Some stories are unbelievable

mac80

Registrant
Also, for those of us with repressed memories, we also question ourselves as to the validity of those uncovered memories. We often contsantly question ourselves and our sanity to know for sure whether or not these facts are true. It often requires a trained professional to help us see the truthfulness in our memories.
True and i think it's important to remember that even the idea of not being believed is probably a trigger for many here. Certainly is for me. This thread brings up strong feelings even though I fully agree with both sides of it.
 

GeorgeMartin

Registrant
When I try to write out what I recall of my CSA etc even I find the narrative unbelievable. Yet I have the supporting evidence around the abuse. Does the unbelievably horrific CSA of the narrative make it any less a reality for that child we once were, simply because I don't recognize the stark reality of abuse I endured as a child? Yes, even survivors of CSA do indeed DOUBT and question the abuse they suffered, at the hands of parent, relative, friend, spouse, lover, or stranger.

I cannot question what someone else went through. I wasn't there. I have no experience relatable to their own experiences as a CSA victim. I can be at best, compassionate and kind and listen. I can find similarity to their disclosed abuse traumas and the pain they have endured and perhaps share that with them that they are not alone in dealing with retrospective CSA trauma, and dealing with the consequences of that such as PTSD, Dissociation, etc. But to claim that their experiences are unbelievable, is to be (bluntly said), disrespectful towards them as a human being sharing with someone else. It takes courage to disclose, to write, to open up about CSA or other traumas for most anyone male or female, but probably more so males. They need a listener, not a talker, the latter of whom usually is one who negates and minimizes someone else's disclosures about their trauma. That's why we have two ears and only one mouth. To listen... and not to judge or compete.
 
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KMCINVA

Registrant
When I try to write out what I recall of my CSA etc even I find the narrative unbelievable. Yet I have the supporting evidence around the abuse. Does the unbelievably horrific CSA of the narrative make it any less a reality for that child we once were, simply because I don't recognize the stark reality of abuse I endured as a child? Yes, even survivors of CSA do indeed DOUBT and question the abuse they suffered, at the hands of parent, relative, friend, spouse, lover, or stranger.

I cannot question what someone else went through. I wasn't there. .......
GeorgeMartin

I agree with your words. I think many survivors, like me, compartmentalize the abuse, which allows part of us to live in partial denial. I say partial denial because the truth is buried within us and we refuse to accept the abuse. The part of us that we compartmentalized lives with the abuse and one day the walls are broken down and the entire "me" is living the abuse. I always remembered the abuse as I floated above the abuse. Once the walls are broken life after decades of believing I controlled the past takes over. It begins to control us and our denials or burying the truth no longer keeps part of us in a safe place.

I was pretty good at burying the abuse and compartmentalizing it so as not to see it everyday. As I aged and living in an environment that was traumatizing--probably more so do to the burying of the abuse--brought the past to life in my mind and body. I began to dissociate for longer periods of time, escaping to not live the abuse. It is not living but rather escaping the present and past. I was hospitalized several times as I was unraveling and facing the past. It was a very difficult process and I wish no one should ever have to endure. I began my journey to heal 11 years ago. I have made great progress due to MS, wonderful people in my life, distancing self from those that triggered the past, therapy and support groups and finally allowing the whole of me to accept the truth and reality of the abuse. The last part was the more difficult--facing the truth. I still struggle at times, and I have a wonderful support system from MS, people, and life. I have come to terms with the abuse and it no longer controls me or the child within.

Kevin
 
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I think many survivors, like me, compartmentalize the abuse, which allows part of us to live in partial denial. I say partial denial because the truth is buried within us and we refuse to accept the abuse. The part of us that we compartmentalized lives with the abuse and one day the walls are broken down and the entire "me" is living the abuse. I always remembered the abuse as I floated above the abuse. Once the walls are broken life after decades of believing I controlled the past takes over. It begins to control us and our denials or burying the truth no longer keeps part of us in a safe place.
This is me now, a long time ago I found a way to bury the abuse memories, avoid them, avoid thoughts that would trigger them, shut down the pathways, etc. I turned off so much of my mind to keep it a safe place. I now consciously remember working really hard to forget all the abuse. Gritting my teeth and shutting my eyes trying hard to forget when I was growing up after the abuse.

one day the walls are broken down and the entire "me" is living the abuse

Yes! And then decades after forgetting this is my daily existence for these past few weeks. That's so well put, Kevin.

Call me Humpty Dumpty, what a mess I've become. With a lack of denial now, I see that I've done things that bring me great shame, not just the shame from my childhood abuse. When I turn off the shame, I'm not me, I lose my empathy too, but when I let the shame invade me, I want to act out to cover it. But there has to be a better way out through self compassion, and self-truth. Telling myself the truth about myself and what happened and the impact it caused in my life in terms of setbacks and messes feels a lot like love & compassion for myself. Wow.

Knowing others here are going through a similar things is comforting, thanks for sharing that, Kevin, GeorgeMartin, and everyone else here.


This thread made me worried at first, I didn't even want to believe my own story, getting helped by others to not believe it might have been accepted, at least for a bit of time.
 
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I'm feeling better about this thread because it is clear so many men here recognize the risk of harming newcomers who feel they may not be believed simply because to THEM their story feels unbelievable. For those who fear they'll be taken advantage of, take care of yourself, especially in Chat. Threads unfold slowly and there are many eyes that read what is written there. If it appears something is off, the additional eyes and the opportunity to report the person, the thread is so available will help. We don't want to become stupid... but we also don't want to frighten men who so desperately need support. If you're feeling triggered step away and leave that person along. You can use the Ignore button beneath the avatar of any person who troubles you. Using that you will not see what this person is posting. I've used it and it works. Stay safe everyone.
 

EQCR

Registrant
You said- Is it just me or does anyone else here think that some of the stories that are posted here are becoming more and more unbelievable?

My reply- Yes, but that does not make them untrue. Recovery and Mental Health doesn't look the same for everyone. I may not understand the story but I listen and support everyone.

You said- At times it feels like I'm watching a competition to see who can outdo the other with a more dramatic tale.

My reply- There is a desperate need in this community to be heard. I need it, and I am certain others need it. If I am honest, the details don't matter to me, the Survivor is what matters. I can support other survivors here because they are me. I know how angry, hyper-competitive and self-destructive my abuse has caused me to be. I live with a form of hyper-vigilance that causes me to hyper-critical of myself and others around me exactly because of my abuse. I would suggest that others here are dealing with those same issues (hyper-competitive) in what I hope is a safe environment, and that your response reminds me of my own struggle with being hyper-critical and wanting things to be done the right way (which is to say my way).

You said- I come here for a reason and have received good advice from some members but it sort of demeans this support group if some of this stuff is left unchecked.

My reply- When I put conditions on other people, (to have the same reasons/outcomes for doing something that I am doing) I am building barriers and justifying my judgements about them and their motives and all based on the hyper-vigilance that stems form my childhood abuse. I would ask anyone here to stop after reading something that they found unbelievable or demeaning and ask themselves, "If it were me, why would I write that? What would have to be so different in my life that I would want to write that? What would I want from other readers?"

You wrote- I'm just putting this out there. It could be something so simple like I live in a vastly different world on the other side of the Atlantic and don't understand or comprehend the American way of life as I can see here that most members are from the USA.

My reply- "Just putting it out there" sounds demeaning of flippant to me even though I know that it is not meant that way. I think you may not have recognized you were judging (at least some members of) this community out of ignorance. My word choice is intentional here because in this case ignorance does not imply stupidity or lack of compassion but rather a lack of understanding or awareness. Either way it feels bad to be called ignorant and that is the point. When you judge other people (or rather get judged) it feels bad. I do not think that was your intent. Rather I believe you are an honest person who struggles with issues of control (how things should be done instead of how they are being done) even if you had the best of intent. This is a rare safe place for people to express what their trauma looks like to them. To put their story out in the world and be heard and hopefully interact with other people who understand and support them in their struggles. I hope you can understand and support them, the same way others try to understand and help you, no matter how messy it looks.

You wrote- Maybe, I'm missing something.

My reply- That, Sir, is called the human condition.

With love and respect.
 
Thanks EQCR for expressing it so clearly. I couldn't agree more. Yes... THIS is the human condition and wounded puppies like us can have great difficulties with that. We do the best we can. It is good to be among friends.
 
Is it just me or does anyone else here think that some of the stories that are posted here are becoming more and more unbelievable? At times it feels like I'm watching a competition to see who can outdo the other with a more dramatic tale.
I come here for a reason and have received good advice from some members but it sort of demeans this support group if some of this stuff is left unchecked.
No one said you had to read all of them. For the most part I find them too triggering and gut wrenching to hear about the horrible things people went through at the hands of other people.

I haven’t told some stuff that happened to me because it’s just was too shameful. But I can tell you that if someone I believed, alone with everyone else believing, was a good man then I can believe that some of the stories here are indeed capable of evil people.

But this attitude is precisely why people live in shame. Try to have some compassion and feel blessed that these things didn’t happen in your abuse and move on.
 
i could tell u stuff that would give u nightmares and all very true, i wont even tell my T of over 7 years and sure as hell wont post it in here i keep things in general i wont post the horrible details as i dont want to cause others to even think of stuff i lived thru and now another reason is i dont need or want someone like u to doubt me or my pain, like its been said by others dont read them or doubt what others have lived thru just because u didnt have it as bad as some.
 
YES!
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
I agree. We should not become like those that denied our abuse and continue to deny our abuse. I truly believe we should never compare our abuse to others--once we begin to it creates a hierarchy of abuse as to the severity of abuse. All abuse is wrong, severe and damaging to the survivor. I will never deny the abuse of anyone-I cannot know their pain, nor can I know the damage done. I never want to become the people who denied my abuse because they lack a certain moral fiber of decency, compassion and love and more importantly the ability to see truth as they hide their truth.

Stand together.
Kevin
 

Healing light

Registrant
I have been reading this thread and contributions for a while
I wanted to contribute but I wasn't sure how to word it
I arrived here a different person to what I am now
I no longer seek validation of my truth because I myself need to accept it and live with it nobody else has to do that
I know what it feels like to be believed for someone genuinely working through trauma being believed is huge. That's needed here very much so

But I also strongly advise that people invest there time here with there eyes wide open , and keep there personal and emotional safety at the forefront of interactions.

There's a saying "don't expect you , from other people since there not you"
I'm guilty of expecting me from others and maybe we all are a little

There's alot of deep feelings in this thread and I wish everyone peace in there healing journeys

HL
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
I have been reading this thread and contributions for a while
I wanted to contribute but I wasn't sure how to word it
I arrived here a different person to what I am now
I no longer seek validation of my truth because I myself need to accept it and live with it nobody else has to do that
I know what it feels like to be believed for someone genuinely working through trauma being believed is huge. That's needed here very much so

But I also strongly advise that people invest there time here with there eyes wide open , and keep there personal and emotional safety at the forefront of interactions.

There's a saying "don't expect you , from other people since there not you"
I'm guilty of expecting me from others and maybe we all are a little

There's alot of deep feelings in this thread and I wish everyone peace in there healing journeys

HL
Thanks for sharing your opinion. It's very important advice.
 

RobbieJoe

Registrant
I suspect that many survivors, my self included, were forced to live a made up life, pretending to be okay when with school mates, family, and peers, pretending to be unaffected by anything so unbelievable as even the mildest claims of sexual abuse, sometimes lying to "protect" threatening offenders, or pretending to be a well adjusted contributing member of society, when in fact, we knew we weren't, or were developmentally challenged in any number of ways.

We developed strategies to cope in a world that didn't want to hear our stories, that didn't want to admit that such things existed.

I suspect, also, that many of us survivors, had to live a sheltered, closeted life, aside from some high risk behaviors, in response to the many nay sayers and unbelievers who closemindedly cast doubt on our "stories". "We don't speak of such things here" is something I've heard all too often.

Thank you, MaleSurvivors.org, for allowing my voice be heard.
 

HenryD

Registrant
Yes. I've done, and continue to do, all those things to survive.

I also echo RobbieJoe's gratitude to MS.
 
they had been abducted by aliens and sexually abused
This reminds me of the description of the movie Mysterious Skin. The video box said it was about a guy exploring his possible alien abduction. I should have read the box more closely. the story is actually about a young man (18?) who remembers being abducted however what really happened was he was abused by his base ball coach. Anyhow if you are easily triggered do not watch this movie. near the end of the film they get into the actual abuse he experienced and its disturbing (yes all fake cause its a movie but still).
 
Some stories really blow my mind with how bad they are. I may wonder for a moment but then I recall all the horrific abuse stories I've read in the news about parents locking kids up in the basement, starving them, and so much more. There are some truly horrific monsters in this world.
 
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