Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again

Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again
B

BlueBoys_Mama

Registrant
Something happend last night and now I'm on a crusade. I need everyones help on this. I was getting my future husband (who I'll refure to as Andy) to read some post and stuff around the site Theres a story called "my story to the judiciary hearing committe" by UNION1012 in one of the forums. After Blue went to sleep Andy who by all discriptions had a wonderful home life as a child and a very close family. slowly told me That he had once had a cousin who was a teenager had done some things when Andy was 9 or 10(made Andy play strip poker,masturbated in front of Andy,possably gotten Andy to touch him) He seems to have repressed allot of this he's not sure one what exactly happend ,if theres more, everything is unclear. He tried to act like it wasent a big deal and that it dident bother him. after we talked for a while about it I disscoverd I'm the first person he's ever told about this( he dident want to cause problems in the family, Dident want to get in trouble or get his cousin in troble) normal kid things to think. Andy got to thinking what if he wasent the only one that his cousin had done these things to Andy has many cousins on that side of the family and Andy was one of the oldest " what if other cousin had been hurt the same or worse?" What if his cousin was still doing things like this now as an Adult to other kids.That really upset him. I told him its never to late to tell. He's not so sure what to do he's got allot of questions like ..What if no one beleaves me now?, What if he was the only one that his cousin did this to?, what if his small memories arent enough?,what if its not really a big deal since his cousin never really " hurt " him from what he remebers?, But what he said that worried me the most is that he doesnt want to get his cousin in troble still to this day....I've told him that it is a big deal its sexual abuse, that i beleave him, that his cousin should be punished and get help for what he did to him.

This cousin lives in our town, I'm here to help Andy in any way I can but i need you guys help. He's doesnt see this as being as bad as what others have been thru . To me any sexual abuse is a problem that needs to be dealt with. I'm worried he's repressing more. I know for sure he's repressing how he feels about it

so here it is to tell or not to tell?
who to tell? how it go about it?

when and if Andy ready

*hugz* to all

Mama
 
Mama,

I'll just make a few basic comments here. The first is that there is no such thing as a "scale" of abuse. A kid reacts to what happened to him, not to what happened to him as compared to others. His own pain and hurt are unique and important.

Another is that abuse isn't about sex, it's about one person's misuse of their power over another for the sake of their own gratification. This can lead to all sorts of problems in both the short and long term, and pretending that "it doesn't matter" is usually not a helpful way to view things.

It is also a VERY common fear among survivors that they will not be believed. We carry that over from childhood and still think we shouldn't get anyone into trouble.

What Andy does about his cousin isn't something I can comment on, but I would think that seeing a professional therapist would help him to face some of these issues. We often balk at this because we don't want to face the fact that we need help, but recovery from abuse just isn't a do-it-yourself project.

Much love,
Larry
 
All of what Larry's saying is correct, but if I can chime in with something slightly different--

Many men struggle with identifying what happened to them as sexual abuse. Sometimes it can be hard to acknowledge that you were a victim when the label is at odds with your ideas of yourself. It doesn't mean that people who've been abused all need to label themselves or be labelled as victims-- but that label is frightening enough to many that they try to cover up or minimize the abuse.

Andy may need time, and space, to come to terms with this. I agree with you that all sexual abuse is a problem-- but the sexual abuse that happened to Andy, should be handled in the way that Andy feels is best for him at the moment.

It is good that he was able to talk to you about this, but it is the first step in a process that may take a long time. My boyfriend didn't seek therapy for many months after he disclosed to me, and he didn't disclose to anyone else until long after that.

SAR
 
Hi BBM, on that web page I gave you there is a link to a page on male rape, that Andy needs to read. Even if he thinks it wasn't as bad a rape, it was SA and he will have most if not all of the symptoms of a rape victim. I know you are on a crusade, but you need to take it slow.
Step 1. Get Andy to continue to read posts on the site, but not from the survivor stories forum until he is ready.
Step 2. When he has come to realize that some of the guys here are just like him, Encourage him to sign up so he can talk to us.
Step 3. Encourage him to see a sexual abuse therapist.
Most of the guys on here are doing steps two and three at the same time. Right now, I am at step 2, not ready to go to step 3., each person can only go at his own speed.

Take care,
Lostcowboy
 
Mama,
It does take time. YEARS. As a woman, rape isn't as stigmatized as it is for men- it was actually easy for me to get counselling and help. I supressed for 4 years... The school counsellors caught the behavior change when I started having nightmares (4.0 to drop-out in two weeks...). Nothing came of it- no tangible evidence, but the detective here was very good and careful about working with me and the counsellor.

It's not something to be done alone. Counselling is a must. And take it slow.
"Progress, not perfection"
 
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