Some Stupid Jokes


I blocked Donald Trump on Facebook and the next day he set up a new page.

I used to shoot skeet; things have gotten so regulated now it’s strictly catch and release.

Sign at a whorehouse: employees must wash hands after using John.

Friend: I’m on a diet. Me: No whey.

My ex girlfriend said “you’ll never hear my voice again” and hung up the phone. Five minutes later she texted me. Technically, she’s correct.

Chris Brown was arrested again after authorities found a beaten path on his property.

Left my blinkers on when I was using hand signals.

Something’s up with Trip Advisor; they just recommended Stevie Wonder as a romantic weekend getaway.


Weird? Weird you say?

I even get the last one.

There's Colossus of Rhodes - Great Pyramid of Giza - Hanging Gardens of Babylon, etc.

Instead of the seven wonders of the world, there's an eighth

Stevie Wonder. :D


Me to overweight wife: “Put on your big girl pants.”

I work part-time at the old dogs home as a therapy human.

There are three good reasons to love me: my package.

Today’s National Narcissist Appreciation Day; so was yesterday.

My wife has poison ivy; no wonder my asshole itches.

Thinking about old diseases that aren't around anymore, like my Mom for instance.


Teacher: "Johnny, if I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a darn cat!"


A blonde woman was speeding along in her sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is." she said.

The blonde office looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


A man very slowly and painfully hobbled his way to a stool at the drug store soda fountain. After a great struggle and strain, with some effort, he finally was able to sit down at the counter.

As he struggled and climbed on the stool, he told the clerk, "I'll have a chocolate sundae please." The soda jerk said, "Crushed nuts?"

The man replied, "No, arthritis."
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A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"


Under the right conditions and the right lighting, Stephen Hawking looks pretty damned paralyzed.

I dropped my dentures in the urinal, does the 5 second rule apply?

My doctor said to stay active so I've been masturbating twice a day.

I asked my doctor if my heart was healthy enough to have sex; he whipped off his lab coat and said, "Let's find out!"

I asked my girlfriend if the pussy was still good.


A man was talking to a priest and said, "Last night, I was in a motel room with two lovely ladies, and we had sex all night."

Priest: Very nice, my son. Confession is good for the soul.
Man: But I'm not confessing. I'm rather proud.
Priest: Then why are you telling me? I'm a Catholic priest.
Man: I'm telling everybody I know. I'm 85 years old.


:D :) :( :cry: :confused: :mad:

Can_I_Do_This ..... WOW...Thank You

This is such an emotionally profound statement for me. It brings all sorts of feelings, very very mixed, but at the same time each emotion standing like a giant on it's own.

Humorous, happy, but sad and confused. And mad as hell I did am doing this to me.