he was in my mind and by my side. I could see him in others as they raised their voice or spoke words he spoke, or being intimidated with acts that were reminded me of what he did and so on.
Then I met someone who helped and when I felt safe he would not be with me every moment of the day. She had a way to make me whole. Then she had to leave and the forces of others and their will destroyed me and brought him back. This time it nearly killed me. Now his presence is waning--I am feeling safe with myself and connecting the parts of me.
I guess what I am trying to say we can rid ourselves of his control but he is part of who we are. We just need to remember he is not anyone who control us. It is hard and I hear voice messages from someone who played a role in my triggers and the tone makes me clench, I feel him. It should not be, but it is a trigger as is the sounds of a police siren or a policeman coming toward me. It is scary, now I stop listening to the message and in the past I would become dazed and listen through it and feel myself falling under his spell.
I believe when we feel safe and loved the triggers are less potent--as is his presence.
Kevin
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