Somedays I just want to feel normal

Somedays I just want to feel normal
MrDon

MrDon

Registrant
Last night I went to the world series baseball game with Jeff which I really wanted to do. It was the first world series baseall game I have ever been to and plus my favorite artist of all time, Yanni was performing as well.

However I still struggle in large crowds of people especially when there is so much movement, yelling and everyone is very close together. I'm definately a person that likes my space. So being at the game surrounded by people everywhere, who are yelling & screaming which is all normal and expected, the anxiety got pretty high. I felt like it was 90 degrees out the whole time which it wasn't anywhere close.

Than the seats we had were like 3 rows from the top of the stadium. This isn't a good place for me because heights really scare me. Sometimes I can take the heights but not in conjunction with being in a crowd of people.

So I struggled through the game and made it about 8 innings before I just had to get the heck out of there.

But it really angers me that I face these things and that I can't just go and experience a game like everyone else or just have fun... instead i still have to deal with freakin anxiety that has become a way of life with me. I hate that so much. I wonder some days if I will ever get beyond this or I will just keep struggling with it.

I'm glad Yanni did perform because it helped me for a brief moment as his music is such a deep connection with me. And I did have Jeff there which his presence really helped me as well.

Maybe one of these days when I get some more money, I will have to see if EMDR works or something like that. I just don't want to live with this for the rest of my life.

I just felt I had to say something because this is a big struggle for me.

Thanks for listening

Don
 
Don

although i've never really had a problem with big crowds or anything (i prefer to be with crowds, to blend in, disappear) i can relate to what you were saying. i have a very close friend who suffers from anxiety while in large crowds. we have talked about it many times and he describes it alot like you did. i know how hard it can be to not feel "normal" but it was nice that you had Jeff there with you. i'm glad that you got to hear Yanni perform. i saw it on tv :)

wishing you the best.
Kip

----- i'm so jealous you actually got to go to the game :) ...just wish you could have enjoyed it more. stay strong, there is light at the end of the darkness
 
Don,

It's been such a long time, I don't know what 'normal' is anymore. I guess it's a place where I feel comfortable and loved and secure. I hope to find a new 'normal' one of these days, 'til then I'll have to settle for life as it is today. I think that I've always felt out of place, that I didn't belong. I was always sort of a loner, hanging around the fringes of different groups never really in them. I got accustomed to that and I am still that way. It sometimes makes it difficult for me to deal with my problems because in most cases I don't like to expose my problems to others. I need to move out of that phase of my life and move on. I find that sharing here on this site is good for me maybe because of the anonymity but probably because we all have a common bond. I guess I'm finally in a group of people that I can relate to, electronically anyway.

Take good care of yourselves,

Steve
 
I know some people who profess to be 'normal' - it makes me glad to be the way I am !

Dave
 
I really do not know what normal is to be honest.

I know I am crazy and am comfortable with that. I think I have an advantage over others who think they are normal and are just deluding themeselves. I can accept the fact that I am a nut case.
 
I don't want to be normal.

It is normal for me to be afraid to go to bed.
It is normal for me to be taken advantage of.
It is normal for me to have failed relationships.
It is normal for me to tremble in fear when I get my face wet.
It is normal for me to do and feel so many things I am not proud of.

I want to be HAPPY.
I want to be WELL ADJUSTED.
I want to be HEALTHY.
I want to be LOVED.
I want to LOVE.

I want those things, not to be normal.

Bill
 
I don't know if this is beating a dead horse or not, but I simply wanted to say that maybe normal is not something we're to strive for. A member of my Al-Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics group said that when he first came, he was told that normal was a cycle on the washing machine.

I'd say about half the time I wish I could feel and be like everyone else - normal. The other half of the time, i'm convinced the rest of the world is crazy. Sheesh! Maybe what I have to do is figure out what heals me, what makes me happy, what makes me healthy, and strive for that. Forget this normal B.S. :D Hope this helps.

Tom
 
Don - (guys) - Sometimes I think "normal" is what someone else is that I want to be! That may not be "normal" just different than I am! I hope that makes sense? It does to me!

Howard
 
I used to not be able to leave my apartment without having major panic attacks and sweating profusely. It was with the help of a friend who started to walk with me to the music store and after many years that I was able to come out of my apartment and start going to public places like malls and grocery stores.

Time was my biggest ally; also, taking small steps helped.

Peace,
Scotty
 
I can relate at what you say, of the panic and anxiety. I am same. I can actually compete in front of lot of people, but to be in crowd in personal nature, scares me so much. I think it was courage that you went and were able to stay so long. You challenged yourself, and you won. That is great thing.

leosha
 
Congratulations on enjoying a concert and getting through 8 innings!

Normal means different things to different people I think. I too have trouble with anxiety, with being in crowds, especially in enclosed places, and feel like a loner. Sometimes, when I find myself wishing that I was normal, I ask myself what exactly I mean by that and usually I come up with someting that I think another person is (or people are) expecting me to be.

I think it is normal for people who have experienced SA to experience challenges with social skills, trouble in crowds, feeling like a loner.

I don't know about EMDR, haven't tried it. I have had good success with medication for anxiety (though that has had to be tweaked a number of times) and with experienced and sympathetic therapists. I know, however, I have been very lucky in that regard.

B.
 
Don,

You got through 8 innings and a Yanni concert without losing your mind under pretty hard situations. That was normal! Hell, I usually leave Fenway about the 8th to avoid traffic!

But I know what you mean. Wouldn't it be nice to have just normal worries without this crapola added to it? As hard as it's been for me, though (and do NOT think for a second I wanted what was done to me in childhood!), I wouldn't trade nothing for the journey I have now (paraphrasing Maya Angelou there!).

Yep, I could live without nightmares, night sweats, fear, terror, panic, etc., but I am pretty sure I'd be a different person without it. And, warts and all, I kinda like who I am and what I turned out to be. :rolleyes:

I am sorry for what you went through, Don, but I like the guy you turned out to be. :D

Peace, love, and healing. (Yanni? :rolleyes: )

Scot
 
Hi Everyone,

My daughter had a poster in her school locker a few years ago that read:

"The only normal people out there
Are the ones that you don't know very well yet."


Stride
 
Thanks everyone... all of this threw me for a loop and things have settled down a little now. Of course the added stress of a job that breeds uncertainty everyday does not help.

Kip,
I used to just blend in as well and for me that has all changed. Funny thing is I really like to be around people and yet during these times the anxiety gets so high. Yanni is my favorite all time composer. He is my inspiration for my own music as well and was a big reason I finally began sharing it with the world.

Steve,
I would definately agree that sharing on here is a very valuable healing method. It has helped me through so much of my healing just to be able to talk about it, be understood, be accepted and find out I'm not alone.

Lloydy,
Hmmm,,, ya gave me a good chuckle out of that one! Guess if I was anyone else than myself, I wouldn't be me..

Mikey,
I used to joke with people that I was crazy and I had papers to prove it! But maybe we do have the advantage over the rest of the world who hides themselves in every day life.

Bill,
Thanks for what you shared. You really made me stop and think about what was normal to me.

Why me!
A kewl graphic!

Thomas,
Something to really think about for sure.

Howard,
And I'm probably playing one of the old tapes when I don't see myself as normal.

Scotty,
I used to be the same way and it took years for me to leave the 4 walls of my house. I still struggle pretty hard with malls/shopping places but I'm much better than I was a few years ago.

Leosha,
Thanks for reminding me that I wasn't over taken and that I actually did accomplish something. Some times I look at the 'bad' and forget about the 'good'.

Brayton,
I do have medication (Xanax) that I can take when the anxiety gets way out of hand but try hard not to take it. I do know that all of this massage stuff I have been involved in has helped a lot for me to relax and lower the anxiety level. I will probably look into EMDR though.

Scot,
True, at least I avoided the traffic which is a nightmare in itself. And thanks for the encouragement and warm words. I do appreciate them.

Stride,, think I'm finding that that saying is very true.
 
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